Welcome to The Late Show I'm your host Stephen Colbert and if you didn't pay attention
folks to uh it's been kind of a weird couple of weeks because the news just keeps chewing
its own cud there's another not interested they're interesting but the same story is
over and over again for instance every night for like the last week right I've been talking about
New York Congressman George Santos seen here yeah seen here showing off your grandpa's watch
but I'm not going to talk about George Santos tonight I'm going to talk about Anthony divulger
that guy should not be in Congress
and don't take my word for it just ask his former roommate Gregory Maury Parker can you
imagine being roommates with George Santos uh sorry Gregory I don't have my share of the rent
yet I needed to use that money to pay for my mom's third funeral it uh it just won't take
according to his former roomie Santos had some problems with the truth he lied about
his family having a home on you know on Nantucket and the cape his mother was
um a housekeeper and in Manhattan and it just didn't seem feasible for him
supposedly to to come from all this uh generational wealth okay that makes sense
but what if the money came from his dad the famous man from Nantucket foreign [Applause]
was so long he could you know people pay a lot of money to see that Maury Parker has always
been suspicious of Santos but started to doubt himself when Santos won his recent election but
then I thought well maybe I was wrong you know after the election um because I'm sure the D
Triple C you know and the RNC would have you know investigated him and at least his opponent would
have done some up research that's a good point all of this info was online did the D Triple C lose
Wi-Fi for an entire year and have to go analog huh nothing about George Santos and the Britannica
let's check the Farmer's Almanac [Applause] now to be clear Maury Parker never had any problems with
George Santos because he never knew anybody named George Santos I've always known him as Anthony
devalder I've never known him as George Santos I also knew him as Anthony zabrovski yes you know
him as devalder or zabrovsky but this trickster is known by many names the Norse called him lokai
in West Africa he is a Nancy this fighter to the Navajo is coyote and the ancient Mayans called
him that lying asshat one of his Catholics what do you speak mine I didn't know that
one of this Catholic politician's most famous
lies so far is that he claimed he was Jewish or as he tried to explain well
now his roommate tells us one of the reasons he claimed to be Jewish it was to Aid his sham
charity he had a bad charity friends of pets United uh it was supposedly to help out with
you know sick animals and things like that he used zabrovsky for his friends of pets United his
um uh it's GoFundMe and he would say oh well you know the Jews will give
more if you're a Jew so not only is he a liar he's anti-semitish
so what is this charity Santos raised money for something called the friends of pets United but
no surprise the IRS has no records of a charity with that name okay but have they checked for
friends of pets to volder the particulars of what Santos did with this fake charity are pretty bad
but don't worry they get worse buckle up because allegedly one of Santos victims was a disabled
veteran who was taking care of his beloved service dog and they were living in a tent on the side of
a highway the dog needed surgery but it was going to be expensive so the veteran got in touch with
Santos's charity Santos set up a GoFundMe for the dog surgery but when it reached three thousand
dollars he closed it and became increasingly difficult to contact even though the vet kept
calling Santos on the number Santos gave him eight hundred five eight eight two three hundred Empire
well there it goes thank you I trained for a while I trained for a while
and yet somehow this gets worse because when the veteran finally got a hold of Santos to schedule
his dog's surgery Santos refused to give him any of the donations saying he would take the money
and use it for other dogs yes other dogs like Max and Skipper and Rover de volder when he heard this
sure 805 a day when he heard this even Kevin McCarthy said that's it George Santos has got
to go sit on two house committees small business and science well those two make
sense I mean Santo said he has a degree from the Bill Nye school at the Shark Tank Academy
of business science he even played for their volleyball team the fighting Barbara cochranes
Santos is not the only cuckoo dum dum who snagged a committee seat because Marjorie
Taylor green will be seated Homeland Security committee where she'll finally be able to
investigate the gazpacho police as well as the Campbell's Chunky style border patrol
and now for a more fun lighthearted topic House Republicans are preparing an emergency plan for
breaching the debt limit okay breaching the debt ceiling is a complicated topic
and I don't want to get too technical so all you need to know is ah [Applause]
ah okay here's the thing the United States we borrow a lot of money from a lot of people and
the United States has to pay its bills not just because it's in the Constitution but because we
are in deep with some serious people that's why the old poster goes I want you to pay our bills
or they're going to take my thumbs Charlie so what does the GOP what does the GOP want in
return for not shooting the world economy in the head well reportedly some Republicans plan to ask
for spending reductions to entitlement programs such as Medicare and Social Security really
yeah that's what I said they want to cut two of the most popular government programs in history
well I guess that'll free up money for their new initiative drowning kittens and slapping your mom
last Friday last Friday's last Friday last Friday treasury secretary Janet Yellen wrote
to house Speaker Kevin McCarthy warning that the U.S will reach the debt limit on Thursday
January 19th 2023 well 2023 that's got to be years in the future when is that Apple watch
yes
thank you if in fact we reached the debt limit tomorrow which is like in 10 minutes
at this point treasury secretary Yellen says they'll Shuffle some money and do some economy
stuff and we won't actually default until early June so metaphorically tomorrow the GP GOP will
merely tie the U.S economy to the tracks in the path of a very slow moving train luckily that's
Joe Biden's favorite vehicle and his only speed [Applause] okay elsewhere elsewhere in the cycle
I got a time to work don't worry about me man there's controversy in America's frozen food
aisle Alaska last September Alaska was hit with a major typhoon which caused flooding and wind
damage FEMA came into help like they do just one problem there's a large native population that
speaks their indigenous languages in Alaska and FEMA's translations of this important
information was just a hair completely wrong for instance when native people try to get paperwork
on disaster relief Aid the instructions had phrases like your husband is a polar bear skinny
that is either confusing nonsense words or gen Z slang I haven't caught up with yet
your husband is a polar bear skinny No Cap fan big slay boots down the house Mama drip
beats the house down house there you go obviously people need accurate information
in an emergency you don't want to be trapped in a raging Inferno and be told to stop drop
and chubby narwhal [Laughter] turns out these weird and insulting translations were done for
FEMA by an outside company and I'm being told we have an image of the company's CEO
my guests are Trevor Noah and Stephanie Shu stick around
[Applause] [Music]