- PATTY IN PARK CITY, UTAH, TEXTS:
- WELL, THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER BEEN ADDICTED TO
IS A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE.
I GUESS THAT DOESN'T COUNT, THOUGH.
- I DON'T THINK SO. - ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I AM ABOUT TO GO AND GET MYSELF ADDICTED
TO SOMETHING STRONGER
AND MORE POWERFUL THAN KNOWLEDGE.
AHA.
THOSE ARE NICELY MADE LINES.
WELL, I HAVE NEVER DONE COCAINE BEFORE,
AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW EASY OR HARD IT IS
TO GET ADDICTED TO IT.
I CONFESS I AM QUITE NERVOUS ABOUT THIS, BUT--
THANK YOU.
BON VOYAGE.
- HAPPY SAILING.
- [snorts]
[grunts]
AAH. OH!
THAT'S LIKE BLEACH IN MY SINUSES.
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
[coughs, hacks]
NO. THAT'S A TERRIBLE FEELING.
GOOD-BYE, COCAINE.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, MISTER--
AAH. - WHAT?
YOU WOULD'VE LIKED TO HAVE DONE THAT COCAINE?
- NO. - NO, OF COURSE NOT.
THAT'S ABSOLUTE GARBAGE. THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I FEEL LIKE GOING FOR A WALK. YOU WANNA GO FOR A WALK?
- YEAH, I'M JUST GONNA TAKE OUT YOUR TRASH REAL QUICK.
- THAT'S FINE.
SOME PEOPLE SIMPLY CAN'T GET ADDICTED.
THEIR BRAINS ARE TOO STURDY.
COULD THIS BE MY PROBLEM?
I TESTED THAT HYPOTHESIS WITH TWO OTHER
FAMOUSLY ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES:
CIGARETTES FILLED WITH TOBACCO...
[coughing]
OH, NO, NO, NO.
AND ALCOHOLIC WINE.
BUT I COULD NOT GET THOSE MONKEYS ON MY BACK.
ALL THIS DOES IS MAKE ME SLEEPY.
I THINK I'LL, UH, GO TO THE BATHROOM.
[exhales]
SO YOU CAN ADD ALCOHOL TO THE LIST
OF [bleep] I'M NOT ADDICTED TO.
I MEAN, MAYBE I'M JUST INVULNERABLE TO ADDICTION.
LIKE, WHAT AM I, A SUPERHERO?
IT'S MR. INVULNERABLE!
[laughs]
OKAY, SO I HAVE TRIED
COCAINE, CIGARETTES, ALCOHOL.
DIDN'T GET ADDICTED TO ANY OF THOSE.
BUT THERE'S ONE MORE THING I NEED TO TRY.
COCAINE! [chuckles]
JUST LIKE MY WIFE SUZANNE, WHO FOR YEARS
HAD ENJOYED TAKING POT FROM TIME TO TIME,
MY OCCASIONAL RECREATIONAL USE OF COCAINE
HAD IMPROVED MY LIFE.
I WAS MORE PRODUCTIVE...
RED ONES AND YELLOW ONES. I GOT A LOT OF RED BOOKS--
I MADE MORE SCARVES...
I'M MAKING YOU ONE.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'LL WEAR IT OR NOT--I DON'T EVEN CARE.
I WAS A BETTER FATHER.
CHICKEN LITTLE GOES UP TO HENNY PENNY.
"HENNY PENNY, THE SKY IS FALLING!"
AND OF COURSE HENNY PENNY DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE SKY IS FALLING?"
THE SKY IS FALLING!
[snores]
[sniffs] OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
- HEY, FORREST. - [grunts]
- DID YOU MAKE 14 ATM WITHDRAW--
WHOA. - YEAH, SORRY.
- WHAT JUST HAPPENED? - NOTHING, IT BROKE.
IT JUST BROKE. IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE.
NO. WHAT? WHAT? - OKAY.
SOMEBODY MADE 14 ATM WITHDRAWALS THIS WEEK.
- WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME THAT IT WOULD BE ME?
DID YOU EVER CONSIDER MAYBE
WHAT'S-HIS-NAME IS DOING IT?
IT COULD BE WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.
- WHO'S WHAT'S-HIS-NAME?
- YOU KNOW, UPSTAIRS.
THE KID. [clears throat]
ALL RIGHT, HOT SHOT, DO YOU KNOW HIS NAME?
- ERIC?
