-You know, these days,
let's be honest,
the news stinks -- it's either
terrifying or depressing
or terrifyingly depressing --
but, every once in a while,
there's a story that makes me feel great
and I'd like to tell you about one now,
in a segment called "The Kind of Story We Need Right Now."
[ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪
-This is Eugene Bozzi.
Eugene was relaxing at home recently
when a six-foot-long alligator wandered onto his lawn,
so he did what any normal person would do --
he caught the alligator
in a trash can.
[ Laughter ] Take a look.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-Ooh! [ Laughter ]
-Right there. Dih dih dih dih.
The head's in. The head's in.
-Oh! Honey, yes! -Ooh, he biting.
-Aah! [ Laughter ]
[Bleep]
[ Laughter ]
-Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
-Oh! -Go, go, go, go!
[Bleep] Go, go, go!
[ Cheering and applause ]
-This is the kind of story we need right now.
Between wildfires and floods
and Shakira's wild boar attack,
[ Laughter ] nature's been kicking our asses lately,
but not this time.
[ Laughter ] This time, Eugene Bozzi kicked nature's ass,
and then, he threw it in the garbage!
Let's see it one more time.
-Oh, oh, he got it.
[Bleep] [Bleep]
-What a badass! Not only because
he wrestled an alligator and lived,
but also because he did the whole thing
in flip-flops, flip-flops! [ Laughter and applause ]
Nothing safe happens in flip-flops.
I won't wear flip-flops to drive.
Meanwhile, Eugene's wearing them to do this.
-He's biting.
-Aah! -[Bleep]
[ Laughter ] -Two things I learned
about Eugene from this clip.
One, he's fearless and prioritizes comfort.
You're probably wondering
how Eugene got brave enough to go ahead --
go head-to-head -- excuse me -- with an alligator.
Well, in an interview, he said that,
when he saw the animal, his...
[ Laughter ] ...which explains this new ad for the Army.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Eugene also said he watches
a lot of Animal Planet videos
and that he grabbed the trash can and put it on its side
because he thought the alligator would...
[ Laughter ] I don't want a lot of Animal Planet,
but it's nice to know that alligators are stupid.
[ Laughter ] They've been on Earth since dinosaur times
and they still can't tell the difference
between this and this?
[ Laughter ]
So, once the alligator was inside the trash can,
what did Eugene do, high-five himself, take a bow?
No, he wheeled the alligator across the street
to a nearby pond and released it back into the wild.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-Ooh!
-[ Speaks indistinctly ]
You let it go [indistinct] run.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-This is the kind of story we need right --
Most Americans won't wheel their recycling bins
down their driveway to recycle!
[ Laughter ] This man wheeled one across the street.
Also, did you see how fast he ran away?
[ Laughter ]
Just want to say one more time --
the man is wearing flip-flops!
[ Laughter and applause ] Now, now, you might be thinking,
"Isn't that alligator just going to come back?"
But remember, they're stupid.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Right now, he's telling every other alligator in that pond,
"Watch out for that house across the street.
A hippo lives there!"
[ Laughter ]
Also, if you're wondering why no one helped Eugene
catch that alligator, it's because every other person
in the neighborhood was busy filming him.
Look at that. [ Laughter ]
There are more angles on that
than a fight scene in "The Matrix."
[ Laughter ] Hey, but bad news for everyone in this photo.
If you're in it, it means we used one of our friends' angles.
[ Laughter ]
Now, you're probably thinking
that's where the story ends,
but I regret to inform you, it's not.
[ Laughter ] The alligator came back and ate Eugene.
I'm kidding. [ Laughter ]
[ Fresh laughter ]
Because, two weeks after this alligator incident,
Eugene posted a video of himself removing a snake from his house!
[ Laughter ] Which raises two questions --
one, how brave is this man? And two,
should he move?
[ Laughter ]
Look, there's a lot going on in this story,
so, I just want to leave you with two important takeaways.
If you encounter an alligator in real life,
please call animal control.
And, if you work at Animal Planet,
please give Eugene Bozzi his own show
[ Laughter ] because this is the kind of story we need right now.
[ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