Hey guys, welcome back to he'll survive and thrive this week
I want to talk about something that I haven't really ever talked about and I do think it's something that's super
Powerful is learning your love language. And the reason why this is so important is because you have to know
How you want to be loved how you want to be treated?
What are the things that you value that someone will give you or?
Does to you and if you don't really know this stuff and I don't think a lot of people really know what it is that
They want in relationships and this is really the start
you know how you want to be loved is so so important I
Think at times we can think that we know we can think that certain things will make us happy
Whether that's being showered with gifts or you know
someone telling you in every single moment how amazing you are and how much they love you but over time you tend to
Really learn about yourself the most when unfortunately you don't get certain things
So I know for me personally. I learned the most about myself after
Relationships and I kind of reflected back to think wow
what were the things in that relationship that I felt like I
Didn't get and the things that were really really
important to me and not only did I not get them but was this person even capable of giving me them and
we're all capable of giving
Everything to each other right, but it's really about who a person is what they value
How they give love and is that the way that you want to receive love?
I do think it's always the easiest when you can find someone that
Loves like how you love that can be very very easy to be in a relationship with someone like that
but quite frankly as long as you value and respect the person even if you two aren't on the same love language and
you know that like I said
You really value this person and you respect them
and this is the person that you want to be with you will be more mindful of the things that are important to them and
the things that
For them make them feel important or make them feel loved and you will kind of not alter yourself
But you will conform to what your partner needs because that's what's important to them
as long as it's not something that
Goes against your own values and beliefs then I think that that's just a normal healthy compromise in any relationship
so for all the people out there who do not know the five love language is we're gonna start with the first one which is
words of affirmation
So what is this? This is basically verbal compliments
So this is where you can express to another person the love that you have in the appreciation
You have the admiration you have for them through words some people
Can write love letters some people can go on and on and on about?
How much they love a person and they can tell the whole world and they can get very detailed in it and other people
feel very uncomfortable
Verbally expressing themselves and instead of expressing themselves through words
They'll do it in different ways
but if words of affirmation are important to you
Then you need to hear those compliments and I really feel that throughout all of these love languages
There are usually one probably two that are the dominant ones
I mean, obviously we all are gonna love all of these things and you might like to hear compliments
But it's not something that you need to have in your relationship in order for you to feel loved in the relationship
But for some people words of affirmation is the dominant love language that they need in any relationship
So how you express your love through these words? Like I said could be compliments
it could be just
Appreciating the person and letting them know it could be telling them that you really love them and being said with such
Passion in such a different tone than just the average person walking out of the house on their way to work saying love you
babe
You know
this is the type of person that writes love letters or loves to read love letters and
Needs to get a card that really they can read just how much they're valued and loved by their partner
This is also the person that after a conflict has been dealt with that. They need that
Sincere apology that they need, you know to be they need to feel again through words
That they're still loved that they're still valued that the other person, you know
Didn't mean to do what they did in that quick apology
Is just not enough for this type of a person now
The next love language is acts of service and this is so what this is is really any act that
Gets rid of you having the burden or the responsibility to do the act
So for example, this is something where if you're say a woman
I know I'm definitely an acts of service person that is one of my dominant love languages
Because for me
Being able to recognize or just lighten the load for me
Shows love because that means that you can see that I'm drowning that
I need help that there's too much on my plate and that you can come in and not only
recognize that but take that load off my back a little bit for me that goes
Miles, I know that says so much
And this isn't just a romantic partner. This is even for friendships
Something like washing the dishes or you know saying you know what I got this you go take a nap
Or I'm gonna go get the laundry. Why don't you sit down just all of those things for me?
