ask a stranger what do you think of
online dating what are they going to
tell you I hate online dating online
dating sucks
men suck women suck profiles suck
everybody stupid everybody lies guys are
in such a rush to meet nobody has
anything interesting to say
this is the going wisdom about online
dating evidently now I understand that I
will acknowledge that I dated online for
many years I'm a dating coach so I
understand
at the same time complaining that online
dating sucks is kind of like complaining
that the gym is not helping you lose
weight right I mean it's not the gyms
job what think about it some gyms have
better equipment some gyms have better
classes but ultimately whether you lose
weight is not up to the gym it's you how
often do you work out how effectively
how intensely do you work out so as we
frame today's discussion I just want you
to consider not what's wrong with online
dating which is valid but rather what am
i doing to yield the best possible
results in online dating that's what we
can control so I'm an unusual messenger
for a number of reasons not in the least
of the fact that I love dating I mean I
was like I'm that one guy who's like man
I love that crap I moved to LA I was 24
25 years old I was a writer I worked
from home wasn't big on the club or the
bar scene I'm so free this was a natural
fit the same people that I didn't
necessarily have the courage or access
to approaching real life I could talk to
them online just by being cute and
friendly and so I dated no exaggeration
300 people over the course of 10 years
of online dating before I got married I
say with a mixture of pride and
embarrassment so
so I had such a wonderful experience uh
Channing experienced that I started to
coach this stuff right and now for over
a decade I've been helping people fall
in love using online dating I work with
women smart strong successful women from
around the world of all ages helping
them fall in love I've helped a 41 year
old woman in a wheelchair woman who's
eighty pounds overweight
woman who's 65 never been on a date
before these are my real clients who
fell in love using the online dating
system that I'm going to share with you
today so if I sound somewhat evangelical
about my own stuff the reason why is
that I've seen it work over and over and
over again and I'm very confident that
it's going to work for you so what's
wrong with online dating to me it's not
the online portion of online dating it's
the dating part of online dating it's
the it's the dad first date you know
what I'm talking about if someone has to
know what I'm talking about you you get
dressed up you drive across town you sit
at the coffee shop and two minutes into
the date you're like oh my god what am I
doing here why does this happen to me
over and over again how do I keep on
meeting these freaks all right I know
the answer to that question I bet you
know the answer to that question all
right
since the gratification we're an instant
gratification society
we're texting we're tinder how quickly
can we make this stuff happen that's why
you go on bad blind dates over and over
and over again all right so I want to
pause it today that if you listen to
what I'm about to share with you you're
going to go on fewer bad dates better
first dates and you're going to move
offline from the dating site in less
than a week that's not a tremendous time
investment to ensure a higher quality
experience yet this isn't the way most
people approach online dating so before
we get into the nitty-gritty of how to
do this let's establish one thing guys
are terrible at online day I mean you
don't even know how bad guys are at
online dating I hate to throw my whole
gender under the bus but let's roll him
over right I told the client that I was
doing this presentation I said send me a
picture of your inbox I had no idea
exactly what I was going to get in
return but this totally valid
everything 289 messages subject headers
hello hi hi
none hello hi you are gorgeous you so
beautiful very attractive this is what
women are dealing with contraction right
they have to make the best of that now
we know intellectually that not all guys
are bad this doesn't mean these men are
not relationship oriented or intelligent
there's something about the way people
use this medium that isn't working all
right so we have to figure out what are
these guys doing why do they do this
let's put ourselves in their shoes and
let's have some sympathy for these guys
the reason we're talking about why guys
are so bad at online dating is that
they're the aggressors they're the ones
who have to put themselves out so it's
going to be a lot more obvious when
they're screwing up than women so for
women who get very scornful of men have
a little sympathy for these poor
Schmucks right they're doing the best
they can it's just not very good guys
get online they see a bunch of
attractive photos and again we're
instant gratification dating site gives
you the option of doing the free wink
you know the free wink so what you guys
do wink wink wink wink wink wink wink
wink wink wink you're a woman you got
289 emails you're gonna pay attention to
the guy who winked at you no you're not
so the guys they're not dumb they say
huh a winking didn't work very well
maybe I got to work a little harder so
they do beefed up the profile a little
bit find some really attractive women
because you could only write to the
really attractive ones why because they
were there so they write to the most
attractive women and they talk about why
she's great why he's great how much they
have in common and then maybe a
thousand-word autobiography about him
puts 20 minutes into writing an email
hours an hour sends out a dozen of them
nobody writes back why you're a woman
you got 289 emails do you want to read
some guy's autobiography some stranger
of course not so his intention is pure
he's trying to differentiate himself but
it's not working he's inadvertently
coming across this kind of needy little
over-the-top little stalkerish
alright not the goal just the byproduct
so he says huh well if writing all these
these long emails isn't working I guess
it's what they say it's a numbers game
so I got to play the numbers so how do
guys play the numbers dear Nancy I read
your profile think you're attractive
check me out if you like what you see
hope to hear from you soon it's a form
letter cut paste end so what do they do
they send up 50 form letters you're a
