G'day, A.J. Mahari here you know ancient here were you hooked in by a borderline it's the promise
of love that's like a drug now you're trying to survive the bpd relationship with the bp
relationship breakup or little both are you not sure borderline hooks you in not consciously
but from the unconscious it's the trauma bond dynamics in play immediately unbeknownst to the
person with bpd and the codependent when you are being hooked in by a borderline you don't
know it but it is the false promise of a quote love unquote that they don't have to
give and they can't receive the potential and the promise of love though it isn't really love at all
but love like a drug that comes to those with codependency whether they realize it or not
they have codependency this love this promise of love like a drug comes on to you comes to
you you are hooked by it because you have a predisposition to needing to be heard and seen
this is the beginning unconsciously for the person with bpd and in the unconscious of the
person's codependency of the trauma bond dynamics because these relationships where people with
codependency become trauma-bonded addiction cycles of intermittent reinforcement and a
hell that feels impossible to escape as you lose more and more of yourself a self that unbeknownst
to you you didn't know as well as you thought you did and a cell that had this predisposition
of vulnerability from the childhood woundedness that remained in your unconscious mind repressed
in an unconscious emotional landscape of pain and vulnerability and unmet needs that you had no idea
about that is the cause of codependency your inner child like a different kind of shadow cell driving
your motivation driving the addiction driving the trauma bond dynamics while you as an adult in your
conscious awareness have no idea of that and you think you're actually trying to enable rescue fix
somebody with bpd because that's going to make it all okay for you but you can't do it and
even if you could it wouldn't make it all okay for you hooked by a borderline because you were
predisposed to be hooked by a borderline due to having codependency as soon as the first mood or
energy shift happens the first devaluation which might not be the major or the last by any means as
soon as that devaluation starts to happen and you start to wonder what's going on with this person
because like they're not exactly who i thought they were and the more that that gets entrenched
and the more you experience and re-experience the trauma-bonded cycles of intermittent reinforcement
persons with bpd seemingly like they're back to who you thought they were
the more you are addicted and that addiction to the potential of love the drug of love is then
you the person with codependency chasing after not believing not knowing how to
accept suffering an incredible loss but maybe not willing to even go there yet so you continue
in this addictive way to be addicted to the cycles of abuse of the borderline the devaluation
that them not being who they were oh maybe they are a little bit now the good the bad
the cognitive dissonance of it all and this is what is so addicting about the trauma bond this
is what's so addicting because they're not really who you thought they were and then you continue
to want that drug of who you thought they were back and that's where the addiction
is super kicked in for people with codependency and it goes back to family abortion
not only woundedness and inner child etc but loss and you don't know what to do with this loss
because it's ongoing and you don't want to give up and you don't understand the interplay what's
going on in your unconscious in below your veil of consciousness what's going on in your internal
landscape emotional landscape so this only enhances the addiction to the potential of
the drug when the borderline hooks you in of quote love unquote what do you need to understand
about how you got hooked in by a borderline and what does that really mean well when somebody
gets hooked in it's like you're enjoying something so much that you're unable to stop
having it or being with the person or doing it and when people get hooked in by people with bpd
what's happening consciously is man is attracted to woman woman is attracted to man right
and it's like and then you start talking and wow so it's it's sped up it's super intense
there is a different feel about the way these relationships begin but some people don't
know anything about codependency or bpd and not knowing anything about bpd and codependency
doesn't mean that many people don't sort of feel something like a gut feeling that says
but there's something wrong here or this feels too good to be true or this seems too good to be true
often one of the biggest hooks people at bp aren't doing this on purpose by the way but one
of the biggest hooks is enjoying something so much that you're unable to stop it that's being hooked
what's the biggest hook definitely that intensity that hypersexuality that they're idealizing you
and that they show up in a sense when you meet them right you come together on a conscious level
of wow this feels great etc but what's going on in your unconscious mind and more to the point
the unconscious internal emotional landscape it's on a whole different level it's like you might not
know in the beginning or you might not have known in the beginning of the relationship with the
borderline and you got hooked in or you felt so hooked in because to be hooked in implies like an
addictive factor to something that you're enjoying something so much that you're unable to stop it
or you know feeling very strongly can't really think really straight feeling really strongly
hooked in this is so wonderful then you don't really pay attention to your gut instincts or
they're overridden by your emotions and so it's an addictive kind of process
in the beginning where people were getting hooked in by the borderline because you have
codependency but you might have not known that in the beginning and so the thing about that is
yes you're attracted as a male or female to a male or a female or the opposite yeah which
whoever you're attracted to that's what's going on consciously right but it's what's going on
in your consciousness that unknown factor of your internal emotional landscape the wounded
inner child and the interplay of all these dynamics coming together right at the same time
but you're focused on the part that you're hooked in by the borderline because you're enjoying
something so much you're unable to stop it you can't think straight it feels so great and people
override sometimes people say i had this weird gut instinct i had this feeling something was
off but you're hooked it's like quote almost like immediate addiction the intensity and the fact
that people with codependency who may not know this you have a voracious emotional hunger to be
seen and be heard and boom here it is you know in the beginning there it is idealization mirroring
you and people of bpd have codependency as well so they're called fantasy they're people pleasing
everything is about you are fantastic and you know that along with the sex is just fantastic
so who isn't going to want to go there right it's like wow i've been waiting for this all my life
