when I was at university my favorite
perfume was poison it made me feel
drop-dead gorgeous it was this sumptuous
mix of fruit and spices like Christmas
markets and warm mince pies in a bottle
for me fragrances evoke memories scented
gel pens colored my childhood who else
collected the entire set only to find
that they all just smelt of sweet my
teenage years were awash with shower
gels and their glorious array of aromas
tropical paradise Saharan sands banana
bonanza you know the sort of thing I
defined my mum who had always been wary
of overly scented products on certain
areas of your skin we all know where
they are nowadays I'm that person you
probably run into regularly or perhaps
you yourself are one of my kind - we are
the ones looter in the scented candle
aisle inhaling every single different
smell one at a time
terrified that we might overlook a
life-changing odour trying to achieve
that drop-dead gorgeous nice I had
marinated myself in poison there perfume
and who's now sitting in a coffee shop
nervously breathing in overpowering
amounts of fragrant pheromones yes I was
here to attract a mate my strategy was
to arrive early so that I have
stablished my territory and he had to
seek me out we were due to meet at 11:00
a.m. and by 10:45 I had already nimbly
negotiated a flight of stairs while
wearing tottering lee high heels and
confidently pulled out a chair at a
nearby table unfortunately for me it was
only after I had elegantly seated myself
that I realized I'd become the unwanted
guest at a table already occupied
by 2:00 now very confused pensioners
this is why you arrive early 15 minutes
later and I became aware of my date
moving in on my patch I sprang to my
feet and launched my attack throwing my
arms around him and gabbling about how
thankful it was to meet him at last I
felt him tense and draw away
worryingly he didn't seem quite so
pleased to meet me at last the coffee
shop assistant who had now released
himself from my unexpected bear hug
cleared the table as fast as he could
and retreated back down the stairs
awkward cringing I drew in another long
drag of my perfume
this time wishing it really was poison
while moaning oh kill me now
that is when I hear hi you must be firm
and I do what we all do in this
situation assuming other people do get
into this situation so there I was once
again sitting opposite a complete
stranger and I couldn't even tell if he
looked anything like his pictures online
dating had seemed like such a good idea
dipping my toe in the water I done what
most people do when trying to sell
themselves
I'd never lied I just left out a detail
here or there
well to be more precise one minor detail
the fact that I am blind I hated not
telling them but what if I did and I was
rejected outright who would choose
damaged goods when there's so much
perfection on offer would my disability
be something my dates could ever accept
more to the point since I was hiding it
was it something I could accept about
myself can you relate to that feeling do
you have something about yourself
you can't always accept there's a lot of
advice out there on self-acceptance
take a look at this for example if deep
within us we are ever to experience
personal fulfillment and peace of mind
we must first rise to the challenge of
complete unqualified self-acceptance oh
as every wise man and his mother says no
one will accept you until you accept
yourself well isn't it wonderful when
you think you've out psyched the
psychologists and out philosophize the
philosophers I thought I'd done just
that while still struggling to pursue
self-acceptance someone began pursuing
me again we met online but unlike all of
my one-off dates this guy had gone in
for date two and date three and date
four I still remember the lump in my
throat
the prickling of tears in my eyes as I
explained my site loss to him and then
the warm reassuring touch of his hand in
mine let me be clear there was no way
that I had accepted my disability
unconditionally but somebody else did
what I hadn't realized then was that
meeting a man who accepted me was only
the beginning
six months later and I was back on the
poison this time it wasn't for a first
date I had my boyfriend and I was going
to spend the weekend with his family
over the past six months I'd stopped
thinking so much about being blind and
started feeling that unconditional
self-acceptance was within my grasp not
because somebody else had accepted me
but because I had begun to accept myself
so perfumed and dressed to impress I
chatted excitedly to my boyfriend as we
walked to his parents house hand-in-hand
the perfect couple
I must admit I was feeling rather
smug bin his phone rang I heard arguing
shouting and I knew something wasn't
right
terrified I demanded to know what was
going on that was when he told me the
truth we were outside their house but
they didn't want me in it why they don't
want you in there
because you can't see it soon became
clear that their house was not the only
thing they didn't want me in they didn't
want me in their lives in their
conversations there you didn't want me
to exist as far as they were concerned
in other words I was completely and
utterly rejected simply for the fact
that I was born blind no other reason
people often think that must have been
the worst thing that has ever happened
in my love life it's far from it however
I was instantly back to square one
hating the fact I couldn't see wishing I
could be anyone but me what right did I
have to expect other people to accept me
when I didn't even do that myself I was
still a million miles off the
unconditional self-acceptance I thought
I'd been so close to reaching but while
there was an insidious part of me which
wondered whether perhaps I deserved this
treatment it was so shocking so extreme
so blatantly prejudiced that even I knew
deep down I was not to blame the same
could not be said for my online dating
relationships which followed I'm sure
most of you will have heard of the term
ghosting where someone you thought you
were having a good relationship with
suddenly and without warning stops
communication with you it can go a
little something like this 15th of
October 10:15 p.m. looking forward to
seeing you at the weekend
free all day Sunday want to come to mine
wink emoji kiss 17th of October 5:30
p.m. or I could make Saturday I could
come to you if it's easier kiss kiss
17th of October 11:45 p.m. I could meet
you anywhere anytime over the weekend
please let me know 25th of October 1
a.m. if I don't hear from you I will be
forced to assume you have either lost
your phone been taken into hospitals or
if it's the peak in the busiest period
