- Kids are lazy.
That's what they think about us, you're lazy.
You're the lazy generation.
Get a job, get some money, get your own place,
get out of your parent's home.
Jesus died on the cross so he could live
with his dad for eternity.
(upbeat music)
Thank you, thank you, meltdown.
Thank you, meltdown people.
Come on, keep it going.
Those guys, come on, meltdown.
I'm not kidding, let's set a record tonight.
Don't stop clapping.
Let's see if you can clap for 10 straight minutes.
I'll just tell the jokes.
Don't stop clapping.
If you don't like a joke, verbally boo out loud.
But do not stop clapping.
Everyone watching at home hates this moment.
They will never know what it's like to be here.
And get a camera on me.
Stay the fuck out.
You stay out.
Stay the fuck outta here.
This is our time.
This is our time down here.
Get outta here, stool.
Get the fuck outta here.
Do not stop.
Don't you fucking stop.
I hope someone's just now turned into the channel.
They have no idea this is set up.
Guys, seriously.
I have jokes to tell.
Always act like the mic chord is too in the way.
I have jokes.
Guys.
I have jokes.
I seriously have them.
Come on.
Keep it going, do not stop.
- That's the longest applause I've ever seen.
- It's so great.
(people clapping)
- Are y'all serious right now?
Are y'all being serious right now?
- You wanna go out?
- I fucking love you guys.
Goodnight.
(people cheering)
You serious?
Are you fucking serious?
All right, let me do an encore, let me do an encore.
Sit down.
Keep it going, I'll try to do one joke.
9/11 in Europe, do they say 11/9?
You know they do, and it's disrespectful.
You guys have been great, thank you very much.
I'm pro-abortion.
All right, shut up, that is ridiculous.
That is stupid.
Pro-abortion for one reason.
I honestly believe that some of those babies
would've grown up to be abortion doctors.
Just recently watched The Dark Knight again.
Can't all be abortion jokes.
We're going to go into some Batman stuff.
Hope that works.
Oh, good transish.
Good transish.
That's an industry term,
and if you don't know it's 'cause you have a (bleep) job.
Good transish.
Love The Dark Knight.
Love Batman.
One thing I don't get is he's kind of a dick
when he leaves Commissioner Gordon.
They're always together having a conversation.
He ropes him into the conversation,
and then he just unknowingly leaves,
like he can't say bye.
No one could know when I'm leaving.
No, no, I'm out of here.
I don't want anybody to know, I'm Batman.
It would be weird though if Batman
legitimately did say goodbye.
Dressed like that, just hanging out.
Well guys, you know me.
I got to get to going.
No, it's good seeing you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, it's good seeing you guys.
Sucks it's always in these conditions.
But you know, we're doing what we can.
I think that's one thing you can wake up in the morning
and pat yourself on the back about.
You know how many times I've shot these things
it doesn't grab onto anything,
comes right back at me.
Hits me in the face, I got a black eye,
you don't know, I wear a mask.
Oh, look at that, don't have to wind it back up again.
No, I'm gonna put it on slow.
I wanna finish this conversation.
Yeah, no, I heard that your wife was in the hospital.
Yeah, yeah, I got an email.
I got an email.
It's weird, I had a cousin
who went in for a kidney transplant,
which is weird.
Everyone's got two, you only need one.
I know, I'm stuck.
I'm snagged.
A lot of young adults in their late 20s
starting to live at home with mom and dad now.
Uh oh, epidemic sweeping the country.
Kids are lazy.
That's what they think about us.
You're lazy.
You're the lazy generation.
Get a job, get some money, get your own place,
get out of your parent's home.
Jesus died on the cross
so he could live with his dad for eternity.
Forever.
I was standing in the sex shop.
I was looking at the toys.
Just looking at the fake ass.
You know what I'm talking about?
Even if you don't know what I'm talking about,
you kind of know exactly what I'm talking about.
You know what I'm talking about,
it's just an ass.
Just a vagina and an anus.
That's all it is.
We know the deal.
Stared at it for five minutes
sizing it up.
At the end of five minutes I was like, you know what,
yes, I would have sex with that.
I would do that.
Yes, I would.
I would.
No one's ever gonna know if I did or not,
then yes, of course,
I was going to masturbate anyways.
Let's get some music in there, you know what I mean?
Hey, going down to the field?
Why don't you take the equipment with you?
Have the closest thing you can get to a sex scrimmage.
Guys don't know when they're gonna masturbate.
We don't know when we're gonna do it.
It just happens.
You'll be home, no one's there.
Hey, anybody here?
Okay.
All guys do that before they decide
they're gonna masturbate.
(high-pitched squealing)
I have to, now I have to.
Can't do this for my whole life.
I gotta jerk off.
That's how it is, we don't know when we're gonna do it.
We just do it.
You buy that fake ass,
you gotta start putting a schedule together.
You gotta know what Tuesday looks like on Sunday.
You know what I mean?
Hey, what time you gonna be home from work again?
For sure?
For sure 4:30?
It doesn't matter why I'm asking.
Gotta factor in how long it's gonna take
to climb into the attic where you've hidden it.
Behind the early Christmas purchases.
Ah, there you are, come on.
I'm ready with excuses.
If somebody walks in, not somebody, my girlfriend.
Not just somebody.
If just somebody walked in, that's on me.
You know what I mean?
That's on me.
If just somebody walked in,
I made bad choices well before this moment,
if just somebody walked in.
I deserve it, I deserve that.
Just anybody.
Oh hey, sorry.
Girlfriend, if my girlfriend walks in, I'm ready to go.
Oh my god, what are you doing?
I don't know, practicing?
I love you, okay?
Turns out I love you.
I want to be better at this for you.
Okay?
Lot of shows on television,
and a lot of different comedy clubs in this country
will not actually support a Christian comedian.
So I appreciate that.
One, for them having the courage,
asking God, saying should we have him on?
God being like, I vouch for him, he's got some good stuff.
He's gotta know a bit.
I mean, watch out.
You're on the Christian comedy circuit
and you don't got a know a bit,
get out of the business and get back into the Bible.
Get right back into the Bible,
that's sort of my catch phrase,
get back into the Bible.
If you guys know anything
about the Christian comedy circuit,
I refuse to believe that the entire crowd
doesn't like Christian comedy.
A lot of Christians don't even like Christian comedy.
Talk about the Bible with you guys.
I wanted to do a quick prayer just to kind of kick it off.
I told John to kind of start the show that way,
pretty upset that he didn't do it,
and that is gonna be his own issue
when he's eternally suffering in hell.
Let's go and bow our heads.
If you're watching at home, and I assume you are,
or I don't know where you'd be.
I watch TV in my backyard.
Get inside.
Let's bow our heads.
Let's go and bow those heads.
Bow our heads.
Who wants to bow their heads?
Let's bow our heads.
Heavenly Father,
above us, beyond us, within us, outside of us.
Over here, over there, always looking down on us
from heaven trying to tickle us, get out of here, Jesus.
Get out of here, dude.
What's his deal, you know?
Anybody ever ask that?
What's his deal?
What's he been through?
Quite a bit.
Father, we ask you tonight
to help us pray for the homosexuals.
Uh oh, where's this joke going?
I don't know, either.
Help us tonight to pray for the homosexuals,
a group so bold, so brazen,
they chose a rainbow flag to signify
their accomplishments and their struggles,
knowing full well that the people who hate them
have always hated colors.