i'm a middle child and i was born
leaning in
for as long as i can remember i've had
this insatiable desire to compete to
accomplish and to prove myself
my energy isn't easily contained
and i've been called by both men and
women
intense
high octane
aggressive
these words don't feel like compliments
to me
i try to control my eagerness i try to
be softer
it's exhausting
the truth is this tough shell conceals
sensitivities and insecurities that only
those closest to me know
and yeah my masculine traits make me the
kind of gal that can hang with the guys
as long as i'm not their boss last
winter i was walking through a ski
resort and a man came up to me and said
excuse me are you with a husband or a
fiance
no
i said and i continued toward the lifts
and then curiosity got the better of me
and i turned around and asked the guy
why he wanted to know if i was with a
man
i'm selling time shares it's a real
estate thing
[Laughter]
and you don't sell to women
oh are you interested
no
but you do know women carry checkbooks
too
and at that he looked at me and said
wow lady you're tough
modern day sexism is different than it
was in the past when a blatant comment
about a woman's physique or a chummy pat
on the derriere was tolerated maybe even
accepted
today sexism can be more subtle
little nuances that might seem like no
big deal to some
but their impact can have the effect of
a thousand cuts
that day at the ski resort resulted in
more than just another microabrasion it
sparked a curiosity in me about
perceptions that we have for women
versus men
i wanted to know why do we perceive
women differently when we assert
ourselves
so i did a little research and i came
across something just to make sure this
wasn't all in my mind
called the confidence likability dilemma
where women unlike men
are rarely perceived to be both
competent and likable now we should take
a moment to define the word likable
marian webster says likeable is having
qualities that bring about a favorable
regard pleasant or agreeable
the urban dictionary says likable an
adjective meaning pleasant or attractive
it describes something that is easy to
like
the sad truth is most of us don't find
strong competent women easy to like
in 2003 professor flynn at columbia
business school conducted an experiment
he took a case study about heidi rosen a
successful female venture capitalist and
he changed the name to howard rosen
everything else about the case study
remained the same
he gave half of his class the heidi
royson case study and the other half the
howard royson case study and he asked
his students to rate how competent and
how likable heidi and howard were
both female and male students found
heidi and howard to be equally competent
but the students tended not to like
heidi
they thought that she was a little too
aggressive and out for herself
neither female nor male students wanted
to work for or hire heidi but they all
thought howard would make a great
colleague
why
because in our society
women are penalized when we behave in
ways that violate gender norms
our gender stereotypes show that women
should be kind
nurturing
helpful
supportive deferential
while traditionally men are expected to
be decisive
competent assertive and strong
so the dilemma for women is that the
qualities which we value in leadership
such as assertiveness and decisiveness
go against societal norms of what it is
to be a likable woman
i'm a documentary filmmaker so i'm
nothing if not curious
but i've learned that being inquisitive
is not an admired female trait i was at
a cocktail party last week and i asked a
man what line of business he was in
fintech
he said
curious i dug a little deeper oh what
type
it's complicated
end of discussion
okay now it's possible that he wanted to
spare me some long explanation
but it's more likely that his bias
implicit or not
informed him that as a woman i wouldn't
understand finance
either way i'm fairly certain he
wouldn't have said
is complicated had i been a man
i absorbed the sting of one more cut
most of us are not aware of why we don't
find strong women likeable just
something about her that bugs us
but deep inside at the root of this
is an unconscious bias
bias is a survival heuristic that we
inherited from our ancestors the problem
is it's unconscious and as humans we
don't have the ability to recognize when
we're being biased even if we can see it
in other people
we all most of us anyway believe
ourselves to be fair open-minded and
unbiased
and yet i will admit i too found
hillary's voice to be shrill
as long as society continues to
associate leadership with masculine
traits
female leaders will be judged more
harshly even when they outperform male
counterparts
so it's no wonder that in the united
states female politicians suffer greatly
as our elections tend to value
likeability over competency
women hold only 25 of the seats in
congress
the confidence likability dilemma has
huge consequences not just in politics
but also in education and in the
workplace where studies show that women
in meetings with both genders are less
likely to contribute knowledge as women
we're told to lean in and yet there's
backlash when we do
a recent study shows that women are not
as good at men at negotiating for
themselves and yet women outperform men
when they negotiate on behalf of someone
else
this is because women who negotiate for
themselves
are perceived as selfish
and women who negotiate on behalf of
someone else are perceived to be helpful
and a helpful woman might be liked more
than a woman
who is assertive
but the helpful woman will not be
recognized as having what it takes to be
a successful leader
last week i was quoting my speaker fee
to a potential client and when i told
him the price he said to me
wow good for you that's a lot
isn't documentary filmmaking kind of
like your hobby
ouch
as humans we're limited to what we can
do to mitigate our biases
so even if we were able to say implement
a tool that would bring more women into
upper management it's highly likely that
we would still evaluate the performance
of those women with bias perceptions
clearly leadership and likability should
not be mutually exclusive for women or
for men
so how do we solve for this dilemma
i wish i could offer you a cure to
unconscious bias
i don't believe there is one
but we need to disrupt stereotypes
and redefine what it is to be a leader
and a woman
obviously this is a long-term solution
it could take generations but it's a
vital step
we need to speak up speak up when you
witness gender bias
question comments that are made about a
woman's appearance or personality rather
than her skills or ability
and we need to slow down
question yourself reconsider
your snap judgments
ask yourself
does that woman bug me for reasons that
really matter
and forget about likability
ladies women if you can
instead focus on being awesome
be a smart compassionate effective
leader that will redefine the stereotype
of what a female leader is
i've wasted a lot of time worrying about
how i am perceived
if i ask a lot of questions
will you find me combative
if i tell you about an accomplishment
i'm proud of
you might think i'm conceited
but i need
and seek the approval and recognition
of my family
of my friends
and of my colleagues
like many of you i want to be liked
and i'm hopeful for the day when women
can be recognized as being
competent and likable
a day when we value each other
regardless of gender for the unique
contributions that we each bring to the
table
that will be the day that i won't have
to worry about being liked
i can just be me
thank you