time in versus time out is a concept that many families find richly rewarding although
initially challenging when my child misbehaves and I say go away from me until you can behave
I'm forgetting the fact that they need me as the parent to help them learn to regulate so if their
brain didn't mature because they didn't have a parent to regulate their needs now I'm sending
a child who emotionally needs connection and who cognitively needs direction and now I'm
sending them alone until they can succeed beyond unreasonable if you think about it
in terms of brain development so our goal is to say rather than the parent who says
you know you're not acting like part of our family take your food to your room until you
want to be a family boy and then you can come back to the table well the first place I want
to say sweet precious father in heaven when did my little boy misbehaving at my table
mean he's not mine but if I send children away who have come from hard places I teach them to
distrust leaning on me I teach them actually to dissociate and I actually teach them
ways that don't enhance their long-term mental health if I've got a child who got hurt they
learned to disconnect from the hurt now I send them to their room it's a world primed
for dissociation I don't mean dissociation necessarily in the mentally ill dissociation
I mean checking out so my goal for my child when I send them away would be for them to figure out
how to fix the behavior they can't they need me and I need them and we need connection my
goal when I do a time in is look buddy that's not the way we're going to do that I want you
sit right here for a few minutes do time in I'll be right over here washing the dishes on just a
few feet away when you're ready to tell me what you did wrong and how you can do it right say
ready I'll come right away so when my child I go a very short distance away a few feet away
maybe I can be working on some paperwork there or maybe I can be doing the dishes but whatever it
is my child is close by me now in a few minutes that child says I'm ready and I go and I kneel
down our Ling down and I take the child's hands I said tell me buddy what did you do wrong and
maybe the child would say if he had been sassy I was using mean words and you'd say yeah they were
mean do you want to try it again how could you do that right well I could use my good words now the
child has a chance to do the redo that child has been with me from the beginning of that behavioral
issue to the end of the behavioral issue I got to mentor their brain I got to tell them that I
will not abandon them when they're bad they're always my kid out I'm going to always be there
and you can always count on me but that behaviors not okay let's try it again so time in teaches my
child how to problem-solve for life that is let's go to the problem that's work it out
together remember you're teaching your child strategies when they're for for when they're
14 and 40 so choose your strategies wisely if you cut your child off and send them away when
they misbehave you can expect your 14 year old to shut you down and out when you're not
making the best choices as a parent so time in teaches my child come here I mean help you we're
going to work on this together it's a vastly different message than sending a child away
you