And that's like I said, that's my dominant love language, but that is an acts of service
so if you are an acts of service person, that's something that
not only of course is
Appreciated but it really shows you how much a person really loves you because they're thinking about your well-being
And this is why I can talk on and on about this one because this is my dominant one. Um
But it allows
Someone to take care of you for a second versus you always taking care of everyone
The next love language is quality time
And like I said, all of these love languages for me personally, we all need this stuff
We all need a little bit of words of affirmation. We all need a little bit of access service
But like I said, there's always gonna be one or two that are gonna be the predominant
Thing that you need in your
Relationship in order for you to feel really loved and valued in the relationship and for some people it is quality time
They need their partner to make them a priority to give them undivided attention
So there are some people
That you know when the kids go to bed or we're home from work and we've had dinner and we've cleaned up and we're good
We need to sit on the couch and just be together and not have too many distractions
Or go for a walk together and that's really important to some people and that's what shows them
Hey
You can put your entire life aside and just be here in this moment with me and that shows me how much you really love
And value and appreciate me
this is where if this is your dominant love language, then your partner planning dates for you or
Doing something together whether it's going on a trip or going on a bike ride or anything going to the beach
Whatever it is
Whether it's something that you enjoy doing or they enjoy doing you just are glad to be a part of just being with that person
and not having the day-to-day responsibilities of life and just enjoying each other and that's something that you really really crave in your
Relationship this love language also is really about the connection and we all need connection
But again, we get it in different ways
So a person that really creates the quality time and that is their dominant love language
they
have a ton of
Empathy and they want to listen to their partner and they they don't want to interrupt and they want to make eye contact
And they want to really have that intimate
conversation with their partner on how they're doing and how they're feeling that of course is a very important thing in any
Relationship let alone a romantic one
But for some people they really crave that whereas others like I said acts of service words of affirmation
whatever your love your dominant love language is
That is the thing that you really really need in your relationship
the next love language is giving gifts or receiving gifts and
From me this is probably the least dominant of my own love language
Of course, we all love to receive little gifts
And I think it's more of a token of your love and a reflection of hey
I was thinking of you and and
This is the thoughtfulness and effort because I was thinking in view and thinking that you would probably like this
That is put into the gift that I think people really value and now something that of course I value as well
but for some people the gift-giving and gift receiving is
Really high up there with the way that they show and want to receive love and this is something is you know
surprising them with something that you know that they'll really love and of course we all do this from time to time and I think
This is actually a way that I sometimes will show love is by giving gifts
Because I love to and I love to think about what someone needs or what they would really want that maybe they're not
Purchasing for themselves or thinking that they need but they would really value it. It's funny sometimes because
Your love language what you want to have from people could be a couple of different things
It could be one thing
It could be two like I said
but sometimes are
often when you give love it could look a little bit differently than
how you want to really receive love and the last love language is physical touch and this of course is a
Non-sexual touch this isn't just you know, let's get let's be intimate with each other and let's get down to business
This is more of the person in your relationship that needs to be held needs to be touched
They're always the one hugging a little bit longer. They're always the one that wants to just kiss not
necessarily be intimate
but just the act of being physical with their partner is so so important to them so
Hand-holding massages any kind of a touch whatsoever
You can just putting your hand on your partner's leg or arm or anything or neck
Means a lot to them and that's how they want to receive love and that's often sometimes how they give love as well
so this isn't about really
Talking and having that quality time. This is more about holding each other without even having to say a word or cuddling in bed
And not having to be intimate just being physically near each other is really important to someone where this is their predominant
Love language. So now that we kind of know what are the five love languages
why is this so important and I think I touched on it briefly in the beginning but
To know how you want to be loved is like I said, it's so important
I think oftentimes we don't really know how we want to be loved until we are in
Relationships where we didn't receive the thing. That is the most important to us for me. I never
realized in my 20s and even in my early 30s that acts of service was a really important thing for me but being able to
see that I was drowning see that I was overwhelmed and being able to not just
Recognize that I was feeling that way but come in and take that burden take that responsibility off my shoulders
I would have never guessed in a million years when I was 25 that that
Was going to be my love language, but to be honest it it has evolved over time
I think during points of certain relationships
I would have said words of affirmation and that's probably because that wasn't the thing that I was actually getting
Or it could have been physical touch or it could have been quality time
Like I said giving gifts for me is not a dominant love language
but I do think that once you kind of know who you are and one of the things that you really
Value then when you do start dating or in a relationship number one, you're able to like express verbally
Hey, this is what I really need. This is what shows love for me
this is how I need to be taken care of and you can see if someone's
Number one if they're the same as you in terms of their love language
But then you get to see if someone's even capable of giving the things that you really value for me acts of service
Like I said is number one and I will say quality time and physical touch are kind of probably close in hand
I would probably say quality time is number two
And early on in many relationships. I realized that that was not something that the other person
Had on their radar at all
And nor was it anything that they were eight even able to give me probably because they were never statistic
but it wasn't something that they
Valued and wasn't important to them and when they also didn't value me as well or respect me
And then it was never something that they could give the relationship
So if you don't know your love language, I really highly suggest that you go online and look up the five love languages
There's a ton of quizzes out there to see which one is your dominant and you know, and your number two
Language that you really are looking for in relationships
Not only taking the quiz
but I often tell my clients to do this reflect back on all of your past relationships and
Think about the things that you got from your partner that you really loved
You know when you want to start thinking about your next relationship and a person that you want to possibly attract into your life
Reflecting back on your past relationships is a great first stepping stone
The reason why I say that is because it allows you to look at all of those relationships
see the things that you actually
valued about that person or maybe even just light about the relationship and
also the things that you didn't get that you wish you got and those are gonna be the most
important things because if you especially if you're a little bit older and you've been in a few relationships now,
Then it's even easier to start really honing in and defining
Okay
Who am I and what do I need when you can look back on those relationships and think of all the things that you really
Wanted from your partner at the time
but they weren't able to give you for whatever reasons and that those are the things that you really
Needed from them or just needed for yourself in general
We tend to learn a lot about ourselves when unfortunately we've experienced life, right?
That's why they say the older that you get the wise you are
You tend to really start to know yourself when you get a little bit older an age um, or not, you know
You could definitely be in your 20s and know exactly who you are and what you want
I do think the more experiences you have over time will determine you know
Who you become and who who the person is that you want to be, right?
So I hope you guys have enjoyed this and I'll see you next time