- I'm gonna get it in, all right.
- Oh my god! - Oh my god! I did it!
- I've never done that before.
- That wasn't even near my head.
- [Damien] I'm sorry.
- Aw!
Did I get it?
- No. That's very close though.
- [Group] Ey!
- Shayne, we said, "Ey!"
- Oh no, he's become stupid.
- Shayne, have you become stupid?
(group gasps) (ominous music)
- This is the craziest thing that's, like, ever happened.
Shayne's whole thing is that he's loud.
- A silent Shayne is like a crime against nature.
It's like if cats could have babies with dogs.
Yeah, I may wish for it every night.
But in the cold light of morning, I know it's wrong.
I want to see a Pomeranian mate with the giraffe,
because then I would wanna see...
I think it'd just made a horse.
I think it would just make a horse.
But I don't know and I'd like confirmation.
Wait, so what happens if you do talk?
(Shayne sighs)
(ominous music)
- Holy (beep)! - That's terrible.
- That sounds so fun!
That sounds terrible.
- Wow. I wonder what life's gonna be like
without Shayne screaming all the time.
(enchanting harp music)
I can't see this book because of the cucumbers,
but this is the most relaxing day of my life.
(safe clicking)
- God.
Who knew I was so good at breaking into private safes.
I guess all I needed was silence.
(calming music)
(Damien screaming)
- (laughs) Damien, you're so funny when you're loud.
(Courtney and Olivia clapping) (calming music)
(enchanting harp music)
(group laugh nervously)
- I one time pulled out a key out of my entire ear.
- [Courtney] What?
- Yeah.
- Oh my- - There's no freaking sense.
- What a typical Tuesday.
(balls rolling)
- Ah, all right, B5.
- Ugh.
- [Monica] Anyone have bingo?
- [Courtney] No.
- Do I hear a bingo?
- No, we don't. - No.
- We don't.
- Doesn't even feel like anyone has bingo today.
- All right, well, um,
we'll move on then.
All right, Shayne, can you not workout during bingo.
This is serious.
The prize is my car, dude.
So no one has bingo, right?
- No. - If you did,
you would say something.
- Yeah absolutely, Monica. - Yeah, no one has bingo.
- We would obviously tell you.
Shayne always wins at bingo.
He technically owns all of our cars.
It's insane that he's off his game today.
- You got this, man. - Come on, bud.
- [Damien] Open up your little mouth.
It'll make you happy. - Just open them.
- Come on.
- Buddy, just open up.
- I'm trying to get in your ear.
- Whoa. - Whoa.
- Mm! Yum, yum!
- Guys, Gigi Hadid is giving out free kisses
at the parking lot to anybody who verbally consents.
- Whoa! I consent!
- I consent!
- Yeah. I'm sorry.
Only verbal consent.
Not written.
A lot of forgery nowadays.
Bye!
- I heard he tore his ACL wiping his ass.
It's just a rumor I'm trying to spread always
on the internet about Shayne.
Is he around?
- Do you Shayne's mom take Monica
to be your lawfully wedded wife
to give big kisses every day and every night forever.
- I do.
- If anyone objects to this union,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
(soft orchestral music)
No one?
No?
- Aw, my little buddy's getting so excited for his new mom.
- He wet to bed till he was 13.
- [Monica] Oh, I believe it. (chuckles)
(Shayne sobbing)
- I have 300 teeth.
- [Courtney] Whose are they?
- Mine.
- [Courtney] All of them?
- Yes. Okay, well maybe one was from Gil.
- Oh, Gil. - My baby daddy.
- [Courtney] He always was missing a lot of teeth.
- Yes, I took one.
- Oh my god, are you hearing this?
She has 300 plus teeth and at least 90% are hers.
- Come on, open up your little mouth.
- Come on, open up.
We've got bigger things to throw at you now.
- [Damien] Open up your little mouth.
- Hey, does anyone else's ears her for lack of sound?
- [Courtney And Damien] Yes!
- [Group] Whoa! (things rattling)
- What's happening?
- Yeah, this is just a theory,
but I think that the earth's gravity
is so used to the immense sound waves
coming from Shayne's voice
that its absence is messing with the relationship
between our oceans and the moon. Hmph!
You can check my math if you want.
- Gu-, guys! Guys, guys.
Killer birds are swooping down from the heavens
and eating people.
It's like they were being scared away
by some loud constant sound that suddenly disappeared.
(intense music)
- Shayne don't!
- It's not worth it!
- Wait, Shayne! I didn't see what the whiteboard said!
What did it say?
(intense music)
(intense music stops) - Oh, I got to tie my shoes.
I'll be there.
(intense music)
(intense music stops) The birds.
Don't forget about the birds.
(intense music) (birds cawing)
- My name
is Shane Robert Topp
and I
(Shayne screaming)
(Shayne exploding)
- [Courtney] Whoa! He wasn't kidding.
- I was right.
This is kind of fun.
- Robert?
- My boy. (melancholic music)
My beautiful boy!
No! (sobbing)
- Wanna go to Shayne's house and take his stuff?
- I already started.
- Okay.
(Monica sobbing) (melancholic music)
(melancholic music stops)
- This is nice.
It's a nice shoe.
Okay.
Yeah, this is fine.
- [Man] A moment with God. (soft piano music)
- I'm not God.
I'm Matt Damon.
- [Man Whispers] A moment with God.
- Hi, it's your boy Augustis.
Five-star Yelp reviewer
and the doctors call me an anomaly.
And I'm here to talk to you about Samurai Explosion.
You may be wondering how I have the energy
to wake up every day and continue on.
Up until now I've been surviving purely out of spite,
but this actually makes me feel
as though I can get tasks done.
I'm currently programming an anime waifu girlfriend.
Other tasks involve eating food,
tasks,
putting my body on the line for your entertainment,
and then reviewing it on Yelp.
It has seven vitamins and minerals,
mostly minerals. (bomb exploding)
There's a lot of dirt in there.
Minerals.
It will give you the power to please a waifu or husbando.
I'm not gonna judge.
Hell, let's get them both in here.
Let's (beep) party.
I know what you're thinking.
"Augustis, Augustis,
Doesn't it make your booty hurt
when you bleed and you poop?"
It's not that bad, you guys!
(Augustis coughs)
Follow me on Yelp and Twitter.
If you are strong enough,
I don't have to tell you how to find me.
I've left clues throughout this commercial.
I feel like I could do the shadow clone jutsu.
(Augustis farts)
Oh (beep)!
(canned laughter)