"I must be cruel only to be kind;
thus, bad begins and worse remains behind."
That's Hamlet, man.
Did you know there's a
deleted scene from Hamlet where he takes the MBTI test
and, uh, finds out he's INFJ?!
Okay, so this gets called
the "INFJ Door Slam"
and stuff all the time, and to be honest with you, I don't-
I didn't want to use that term.
But I used it just because,
if I don't, no one's going to know what I'm talking about.
This video, basically, I want to talk about
"INFJ B R U T A L I T Y"
That's what other people call the "Door Slam,"
and I wanted to explain a little bit
about where I think it comes from because
you see a lot of different
articles and videos and stuff about it, and
not- they don't necessarily, like, explain
why it happens. They'll just say, like, these general things, like,
[sad, classical music] "INFJs are such nice people,
and they give people
so many chances, and then those people don't reform,
and then the INFJ has to just cut them out of their life..."
~ forever ~
There's maybe some more subtlety to it.
To my mind, it's not a door slam;
that's, that- I don't like that term because it seems
like, petty. I don't know,
it just seems- I would never slam a door,
but I would do much worse. I would be brutal.
I wouldn't be petty. I think that every
human is capable of brutality,
some more than others, and I don't necessarily mean
brutal in the way of, like,
pushing an old lady in front of a bus or something...
Like that's
physically brutal. That's like, you know,
criminally brutal [yes it is, Frank]. I'm just talking about, like,
in your interactions with other people, sort of like
social brutality,
interpersonal brutality, where
maybe you're not physically harming another person
but you're emotionally...
maybe...
destroying them, being an emotional kind of brute.
There are lots of other types who do this even without thinking,
and it's just sort of, their mode of being is
to, uh, brutalize other people emotionally.
And, you know, INFJs are on the "nice end"
of the spectrum.
I would say INFJs, INFPs,
we're the two, maybe, nicest types.
But even INFPS, who are even
nicer than us, INFPs are capable of brutality, too;
it just takes a while to get there.
But for an INFJ, the brutality is much closer to the surface.
What am I talking about?-
What is brut- What is this "brutality" that I keep-
this *amorphous concept*
of brutality I keep talking about?
[sips drink]
I mean, basically, if you think of it in
terms of the "Door Slam,"
that's what the brutality is. It's like, how...
how willing are you to just totally...say to someone
"you're dead to me,"
basically, through your actions, not your
words so much because, as...as someone has said
—maybe, was it Shakespeare who said it, was it Hamlet who said—
"actions speak louder than words?"
[assuming the role of Hamlet] "ACTIONS SPEAKER LOUDER THAN WORDS, UNCLE CLAUDIUS!-
You know, maybe when you killed my dad that speaked-
that speaked a bit louder!"
So, it's one thing to say to someone, you know, to chew someone out,
to be verbally brutal to someone,
but when your actions
are clear that you're cutting someone out of your life and
they don't matter to you anymore,
that's brutal, man. To me, I think a better
image than the door slamming is
you have a very strong connection to someone,
and it's like you have this link to them, like...
like a cable
or a string, running from your heart to theirs.
It's like you're taking scissors
and you're cutting it...
all the while...
acting like you're not cutting it,
and like it was never there to begin with.
The thing is, why does this happen?
Why can't an INFJ who has
extraverted feeling, which would
—you would think— make it so that some-
you could just smooth over something,
or you would know how to better
conclude, to bring some closure to it in a way
that isn't so harsh.
And I've thought a lot about this, and
all I can come up with —and I think this is probably right
cuz that— that the INFJ sees
the world in shades of gray. I don't-
you can disagree with me,
I don't think that I am a very black and white thinker;
I see everything in shades of gray. Nothing is really, totally,
one way or the other.
And, when it comes to
perspectives,
I can see all kinds of perspectives.
I see all sides of an argument,
and I can- it's easy for me to see
where someone is coming from, and why
they feel the way they do
and why they value the things that they do.
I mean, that's- that's frickin' extraverted feeling right there, is
we value what they value above what
we would naturally value. Does that make sense?
That's extraverted feeling, man.
So, when there's someone in your life and there's some kind of conflict,
or if they do something bad,
you know, they do something
to hurt you,
we are very likely to
see their point of view
and be like,
"Okay, yeah,
that was a jerk thing they did, it wasn't right, but
I can sort of see why they did it,
so, you know...
'to err is human, to forgive is divine,'
so, I'll give 'em another chance."