woman you got options you got two
hundred hitting on guys writing to you
you want to write to the guy who wrote
you the foreign letter that he clearly
wrote to every other woman on the dating
site insert your name here all right so
again let's sympathize with these guys
everything they're trying make sense the
long stalker emails and the winks and
the form letters just none of it's
working all right
so they're throwing a whole bunch of
crap up against the wall none of it's
sticking and they come to these
conclusions very logical conclusions
first conclusion is that women right
most attractive women are like rock
stars they got tons of people throwing
themselves at them it's really
competitive they're probably gonna take
the profile down first all right because
they're so inundated by responses they
get overwhelmed and it's really
competitive and I know if I met her she
liked me this what guys tell themself I
know she'd like me if she met me but I'm
not even getting a chance I can't even
get in the door I gotta meet him fast
right before she disappeared and on the
other hand everybody's had the
experience in online dating of spending
a whole month getting to know someone
and then showing up in the date and
finding out that person lied about their
height or their weight or their age all
right that's endemic to the medium so
huh well I can't spend a whole month
getting to know someone only to find out
that they misrepresented so what am I
gonna do well I'm gonna move faster that
makes sense right
so again we're getting this
reinforcement that speed is the answer
right speed and volume that's sort of
the the going story for guys the answer
to successful online dating is speed and
volume so their next round of emails
says something to the effect of dear
amber I read your profile I'm not really
good at this thing let's see if there's
chemistry here's my phone number text me
what are you doing on Saturday night
it's like all of it right in the first
email let's go come on please don't
disappear don't lie to me don't go out
with anybody else please choose me
attractive huh so this is how we see the
kind of emails that we see in the
in box this panicky direct it's all
because guys are failures at online
dating this is the result
so guys become convinced that speed and
volume is the solution to online dating
in fact it's the problem with online
dating remember the bad blind-date slide
that's how you end up on bad blind dates
you go out with total strangers that's
problem yet guys think it's the solution
this is why we need a paradigm shift in
how we view online dating so I stumbled
onto this I'm no genius I was just a
[ __ ] and so I spent years going out with
people and people share things with you
you tell your you tell your war stories
and women would tell me about these guys
they'd show me their inboxes they'd read
me these messages right it's
astoundingly stupid to the point that
you can't even believe it's happening
some guys like hey you're hot let's do
it
I'm competing with that I was easy so I
figured if every guy was gonna Zig I was
just gonna zag if every guy is giving
her this all-out verbal assault why she
needs to meet him yesterday I had to
spend a little bit more time writing
emails and saying clever things and
spend a little more time talking on the
phone and I had a completely different
online dating experience than anybody I
knew everybody else is talking about the
failure I I got to pick people up at
their house I got to drive them home at
the end of the night first aid all
because I put in a little bit more time
upfront and so when I became a coach I
started to coach this very simple
philosophy
I told guys slow down every other guy's
in a rush you slow down and it worked
and then I started a coach women I told
him same thing you're letting him
dictate the terms slow him down give
them incentives to please you give him
incentive to court you and it worked and
so this is what it looks like in a very
simple Venn diagram form I'm only
capable of making a very simple Venn
diagram men in general want speed women
in general want comfort and again buy
comfort means I don't want to go out
with a potential serial killer like this
is these are reasonable terms
we're not saying I need a whole month to
do a background check on you right men
want speed women want comfort and the
space between is a good first date where
both parties are getting their needs met
I think this is reasonable and so the
issue here is that men based on that
inbox that I showed you earlier are
unintentionally making women feel
uncomfortable believe me all the guys
who make you feel uncomfortable it's not
their goal how could I make her life
miserable how could I say something
creepy it's never the goal it's the
byproduct of their failures all right
don't disappear don't lie let's meet
let's say for this chemistry let's go so
imagine you're at a bar you got 50 guys
lined up to give you the phone number
it's overwhelming and that's what
happens online attractive woman has guys
just let's meet let's meet phone numbers
piling up all right it's not the way
women like to meet men so what's a
medium in which women do meet men where
men have to make them comfortable before
they get their phone number I call it
real life you've never real life some of
you do some of you don't I'm 41 so I do
before there was an Internet you would
talk to people at parties and stuff and
so when a guy talks to a woman at a
party he doesn't tap her on the shoulder
and be like hey you're wearing red I
like red here's my number
good terrible way to meet someone that's
what people do on the Internet you have
a dog I have a dog let's go on a date so
how do you guys meet women in real life
what talk to someone at a party you say
something cute talk for a half-hour it's
real fun Organic he says hey uh you want
to step outside it's a little more quiet
out there I'll get you a drink she goes
yeah that sounds fun sure they go
outside conversation continues moves and
darts and weaves and an hour passes like
that all right and then he looks at his
watch he's like oh my god I gotta go
I've had so much fun talking to you
tonight I get your number I'd love to
take you out later this week and she
says yeah that that sounds great thank
you
does everybody remember that doesn't
that feel good the connection followed
by the date right now we've got it
reversed right we want the date and then
we want the connection so all I'm
