- If we find ourselves in a situationship
where you've been dating somebody,
but there's no clear commitment, you don't know really
where the relationship is going,
there's been no labels put on this relationship
where you're not boyfriend or girlfriend,
but you like this person.
You know your worth, you know what you want,
but you don't wanna sabotage the good investment
that you've already made in this connection.
What can you do when you're dating a guy?
It's important to understand that guys are generally in one
of two mindsets when they're dating.
They're either in the fun mindset or the forever mindset.
Love you. Either they're just in a stage in their life
where they want to have fun,
they're not looking for commitment.
They've either gotten out of a serious relationship
or they're just at a stage of their life where they're like,
look, I don't want anything serious.
I'm building my career. I'm building my life,
and I want to just have fun in the moment.
Or they're on the forever track where they're like,
okay, I'm ready for forever.
I'm ready to find somebody who I'm gonna share my life with.
I'm ready to find my life partner.
And you can imagine these as like two ladders, right?
There's the fun ladder, ha
- Ha ha.
- There's the Forever Ladder.
When a guy meets you, it's important to understand
what ladder he's on.
And so let's say he's on the fun ladder
and you guys start hanging out
and he's climbing up that ladder.
It's easy to spend a lot of time together to have a lot
of connection to date for several months
and not realize he's still on
that Just Fun Ladder challenge is if you are awesome,
which you are, if he sees you
as someone potential long term,
he might still be on the fun ladder,
be like, wow, she's amazing.
So he grabs onto this forever ladder next to it
and is like, well, maybe I'll jump over
to this forever ladder.
Maybe I'll, I'll see her as that potential,
but I'm really not at that stage right now.
So he kind of keeps his hand on the Forever Ladder while he
is climbing this fun ladder and see how high he can go.
So how do you shift gears?
How do you shift the relationship from the Fun Ladder
to the Forever Ladder if that's what you want?
I'm gonna give you three keys, three strategies right now
that can empower you, that can help both of you
ultimately get what it is that you want in a healthy,
respectful, loving way to make these steps easy to remember.
Each one of these steps starts with a letter R.
So the first step and the first strategy is review.
And what that means is go back to how the two
of you came together and don't underestimate
what he told you that he wanted early in the relationship.
Did you ask him what he wanted
and what his intentions were for his love life?
Has any of that been communicated?
Because no matter how much time that you've spent together,
if in the beginning of the relationship he said
that he wasn't looking for anything serious
and he just wanted to have fun, he's on that fun ladder
and he has no intention of moving over
to the Forever Ladder without some serious changes in his
life and what he wants.
And so what's really important is
that when someone tells you
what they want early on, believe them.
Don't think that they're just gonna naturally change their
mind because they fall in love with you,
or they spend enough time with you,
or they have enough fun with you.
The Fun Ladder doesn't turn into the Forever Ladder.
There is literally a shift of mindset
that has to happen for the guy.
And this is really, really important.
I think a misconception is
that we think you're climbing up this fun ladder,
and if it just goes high enough,
if it just goes long enough,
it's gonna turn into the forever Ladder and it doesn't.
And I see women waste literally months, if not years of time
in their dating life because they're expecting this fun
ladder to turn into the Forever Ladder.
So step one is review
and get really, really honest with
what did he say in the beginning?
Did he just want to have a casual connection?
Did he just want to keep it fun and light?
And if it does believe him?
I love this quote by Maya Angelou
because it really speaks to this.
She says, when someone shows you who they really are,
believe them the first time.
And I love this quote because it speaks to the mentality
that our job is not to get somebody to commit.
Our job is not to get someone
to jump from the Fun Ladder to the Forever Ladder.
Our job is simply to reveal for ourselves
what they really want and to discover that.
And if they naturally want a relationship
and want a commitment, there are some steps
that you can take to help evoke that.
And this brings me to the second strategy, which is
to reflect, and this is super important
To reflect for ourselves.
What's the driving motivation
for why we want this relationship
or this commitment with this person?
Is it because we want to celebrate the closeness
and the great relationship we've already created with them?
Or is it
because we believe if we get a commitment, some aspect
of the relationship is going to improve?
And this is where the fallacy comes in.
So often we think that, well, if this person commits,
then they're gonna communicate more frequently,
then they're gonna invest more in the relationship.
If I can get a label like we're boyfriend girlfriend
and I can get that status,
then he's gonna start treating you as a girlfriend
and prioritizing you and taking you out.
And the whole relationship is gonna lift up and upgrade.
And that is a major fallacy.
Behavior does not change because of a label.
The worst case scenario of this is someone who wants
to get married because they think, well, when I'm his wife,
then he'll be different.
That never works out whatever the level
of his commitment right now, the level
that he prioritizes you, the level that he pursues you,
the level he invests in, the two
of your connection together, whatever it is right now is
where it's gonna be after the two
of you have put a label on it or engaged your commitment.
And this happens all the time. At best, a woman will say,
Hey, I want a commitment.