You basically keep doing this, and to a point where
you get really confused
cuz a more black and white thinker, I think, would be like,
"No-no-no.
This person has violated, uh,
my trust, or they violated something that I value,
and so I'm gonna
move on from this person."
But we see so many shades of gray that it's sort of
that we are able to
more easily justify keeping a person around
when they seem to really not
offer us much. Or maybe it's not so much
that you and this person are enemies, but it's like,
you just keep hurting each other and
it's not leading anywhere good.
Maybe
a different type would handle things differently, and maybe just,
you know,
have a heart-to-heart talk and say,
"Look, man, we can't be friends anymore," or
would jet out of there earlier-
I think maybe what it is is we just drag
things on way too long.
We allow things to get to the point where
its- it's really unbearable, and,
even in our misery,
we still see the other side of it
and think...
[chuckles]
and think, "This is fine!"
Have you ever seen that cartoon where there- it's- it's like a comic, where
there's this dog sitting in a house
with a cup of coffee and the house is on fire, and he says,
"This is fine?"
That's- He's an INFJ.
And when we stay in the situation a long time with a person,
whether it be in a relationship or whether it be a friendship
or a family member,
you drag it out until the point where
metaphorically,
the house is on fire but you're still saying "this is fine."
And then, it gets to the point where you're like,
finally galvanized, and you're like,
"This is NOT fine,"
and it's at a point where you can't
you...you feel that you can't
extricate yourself from it without
huge, dramatic action. And I think that's-
I think it's a point where, maybe in a way,
we start grieving
that this- this relationship has to end
before we even consciously realize it.
And then we reach the part of grief where we get
angry, and then that's where
we decide to
"slam the door," if you will,
to "cut the string," and just end it
in a really brutal way.
It's not brutal in the sense of
you chew the person out, and tell them what a worthless, piece of
garbage they are; it's brutal in a way where...
you act like they don't exist,
which is perhaps...
one of the worst things you can do to someone
—really—
...is to pretend that they don't exist. And that they
never existed.
Or that they might as well never existed to you,
you know?
[takes deep breath]
It's brut- That's brut-
That's the INFJ Brutality right there,
is that
we will stick with someone so long
and try to make it work
and say, like, you know, "Yeah, I see your side of things,"
and then, without warning...
they're dead to you.
That's what it is.
It's like you see so many shades of gray,
and then, in order to get yourself out of
the misery,
you have to suddenly go into black and white
and you have to cast
this other person as the villain, and it's like
extreme black and white. Turn up the contrast all the way!
This person is a villain, and is
causing the misery. That helps you justify being brutal to them.
Maybe it's just this "power grab"
that "I feel powerless,"
you know, when you get in these bad situations, you feel like
you're- you've lost your power,
and to assert yourself in your life
again, you need to do something, like,
somewhat destructive in order to prove to yourself
that you
have some power...
you know?
That's just...
That's just being human, to want to assert
your power.
Maybe that's just a guy thing, but
I don't think so. I think all humans, at some-
at some level, they need to assert control over their lives.
INFJS, especially, this- are very
concerned with control, you know, regaining some of that
power in this- in a- in a
situation like this. You feel like, "Well...
I've burned the bridge
and, you know, left a big crater
where something meaningful was, BUT
at least I did it,
and at least that was ME calling the shots."
You know?
So, that's my take on the,
uh, what's been called the "Door Slam,"
but I think that's way too weak of a way of putting it, so
I call it "INFJ Brutality."
You know, the original title for Hamlet was,
uh, called "The Door Slam."
["ba-dum-tiss" sound effect]
[chuckles at own joke]
I don't know why that's so funny to me...
All right, so I promised on Monday that I was gonna do a
Q&A,
and I thought I would do it as part of this video,
but this video...
has gone a little long.
So, what I'm gonna do is Imma do, um,
stick around! - I'm gonna put a link at the end
to an unlisted video, where it's just gonna be all Q&A.
You know, I'll just loosen up my tie, it'll be like
a fun, kind of just, you and me
(the cool people),
and yeah, so click that link [click it!]
at the end.
Uh, so- or I'll put it up here now!
Frick!
Thank you very much for watching!
I love you all, you're cool and attractive. [yeah we are!]
Uh, like the video if you liked it,
subscribe if you haven't already -
get on the Frank James Train already, man!
Tune in next time, where I will recite the entirety of Hamlet~
♪ Outro Music - Neptune by Riften (aka Frank James) ♪