-Hi.
Oh yeah. I want a burrito but like... the tortillas are so high in calories and I'm trying to eat healthier, so...I don't know?
- How about a bowl then?
Okay, perfect. So I'll have beans,
Rice,
Steak,
Oh, a TON of sour cream
Oh and A LOT of cheese. More cheese
More.
MORE.
And Queso.
Is that it?
Oh, can I also get approximately two tortillas worth of chips?
You know since I'm eating healthy, I might as well treat myself, you know.
You go Denise. Ahha
Every Chipotle ever.
Uh, could I get beans on there?
Black...or pinto?
Uh...what's the difference?
You tell me.
I mean c...come on like beans are beans r...right?
I don't know, are they?
I don't know.
I think you do, so black or pinto?
Look a- a- a
Pinto!
Okay, heh, wow!
What?
Nothing, nothing. *Wow, dude*
Okay, fine, whatever. Uhm, can you put rice on that too?
White or brown?
You want a quesadilla? It'll be ready in two days.
Rice?
Uhhh.. No, I'm good on rice, thank you.
Cool.
Toppings?
Yeah, mild salsa, and um... You know what, can I actually get the rice, please?
Were you not offered rice earlier?
No, I asked him, he said no.
Sir, you said no.
Yeah, but I changed my mind?
Uh.
Sir, this is the toppings portion of the assembly. The rice is over in the bases.
Can you walk back over to the rice?
I-I-I'm assigned toppings today, so no.
Okay, can you hand him the burrito?
No, the burritos can only travel in one swift direction.
It's right there!
Sir, I don't know how they do things at H&R Block or wherever chaotic sh*thole you work,
but here at Chipotle, we have strict rules and regulations, you got it?
Yeah, and for trying to bully us into violating those rules, we're gonna have to ask you to leave. - Get out.
Seriously.
Yes
Okay, fine.
What a jerk. - Yeah, you're telling me.
Excuse me. - Yeah, what's up?
Sofritas is Spanish for: ain't no meat in this!
I told you I can't eat anything here. The burritos are too big and they make my belly all bloated.
Why can't we just do something I wanna do?
Because everything you like to do sucks ass. Okay look, I'm sorry for going off on you in this restaurant, but just being honest.
You know what? I'll be right back.
Okay
Can I have one burrito, please?
Great. Can we go now?
OHH!
Yeah.
I order the bowl and then I just use chips as a utensil
And that's the guacamole. - Oh cool.
Yeah I like to remind people that's extra just to put them in their place. - Sure.
Now let me teach you how to wrap a burrito. - Oh, I think I'm actually good on that.
You sure? - Yeah, it's wrapping a burrito. How hard is it gonna be?
Alright.
No, that's not it, that's not it.
Okay, then you pick it up and we're goo-, We know that now.
That is the swan's head. Chill, that's chill. Let's just fold it as best we ca-
Damnit. Hold this up. Tuck it in like that, flip it over. No, that'll never work!
Turn it up. So we're gonna tuck it. Tuck it. And tuck it.
*Screaming*
Failure!
Disgusting!
We can salvage this.
Oh-ho!
Quitin' time.
F**K *crash* God-
Sorry we're out of grilled veggies. We always have been and we always will be.
What's with all the writing on the cups? - I dunno, I never actually read it.
Hey you, yeah, you. Did, you know that Chipotle's cup artists are all indentured servants paid weekly in burritos?
There were six of us, each one kidnapped and taken to a lighthouse by Robo under the light of the full moon.
Kept under lock and key and hidden from the world. Of the original 6, 4 have perished from the E. coli in the lettuce.
but that's not why I'm writing this. I miss my wife. Her name is Sarah Rynerson.
If you know her,
Please tell Sarah that I love her.
I need her to know that I didn't leave and I promise I'll find a way home to her.
Wow, that is such corporate bulls***. - Totally.
Are you actually gonna order a margarita here?
Salsa?
Uh, yeah salsa's free, right?
Yeah. - Okay, then I would like the avocado salsa.
The guacamole is extra.
I thought you said salsa was free.
Yeah, but guacamole is guacamole and it's extra.
Oh, okay, okay, how about this? Can you give me a whole avocado, cause that's basically a vegetable
which we all know is free, and then you give me some salsa and I do all the hard work?
No.
Okay, okay hear me out.
Uh, how about you hold on to the cheese and sour cream
cause I know those are your big ticket items and although I'm entitled to them
I will let you keep them. You give me some guacamole.
and a little bit of extra meat for my trouble and then you get to sell that cheese, I get to get my
guacamole, and then your corporate overlords are none the wiser.
I'm going on break.
Excuse me, sir, can I interest you in buying some guacamole and then giving me half of it?
The cheeseurito is a real thing and it's on the secret menu. Order it.
Hey, yeah, I would like one tortil-la, please.
Oh my god, I'm sorry.
She would like Una Tortilla.
What're you doing?
Courtney this isn't Taco Bell, okay, this is an authentic Mexican experience, alright. Just let me do the talking.
Si yo would like muy grande burrito con carnitas y frijoles and salsa picante bellamos
Dude, I don't know what you're saying.
He wants one of those meat wraps that has like the little black potatoes and the spicy ketchup.
OHHHH ya ya ya!
I can do that for sure. I can definitely be that guy for you.
None of you have culture, apparently.
*BEEP*
excuse me?
Yeah!
Can I get a mustard hoagie?
A homeless woman is inside here again.
Okay, uh. Can I- can I get a hot Italian sub?
*BEEP*
Help!
Got another dead guy.
I'm not dead yet.
He's gonna be dead soon.
*BEEP*
Salma Hayek
*BEEP*
Bellamos
Let's see, potato time
Is that bathrooms?
*BEEP*
Son?
Dad?
Oh my God!
- Oh my God.
I thought you died in that fire.
- I did.
What?
They put.... a new.... brain into my-
Really improved yourself into a hole that time, eh buddy?
Thank you guys so much for watching Every Chipotle Ever.
If you still want to see more sketches check out the one we did last week: Dating in 1999 vs. 2019.
Or if you're in a summer games mode and want to see some competitions, click this playlist to see everything we've done so far.