of your life so far Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss
Kiss it seems like a trivial matter but
then why does it hurt us so much a
couple of years later I thought I had
met someone very special one day we
seemed close the next silence and the
next and the next
being ghosted and completely cut off
from someone was far worse for me this
rejection had no resign knew of and I
had no way of asking and so I launched a
lethal attack on myself guilt upon
regret upon rejection upon heartbreak is
a fatal cocktail it is one I have drunk
many times before and it very nearly
killed me more than once searching for
answers I devoured dating tips and
self-help sites and the fingers kept
pointing right back at me I was
suffering unbearably as a result of
someone else's behavior and yet I was
being told it was all my fault
and boy did I believe it I convinced
myself that no one would ever love me
because I didn't love myself and this
time I convinced myself it was something
I could and should have changed my
inability to accept myself had given
someone else permission to treat me
badly I was to blame
psychologists agree that ghosting is the
most emotionally damaging way a
relationship can end in fact according
to multiple scientific studies ghosting
activates the same neural pathways in
our brain as physical pain seeking some
form of closure
we are psychologically wired to question
and find answers inside ourselves and
you've been there that's when the
soul-searching begins you analyze every
reason you can possibly imagine for why
you weren't good enough what you said
what you did why it was perfectly
understandable for the other person's
like the way they did why this was all
your fault have you ever been told that
somebody else's bad behavior was somehow
your fault
we've all heard of victim blaming where
someone commits a terrible act and
implies in their defense that their
victim was asking for it they deserved
to be treated that way most of us would
agree that that premise is wrong and yet
a raft of philosophers psychologists
self-help and dating gurus feed us a
similar message a message has endured
the years Dostoevsky said if you want to
be respected by others the great thing
is to respect yourself only by that only
by self-respect will you compel others
to respect you Oh
to put it more succinctly Taylor Swift
said look what you made me do slowly but
surely through this drip effect we start
to feel that we are being treated badly
as a result of a Fault in ourselves so
what is this terrible fault of course we
have failed to achieve unconditional
self-acceptance after all others have no
reason to accept us if we don't accept
ourselves
others have no responsibility to treat
us with respect if we don't to respect
ourselves and ultimately if we are
rejected due to lack of self-respect
that rejection is our fault and we
deserve it here's the thing I wish
someone had explained to me self
acceptance is not the Enlightenment we
are led to believe it is we are told
that unconditional self-acceptance is
the ultimate goal a transcendent and
constant state which once reached cannot
be lost but I disagree
consider this if you're a parent who has
lost a baby
is it wrong to feel a wave of pain when
your friend announces that she is
pregnant if you're a child who has lost
a parent is it wrong to cry on a special
occasion when you wish they could be
there if you're blind
is it wrong to wish you could see when
someone posts on social media that they
have passed their driving test such
things will always find us we will never
completely accept them unconditional
self-acceptance is unattainable but
that's okay and that is not a reason for
anyone else to treat you with disrespect
their bad behavior is not your fault a
few years later I had plucked up the
courage to go on another online date I
distinctly remember picking up my
perfume and breathing in the heady aroma
but this time it really did smell like
poison to me it took me straight back to
those moments of self-doubt the constant
reminder that I could be instantly
broken at anytime just like me my
perfume stayed on the Shelf that day but
that wasn't the only difference by that
point my guide dog Nancy had come into
my life and she
wasn't very good at keeping secrets
pretending I had full sight wasn't
really an option anymore and so I made
the daunting decision to tell my dates
up front about my site you might think
this means I had finally accepted myself
except I also told them how hard it was
to share something I struggled with at
times this was when things got
interesting I found that when I was
brave enough to share my vulnerabilities
other people did the same
rather than lose their respect I gained
their trust it made me realize that
while there would always be some people
out there who might treat me with
disrespect those people are in the
minority and it is their characters I
should be scrutinizing rather than my
own now I understood that my quest for
unconditional self-acceptance is not
only unattainable but also unnecessary
in order to achieve personal fulfillment
and respect from others and this is true
for each and every one of us this is not
to say that we are destined to spend our
lives consumed by our inner demons but
when circumstances encourage those
demons to rear their heads we should not
feel as though we have failed and should
be faultless all today I am wearing my
favorite perfume again do you have
something in your life which you
associate with a situation or an
experience you can't always accept a
piece of clothing which reminds you of
someone you miss a special song which
makes you think of a lost love a certain
scent which takes you back to a poignant
point in your life if you don't create
one for yourself and build a strong
association with something which will
remind you of this important message
whenever you need it the most and then
when those moments of shame pain and
blame find you huh get close turn it up
breathe it in and know that you do not
need unconditional self-acceptance to
deserve respect from yourself or anyone
else in those moments think of me and my
perfume when I breathe in its fruity
spicy combination these days it still
reminds me that I can't see that I will
never drive and even that one day when I
get married I will not be able to see my
fiance's face at the other end of the
aisle but I am good at ease inside
myself I wear my perfume proudly now
because I know it's okay to have
something I will never unconditionally
accept I know it's not okay for somebody
to lose respect for me because of that
so hug it close turn it up breathe it in
what's it gonna be for you what's your
poison
[Applause]
[Music]
you