-I was running a bit behind today, so I thought,
if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like to write out
my weekly Thank You Notes right now.
Is that cool with you guys? [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
James, can I get some Thank You Note-writing music, please?
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Ah. Such a good mood all the time.
-Yeah.
♪♪
What?
♪♪
-Thank you, CDC telling people not to touch their face,
for being a great way to get millions of Americans
to want to touch their face.
It's like... "Wait. What?"
-Nyah!
♪♪
-Thank you, self-quarantining if you feel flu-like symptoms,
or, as that's also known, Netflix and chills.
-Ahh. Come on.
Come on.
♪♪
-Thank you, Democratic candidate field,
for having more drop-outs this week
than a 7:00 a.m. spin class
the morning after St. Patrick's Day.
[ Laughter ]
[Irish accent] "I don't think I can make the class, my friend."
-[Irish accent] "I'm a bit busy."
-"Yes." -"Brutal."
♪♪ -Thank you, New York City,
for cleaning the subway with bleach every three days...
or, as murderers put it, "Thanks for the heads up."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Imitating suctioning ]
♪♪
-[ Laughing evilly ]
♪♪
-Just wanna say hi.
-Achoo!
-I didn't know you were gonna do "Schwinn!"
[ Laughs ]
Going to that acting class is really paying off.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, New York's ban on plastic bags.
Well, well, well, I guess saving 900 plastic bags
under my kitchen sink for ten years finally paid off!
♪♪
Schwinn!
[ Applause ]
♪♪
-Thank you, nail clippers,
for allowing me to cut my nails and cut a bitch.
-Ooh!
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Schwinn! -Schwinn!
♪♪
-Thank you, daylight saving
being the time we spring forward,
for being the most positive way of saying
"screwed out of another hour of sleep."
There you go, everybody. Those are my Thank You Notes.