talking about tonight in my very long
waited presentation
where I get to my point is that we want
to make online-dating feel like real
eyes because real life feels good that's
the whole principle behind this so how
do we do this I call it the to-to-to
rule of teaching it for years
it ain't that complicated I made it up
it came out of my head it's not one of
the ten commandments written in stone so
you could feel free to play with it but
the very basic idea is that you want to
go to emails back and forth from each
party on the dating site to e-mails back
and forth on Gmail or Yahoo to phone
calls and a first-date whole thing takes
less than a week not terribly
complicated not a tremendous amount of
work highly highly effective so how do
we use this complicated to true to rule
well first of all I think it's important
to note it's not about tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tu
doesn't matter right it could be five
three one no one's counting all right
the whole point is that we understand
each other men understand respect the
fact that women need a little comfort
before they meet women understand the
guys want to move fast that they're
entitled to that right so this is based
on a mutual understanding right we're
finding that point on the graph where it
feels good to both genders so it starts
with having a good conversation on the
dating site has to start with a good
conversation on the dating site now good
conversation isn't that hard except it
is because hey what's up not good
conversation so what do you do for fun
not good conversation a good
conversation is about being inquisitive
being thoughtful being interesting right
having opinions having observations
writing paragraphs not one-liners this
isn't texting all right if you're a good
conversationalist no one's going to say
man screw this I'm out of here
good conversation sustains itself and it
grows again it's like being at a party
you're enjoying it and when you make a
good connection online it gives you
leverage as a woman to say oh by the way
Brad what's your regular email address
I'll be in much better touch on Gmail
and you know what that is that's hey
let's step outside where it's a little
more quiet you're getting more personal
you're getting more intimate you're
isolating the person he's talking to ten
women on OKCupid he's talking to one
person on Gmail that's you all because
she said hey let's step outside
conversation continues he might say hey
let's meet you don't just meet
that brings us back where we started all
right you don't want to go on blind
dates with strangers so what you do is
you schedule a phone call now again I
know people's resistance to this most
people won't do this but understand it's
imperative because if you don't schedule
a phone call here's what's going to
happen you're going to start texting all
right texting is the death of
communication right it's ubiquitous I'm
not trying to put the genie back in the
bottle and pretend it's not the problem
is you don't get to know someone very
well by texting I guarantee it I could
talk to you for five minutes on the
phone I'm going to get to know you a lot
better than if we did one line text back
and forth for a week not even close
there's something about the nuance of
communicating with someone live that
texting leaves out so you don't want to
get caught in texting so why schedule a
phone call unless just you know call
well you could pick up the phone and
call the problem is you're precipitating
another problem that comes with online
dating and that's friction things go
wrong so I call you at 8:00 p.m. you
call me back at 9:00 I'm not around I
call you the next day at 2:00 you call
me back during your lunch hour suddenly
we're playing phone tag
suddenly it's difficult suddenly it's
not enjoyable
we're losing momentum you might give up
I might give up that's the problem with
I'll call you in general at some time
all right I'm around tonight at 7:30
can't wait to hear your voice talk to
you then set up an appointment so you
just get it right this phone call is
your first date this replaces the coffee
date if you have a good phone call the
guy earns the first date I give advice
to women so it's always directed that
way so the value of this all right very
simple number one you are screening
screening so important to avoid bad
dates because if you're emailing some
guy and it comes off as functionally
illiterate stupid negative difficult
abrasive in curious lazy you don't go
out with him
tada problem solved you screen out all
the guys who aren't good
conversationalist who wouldn't make you
comfortable right if you're carrying
your end of the bargain
it's great and so the flipside of
screening is relationship building when
this goes well this is just like the
cocktail party right it is having a
great conversation and what's happening
you're building up trust
repor anticipation excitement this is
the way dating is supposed to feel oh my
god I can't wait to go out with the guy
that I've been talking to all week oh
you got that that's that's the feeling
we're trying to evoke so we enjoy dating
once again you would rather guarantee go
on one great date on a Saturday night
then three blind dates with total
strangers guarantee and that's all I'm
proposing right and the last thing the
surprising thing this saves time and it
sounds like a lot of work - two - it's
not emails take no time to write at a
phone call I've talked to you for 20
minutes on the phone and I want to put a
bullet in my head because I'm so bored
guess what we don't go on the date I
don't have to get dressed up drive
across town spend $100 and two hours on
you that's valuable advice vice versa
right if you have a great phone call
that's the first date and so I'm not a
Luddite
I believe in technology I understand
chemistry I know people have objections
guys are like I can just text someone I
can get late I get it the problem is
people aren't enjoying dating they're
opting out of it right and I think women
have the right to enjoy dating right
there's not much to this thing but at
the end of the day if you just slow down
a beat follow the to-to-to rule go from
email to the phone to the real life date
you're going to go on fewer bad dates
better first dates and evoke the
feelings that you want that make you
excited and optimistic about dating
again so please give it a shot try it
out let me know how it feels I thank you
so much for your time and attention