What's this day of rest [BLEEP]?
What's this bull [BLEEP]?
I don't [BLEEP] fuckin care.
It don't matter to Jesus.
This is Jesus Quintana portrayed by John Turturro
in the beloved cult classic film, The Big Lebowski.
Despite only being in the film for two scenes,
the characters exclusively mauve wardrobe, iconic accent,
and idiosyncratic durag have become culturally transcendent.
Jesus.
You said it, man.
They've become almost as well known as The Dude himself.
And yet, no one was really asking for a full two-hour film
starring everyone's favorite hypersexualized purple bowler.
But we got one anyway.
Whoa.
You got a date Wednesday, baby.
The Jesus Rolls released in February of 2020 just prior
to the pandemic is a would-be sex comedy spin-off
of the character that Turturro first originated in a New York
play and was then loosely adapted by the Coens to appear
in The Big Lebowski. .
The project was written, directed, and ostensibly
produced by Turturro.
He's the sole creative voice behind the project.
And shockingly, he had been pushing for it
to happen since 2002.
The idea of making a Lebowski sequel or Jesus spinoff
is something the Coens have repeatedly
said they would never do.
So after literal years of Turturro
campaigning or being given a chance
to do something more with the character,
the Coens stepped aside and gave Turturro their blessing,
which is when this already objectively weird story gets
even weirder.
John Turturro decided to option the rights to the 1974
French film Going Places directed
by Bertrand Blier based on his own novel, les valseuses.
Going Places or loosely translated
The Waltzers, French slang for testicles,
was highly controversial.
It was frowned upon due to its vulgarity, nudity,
and gratuitous depictions of sexual acts.
And for some reason, this was the movie
John Turturro thought would make a perfect spin-off vehicle
for the Jesus.
There's no beating around the bush.
The Jesus Rolls is 75 minutes of sophomoric sexuality,
cringe-worthy attempts at character exploration
with an absolutely star-studded cast all of whom
have next to nothing to do.
Normally, this would be tough to stomach.
But the fact that the film is inherently
going to be measured against one of the greatest cult
comedies of all time just makes a bad situation
immediately worse.
Wow.
You guys are a couple of real [BLEEP] heads.
The Big Lebowski's equal parts character exploration
and finely-tuned neo-noir.
It has an intricate quintessentially Coen brothers
plot that takes its colorful cast of characters and squeezes
every ounce of comedy gold out of every second
they're on screen.
It's stylish, confident, and knows exactly what
it's attempting to accomplish.
The Dude [INAUDIBLE].
The Jesus Rolls is pretty much the exact opposite
of that on every front.
The plot of the film follows Jesus Quintana
who has just been released from jail
as he attempts to get his life back on track, kind of.
The truth is that the film has no narrative
vision, no internal propulsion.
And the characters appear to be almost as uncomfortable
as the audience members having to sit through
the interminably long, objectively short runtime.
Could we follow Jesus on a journey
of reinvention and self-discovery
while he goes to the places of genre trapped film?
Absolutely, but that's not the path Turturro chose to take.
The movie isn't about the character's reckoning
with a plot ever.
We just spend time with them as they hang around.
We tracked Jesus as he reconnects
with an old friend, Peety, and befriends
a woman named Marie who struggles with an inability
to climax.
After we're introduced to these characters, all of whom
have the subtlety of a sledgehammer,
the film loses all of its narrative propulsion.
There's no overarching plot, mission,
or goal for the characters.
It's presented as a road trip movie
where we follow these lovable losers on their quest
for self-determination.
But in actuality, they don't go anywhere.
They don't seem to be too concerned
with any sort of self-examination.
And they don't really seem to worry
about the various criminal charges they rack up
in this film's bizarrely structured serial short film
aesthetic.
They just hang around this small town, steal a couple of cars,
and then meet a new character every act as they get out
of prison and have a little short story with them
before these new additions are unceremoniously
removed from the story due to criminally
predictable circumstances.