- ALL RIGHT, FINE. YES, YOU WIN THAT ONE.
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
- NOTHING'S WRONG. I'M FINE.
I'M JUST TRYING TO EAT SOMETHING.
- [sighs]
- SHOW ME WHAT I DID WRONG.
- I'M PRETTY SURE THESE GRAY ONES GO IN HERE.
- I VOLUNTEERED TO CHAPERONE ERIC
AND HIS FRIENDS ON A CAMPING TRIP
AND MADE AN IMPORTANT DISCOVERY
ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP TO COCAINE.
WAIT A MINUTE. HEY, ERIC.
HAVE YOU SEEN, UH, THAT BAG THAT I HAD,
THAT LITTLE PLASTIC BAG OF, UH, CAMPING POWDER?
- NO.
- BEING SEPARATED FROM COCAINE FOR SIX HOURS
MADE ME REALIZE I HAD A PROBLEM,
AND I NEEDED HELP...
IN THE FORM OF MORE COCAINE.
- HEY, MR. MACNEIL. - DO YOU HAVE IT?
- YEAH. - THANK YOU.
GOD.
ALL RIGHT, MEN, WE'RE GONNA DO EVERYTHING THIS WEEKEND.
WE'RE GONNA GET OUR BIRD-WATCHING BADGES.
WHO WANTS THEIR BIRD-WATCH-- ANYBODY WANT
THEIR BIRD-WATCHING BADGE, WE'RE GONNA DO IT.
WE'RE GONNA FIND SOME BIRDS, AND WE'RE GONNA WATCH THEM,
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GET OUR ORIENTEERING BADGES, YOU GUYS.
- YOUR NOSE IS BLEEDING. - OH.
THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK, YOU GUYS.
- DAD? - I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK.
- DO YOU HAVE SHOOTING PAIN DOWN YOUR ARM?
- YEAH, I GOT SHOOTING PAINS EVERYWHERE.
OH, MY GOD, I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK.
I'M DEFINITELY GONNA DIE.
I AM DEFINITELY GONNA DIE!
OH, GOD! OH! - DAD?
- SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
SHUT UP. HOW DO YOU KNOW CPR?
WHY DO YOU KNOW CPR? THIS KID'S A COP!
- DAD? - THIS KID IS A COP!
[birds chirping]
- WE DON'T KNOW HOW HE'LL REACT,
BUT REMEMBER, YOU LITERALLY COULD BE SAVING HIS LIFE.
SO IT'S IMPORTANT EVERYONE IS HERE AND--
- OH, MY--OKAY. - OH, WHAT IS THIS?
OH, IS THIS AN INTERVENTION?
ALWAYS A FAST LEARNER, I WAS PROUD TO SEE
I HAD GONE FROM FUMBLED SNORTING TO OVERDOSE
TO FAMILY INTERVENTION IN RECORD TIME.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, PUT YOUR LETTERS AWAY.
I CAN SAVE YOU SOME TIME. NO, NO, NO.
I'VE BEEN A MONSTER, RIGHT?
EVERYBODY'S GONNA SAY THAT, RIGHT?
I'VE BEEN A REAL TERRIBLE DAD. I LET YOU DOWN.
I'VE BEEN A HORRIBLE SON-IN-LAW.
I'VE BEEN A REAL DISAPPOINTMENT AS A DOG OWNER.
I'VE BEEN SUCH A BAD NEIGHBOR.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID TO THESE GUYS.
WHO CARES? LET'S GO TO REHAB!
I CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO REHAB!
COME ON, TOM, HURRY UP!
I DON'T NEED ANYTHING.
LET'S JUST GO! LET'S JUST GO!
- I-I GUESS I SHOULD GO TOO. - OKAY.
- SORRY.
- WELL, I'M GONNA READ MY SPEECH.
I WORKED HARD ON IT.
"IN THE WORDS OF GRANDMASTER FLASH,
"YOU GOING HIGH ON THAT COCAINE.
YOU GOING CRAZY LIKE A COCAINE TRAIN."
- WHEN I GET BACK FROM REHAB,
I'LL PROBABLY SAY COCAINE IS TERRIBLE,
BUT DON'T BELIEVE ME. COCAINE IS AMAZING!
I GIVE IT A MILLION STARS!
DO NOT BELIEVE THE GUY IN THE STUDIO
WHO TRIES TO TELL YOU IT'S TERRIBLE.
- [sobbing] - THAT GUY IS A LIAR!