which might not be so much in the here now of like the conscious what you're aware of is happening
but the unconscious awareness of that wounded inner it wounded inner child so people get hooked
in by people with bpd but people aren't doing that intentionally because people people with bpd have
a whole lot going on and their unconscious and in more the point they're unconscious emotional
landscapes and so this becomes that unhealthy bonded hook with those dynamics right in the
beginning and that's why i referred to this before as an unconscious setup but the bottom line is
when you are hooked by the borderline what you need to think about now and you might not have
understood at all prior what you need to think about now is that you got hooked into what you've
been longing for aside from the adult the relating and you know physical intimacy etc you got hooked
into in an unconscious way that ego boost that that hey like i see you i i think you're great
like that people with codependency have maybe never even experienced once in their life before
you know in that sort of really intense and fast kind of relationship smacking together way
and that is i would say in an unconscious level like that's like a dream for a codependent if only
what it seems like in the beginning is what it really was right so this is how you get hooked in
and you need to understand that and why is that important because if you understand that there
was something consciously happening but there was something in the unconscious happening
something happening deep within your emotional landscape that you didn't understand and you
might still be trying to figure out or maybe you haven't had therapy yet maybe as a starter
process for codependency recovery and healing from these relationships so why do so many people with
codependency get hooked by so many people with bpd hooked in right because there is already this
addictive factor for people with codependency of what you need and what you haven't got in your own
life emotionally speaking and then once you get into it you're off to the races and and for as
long as the idealization and the honeymoon phase lasts wow i mean that's a ride that's fantastic
if only that was really the way it was and that's why i also say these relationships are unconscious
setups on both parties part from the beginning and then as they start and you're hooked in by the
borderline right but the borderline is also hooked in by you because of the dance of codependency so
with all the other moving pieces of this and people with bpd and what that means but they have
codependency too this is where the codependent meets the codependent but then there's also the
borderline hypersexuality in many cases but the intensity everything to do with being attracted to
someone that you want to date get to know and you want to have a relationship you're looking
to have a family etc many people with codependency have love addiction which is not to be confused
with sex addiction which i'm going to be talking about coming sometime soon so getting hooked in
by a person with bpd doesn't mean they did something intentionally to do that to you
more to the point when people with codependency need to take responsibility for is why were you
that susceptible to needing to feel something that intensely that strongly
and that incredibly wonderful right like everybody likes incredibly wonderful
but when that one it's not really true right not when it's not really going to last so
enjoying something so much having a voracious hunger and need for something emotionally so
much that you might not be consciously aware of is the how you get hooked in and so quickly
and so what can you do with that now when you're trying to survive the relationship or the
relationship breakup well it goes back to things i'm saying in other you know audios videos and
on my podcast it's that you need to get into therapy to heal the codependency family of
origin work inner child healing work there are many other pieces to that healing and recovery
process along with finding more about yourself and the relationship recovery and understanding
the trauma bond dynamics that you got swept up into pretty much instantly and why why are people
with who don't realize they have pluto tendency might never have heard of borderline personality
and this contributes right but you just get so hooked in so quickly and and the reason
that well and the how that's the how really i don't wanna i wanna stay away from why
the how of it all is really because you are that susceptible based on childhood adverse
experience to trauma and so if you feel like you were hooked in by a borderline just know
they weren't doing it purposefully consciously aware of what they were doing and
at some point if that angers you right now et cetera that's fine but at some point
you're going to have to radically accept that because you need to shift the focus back to you
wherever you are on this journey right wherever you are in this experience
people with codependency need to shift the focus back to themselves get into therapy
start doing that healing recovery work from codependency in the relationship or some people
i like i'm out here to work with you if i resonate with you but some people start this process
while they're still in the whole sort of like confusion and not knowing what's going on um
and and still in the relationship or still wanting that person with bp that ghosted them to come back
or trying to sell through bruce uber i mean people don't always have it all figured out you know and
i get lots of clients who come to me in that sort of like all confused mixed up but very painful
place of having been hooked in to a relationship to something that you so wanted for ever in your
life no not the actual adult part of it and and and the wonderful sex and the idealization phase
but you wanted to be seen and heard and validated and people with codependency need to work this
out and understand where it's coming from inside after the fact after the too good to be true
you know the splits happen which doesn't mean everybody with bpd ghosts and discards
some people have to break up with people with bpd still because they're not all the same
but this is how you got hooked in this is why and this is what's important to understand about
how you were susceptible to that in the first place and start focusing on what that means for
what happened in your childhood and your family of origin and what i'm always talking about
and and the focus needs to shift from what the borderline did or all of the things the borderline
did or did they do that to me on purpose etc to codependent personal responsibility taking
not for what the borderline did or any abuse or any of that but for the fact that this this
relationship that you are in still or out of or not sure and you got hooked in by the borderline
you have a part in that people with codependency have to look at their part the more you focus on
the borderline the more you're increasing your own pain your own rumination and it means you're not
done and nobody just gets done but you need to get into active therapy process to be working your way
through and to be focusing or learn and learn how to focus on yourself more to take care of yourself
you