You might be asking yourself, well,
do these more unusual aspects of the film come from the fact
that it's an adaptation?
Not really.
It's a pretty loose and literal translation of the source
material of going places.
That film opens with the two main characters sexually
assaulting a woman and stealing her purse.
Thankfully, we don't have to endure anything like that here.
In interviews to promote the film, Turturro and Susan
Sarandon, who plays a minor character named Jean
in the project, both talked at length
about how difficult it was to find
the financing for the film.
And the structural problems inherent in the piece
are lightly directed from Turturro chasing money.
Over the course of the 75-minute runtime, Jon Hamm, Christopher
Walken, Susan Sarandon, Pete Davidson, and JB Smoove
all appear in featured roles that are obviously
constructed to allow them to be shut out in a matter of days.
Due to this, the film never truly gets
started and never finds a rhythm.
We're constantly being introduced
to poorly written, superbly cast characters
with nothing significant to do and nothing particularly
interesting to say.
And that goes for the film itself.
What is this film trying to say about the human condition?
What greater insight does it have
into its characters as they explore their sexual fluidity?
The film's level of genuine curiosity
about the sexual habits of its participants is nonexistent.
It's a cynical and cruel buffoon-laden sideshow
attraction.
The platonic ideal of the film seems
to want to expose the complexities of human intimacy.
The characters in the film feel so one-note and so
incredibly poorly articulated that it
makes you wonder just what exactly Turturro enjoyed
about this filmmaking process.
Why would he commit himself to a multi-year long quixotic quest
to bring a character that was originally inferred to as
a pedophile to the screen?
Eight-year-old's, dude.
The film struggles to communicate
any significant thematic overarching point.
But it also fails to communicate on a literal level.
Jesus as a character has a thick accent.
But Turturro being an older, slightly mumbly performer
is genuinely hard to understand in the role.
Hey, it was a one bobo move.
Admit it, man.
Ultimately, who was The Jesus Rolls for?
John Turturro.
It's a film that was produced through the shear force of will
or propulsive narcissism, take your pick, of one performer.
It's a film that lacks any significant artistic viewpoint,
visual mise-en-scene, or narrative perspective
other than to allow John Turturro to relive
what he obviously feels were his glory days.
Furthermore, and perhaps the least strange twist
of all, the film is objectively a failure.
It was produced on a budget of $4.5 million.
And it pulled in $64,648 at the box office.
Was the pandemic to blame for some of this?
Possibly.
But don't you think stuck at home audiences
wouldn't have at least watched a pseudo sequel to The Big
Lebowski?
Out of curiosity, nothing else.
Well, obviously not because this film is so bad,
it's not even memorable enough for fans to hate watch.
As a final thought, I'll leave you with this.
Some characters are fantastic as supporting characters.
They're not meant to be more.
You want to build a whole film franchise around cue
from James Bond or Emily Blunt's character in The Devil Wears
Prada.
Jesus Quintana is a literal pedophile
who steals the spotlight for a few brief moments
in The Big Lebowski.
But this character just simply can't support a feature film
or at least not with Turturro at the helm.
Is there a good movie out there somewhere starring
the character of Jesus Quintana?
Maybe, but it sure as [BLEEP] ain't this one.
Even if you can separate this from The Big Lebowski,
The Jesus Rolls is a movie that's so bad,
it makes me question just what exactly John Turturro has
on some of these movie stars.
There's no logical reason why all these people would show up
for this film to the fever pitch velocity that they do.
Turturro's lack of cinematic vision, stunted sense of humor,
and filmic blandness as an auteur
are only rivaled by the bizarrely difficult feat
that he objectively succeeded at.
He proved that it is possible to make
the ever mercurial topic of human sexuality boring, facile,
and yawn-inducing.
And that's all we have this week.
What do you think?
Will the Coens ever actually make a real Big Lebowski
sequel?
Let us know in the comments below.
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