I want us to put a label. What are we boyfriend, girlfriend?
I want more from you.
I want you to communicate more like, Hey,
if I'm really your girlfriend,
you gotta be texting me in the morning.
I want you to ask me about my day.
I want you to call me at night.
At best, he'll increase his behavior for a short period
of time, like maybe a week or so,
but eventually that intention from him is gonna wear off
and it's gonna settle back to whatever his normal is.
And you're gonna be disappointed
and underwhelmed with the level
of investment that he's giving.
As my assistant said, as we were masterminding this video,
you cannot polish a turd.
In other words, commitment should not be a solve
for a low quality relationship.
Commitment should be a celebration
of a high quality connection that you have with him,
because at the end of the day, you wanna be with somebody
who is clear about you.
You want to be with somebody
who loves you the way you love them.
You want to be with somebody who prioritizes you
and pursues you and shows you
before even the commitment,
what they're bringing to this relationship.
And this perfectly sets us up for the third strategy.
When you're in a situationship, which is requirement,
in other words, communicate directly what's required
to pursue this relationship with you.
If he's on the fun ladder
and you're on the forever ladder, you're looking for someone
to be your person, to be your partner, then you want
to communicate what your standards are.
What's the level of investment required to be with you?
What's the mindset required that, Hey,
we're on the same path here.
We're wanting the same thing.
Now, it's important to distinguish when this conversation
happens because sometimes people
misconstrue the timing in the very beginning
of the relationship when you're just going on the first few
dates, what you want to do,
and this is a big thing that people miss,
is they don't talk about
what their intentions are regardless of this person
and whether they're gonna work out
what the intention you want for your love life is,
this is critical.
This is key because that lets him know
what ladder he's gonna climb up in order to be with you.
My wife did this literally on her very first date,
and you can do this on the first date,
and it actually works better earlier rather than later.
Earlier. You don't know each other.
And as long as your energy isn't instant relationship,
like clinging onto him
that he's the one like, Hey, here's what I want.
You may or may not want the same thing, and that's okay,
but I just wanna be clear about where I'm going.
Then he will decide at that moment, which ladder he's going
to climb in order to build this relationship with you.
On our very first date,
I was literally on the fun ladder when we first met.
I was dating several women, we were all having a good time.
I was up front with everybody.
I told everybody, Hey, I'm just on the fun ladder right now.
I go on this date with my wife.
Before we had that particular conversation, she brings up
what ladder she's on and she goes,
Hey, this is the very end of our date.
We're kind of looking out at this the night sky.
And she goes, Hey, I just wanna let you know, like I'm kind
of done messing around, like I'm done just kind
of having fun and I'm really looking
to create something special with somebody.
You know, I don't know where you are in your life
or kind of what you want, but I
just want you to know where I am.
And I remember literally my mindset thinking, well,
I'm having fun right now.
And having a shift
and thinking, huh, maybe I'm ready for something special.
Maybe I'm ready to like go deep with somebody.
And it was like I was on that fun ladder
and she showed me the Forever Ladder,
and that's the one she was climbing.
And I was like, that ladder looks better to me.
And I literally got off the fun ladder,
climbed onto the forever Ladder
and said, let's explore this.
In other words, she didn't get me to commit.
She didn't make me commit.
What she did is she invited me on an extraordinary journey
with her saying, look, I'm an amazing woman.
This is where I'm headed. Do you want to join me?
And the guy who's right for you is gonna say Absolutely.
And he's gonna climb that forever ladder with you.
The guy that doesn't want the forever ladder
that's hanging out on the fun ladder.
If he doesn't want that, let him go.
Because the whole key here is let go of the wrong guy faster
so you can make room for the right guy faster.
And as you anchor into your confidence and your worthiness
and what it is that you want, you will absolutely attract
that guy to climb that forever ladder
with you sooner than you even imagined possible.
There's one caveat that I want to say here,
and that is be weary of the guy
who tells you he wants the forever ladder,
but hangs out on the fun ladder.
He doesn't invest more, he doesn't prioritize more,
he doesn't pursue you more.
He doesn't treat you like his girlfriend, that guy,
you wanna realize, oh, he's just all lip service.
He's still hanging out on the fun ladder,
and you let that guy go
because the guy who's gonna climb that forever ladder
with you is not only gonna speak it,
but he's gonna be about it.
He's gonna show up that way.
So let's put these three steps together.
Number one is to review
what did he say in the beginning of this relationship?
How did he get into this interaction with you?
Number two is to reflect. Why do you want this commitment?
Is it to celebrate the connection you already have?
Or is it to try to get him to be different, to invest more?
And number three is requirement.
Communicate upfront your requirement where you're headed
and invite him on that journey with you.
My question for you is when you found yourself in a
situationship where you're unclear about what the status
of the relationship is and you really would love
to move forward or release him,
what strategies work for you?
Go ahead and post those in the comment section
below and know this.
There is a great, amazing love story in store for you.
I believe in you. Thanks for watching. I'll see you soon.