>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT WAS ONE OF THE
BIGGEST AND MOST CONTROVERSIAL COMEDIANS OF THE 80s AND THE
90s.
HE IS BACK STARRING AS HIMSELF IN CANNED D "DICE" ON SHOWTIME.
PLEASE WELCOME ANDREW DICE CLAY.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> THIS IS GREAT.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
BOY, I LIKE THE OUTFIT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, YOU'RE STILL DICING IT
UP.
>> WELL, THIS IS WHAT I DO.
>> Stephen: YOU STILL DO IT VERY WELL.
>> THIS IS WHAT I DO.
>> Stephen: YOU STILL HAVE THE FINGERLESS GLOVES FROM THE
80s.
>> OF COURSE,.
>> Stephen: YOU STOLE THAT VEST FROM ADAM ANT.
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
THE HAIR IS GRAY BUT YOU STILL HAVE THE SAME VIBE, MAN.
>> THAT'S WHAT I DO.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A BIG COMEBACK WHEN YOU WERE CAST IN
"ENTOURAGE."
YOU WERE IN REQUESTED BLUE JASMINE" TO GREAT REVIEWS.
>> WHY ARE YOU READING IT I KNOW WHAT I'VE DONE.
>> Stephen: BUT THESE PEOPLE DON'T.
"DICE" NOW ON SHOWTIME.
WHAT'S SUCCESS LIKE NOW AS COMPARED TO YOUR METEORIC RISE
TO FAME 20 YEARS AGO.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WENT THROUGH A LOT OF CONTROVERSY YEARS AGO BECAUSE I
WAS THE FIRST COMIC TO FILL 20,000 SEATS A NIGHT SO I HAD TO
DEAL A LOT WITH THE MEDIA BACK THEN, NOT UNDERSTANDING THAT IT
IS ALL A BIG JOKE, THAT THESE ARE JUST JOKES I DO.
YOU KNOW -- >> Stephen: GETTING IN TROUBLE
FOR TELLING JOKES, WHAT IS THAT LIKE, ANDREW DICE CLAY?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE?
THEY NEVER SAW A COMTHEY CAN COULD DO, YOU KNOW, 100,000
PEOPLE A WEEK, WHICH IS WHAT I WAS DOING.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
>> BUT I GOT -- >> Stephen: LIKE, WHAT KIND OF
ARENAS WERE YOU FILLING?
>> IN NEW YORK, MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, NASSAU COLISEUM, THE
MEADOW LANDS.
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE YOU, THE STONES, AND THE WHO IN THE SAME
LOCALE.
>> IT WAS A VERY EXCITING TIME BUT A VERY STRESSFUL TIME.
I THINK THIS TIME I'M ENJOYING FAME A LOT MORE.
I'M GETTING TO DO WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO, ACT, AND THINGS
LIKE VINYL FOR SCORSESE.
MY SHOW RUNNER HERE SCOTT ARMSTRONG FROM "DICE."
AND THE REASON I LOVE "DICE" IS I GET TO BE SELF-DEPRECATING.
YOU KNOW, I GET TO MAKE FUN OF MYSELF.
AND SCOTT MAKES SURE TO IT.
AND HE'S ONE OF THE BEST, MOVIES LIKE "OLD SCHOOL" "HANGOVER 2."
AND IT'S LIKE, ALL RIGHT, WE HEAR YOUR IDEAS.
NOW LET US DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.
>> Stephen: WHAT WERE SOME OF THE THINGS YOU GOT MOST IN
TROUBLE FOR, THINGS THAT PEOPLE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND?
>> YOU KNOW, BUT THAT'S WHAT-- YOU KNOW, THERE'S A DRAMATIC
SHOW TONIGHT WHERE YOU DID AT THE BEGINNING, IT'S HEAVY.
AND I DO-- YOU KNOW, WHEN I THINK OF TRUMP, I GO, "THIS GUY
STOLE MY WHOLE ACT TO BECOME PRESIDENT."
YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST-- YOU KNOW.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT.
>> BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS WHAT I DO IS AN ACT, AND WHEN YOU'RE
THE PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES, I HAVE TO AGREE-- WE
NEED TO STAY UNITED.
AND, YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY HAS TO OWN UP.
AND THIS IS WANT GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.
AND WHEN YOU HAVE-- ( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW, THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO OUT AND LIVE YOUR DREAM, THAT'S
AN INCREDIBLE THING, AND EVERYBODY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO
DO IT, AND IT SHOULD BE SAFE IN THE STREETS.
AND I COMPLETELY AGREE WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: WELL, DID YOU-- >> I GOTTA SAY IT, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: YEAH?
>> YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I KNOW DONALD FOR A LONG TIME.
>> Stephen: OH, YOU KNOW MR. TRUMP.
>> I DID "THE APRENTICE" AND HE BOOKED ME IN HIS HOTELS, AND
THAT'S ALL GOOD.
THAT'S ALL BUSINESS.
BUT WHEN YOU WANT TO RUN THE COUNTRY, YOU MAKE IT SAFE FOR
THE PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN THAT COUNTRY.
THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY-- A LOT OF--
>> IF I WAS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT-- IF I WAS RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> YOU KNOW, LIKE, REMEMBER WHEN HE HAD THOSE ARGUMENTS WITH
HILLARY, THOSE THREE ARGUMENT S.
>> Stephen: YOU MEAN THE DEBATES.
>> YEAH, WHEN THEY WERE FIGHTING.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THE DEBATES.
>> TO ME THEY WEREN'T DEBATES.
THEY WERE ARGUMENTS.
LIKE, IF I WAS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT I WOULD COME OUT AND
MAKE IT SIMPLE FOR PEOPLE.
I WOULD TELL THEM THINGS I COULD MAKE HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: LIKE WHAT.
>> LIKE, IF I'M PRESIDENT, NO MORE MONDAY.
( LAUGHTER ) NOBODY LIKES MONDAY.
LET'S GO RIGHT TO THE TUESDAY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
ARE WE DOUBLING DOWN, IS IT DOUBLE TUESDAY-- TWO SATURDAYS,
I LIKE THAT.
>> YOU GO TO WEDNESDAY.
NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT THURSDAY BECAUSE THE WEEKEND'S
COMING.
UN, THINGS THAT YOU COULD GET DONE, YOU KNOW
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU KNOW ALL THE BEST CALENDAR GUYS.
YOU GET THE BEAM POOEM ON IT.
YOU KNOW A GUY.
>> GREAT BAND, BY THE WAY.
>> Stephen: AMAZING BAND.
AMAZING BAND.
GREAT BAND.
>> MY, MY, MY SONS WHO ARE ON "DICE" WITH ME --
>> Stephen: YEAH, THEY'VE GOT A BAND, DON'T THEY?
>> THEY'VE GOT A BAND, STILL REBEL.
>> Stephen: STILL REBEL, THERE YOU GO.
THIS IS A PROP.
>> IT'S UP ON SPODDIFY.
THAT'S SURREAL, WORKING WITH MY OWN SONS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S SO NICE.
I WOULD LOVE TO WORK WITH MY SONS.
NOW, DID THEY CRY WHEN THEY WERE BAP TILESSED.
>> THEY CRIED BECAUSE THEY BOTH GOT THE BRIC THING, THE RABBI.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND, I WOULD CRY, TOO.
>> I'M STILL LOOKING FOR THE RABBI THAT DID ME.
I'M TELLING YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: ASKING FOR A REBATE?
ASKING FOR A REBATE.
>> IT'S NOT THAT BIG, BUT IT'S HEAVY.
IT'S GOT WEIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> Stephen: IT'S GOT GIRTH!
WE'RE TALKING GIRTH.
>> LISTEN TO ME.
WE'RE MEN.
ME AND YOU ARE MEN.
>> Stephen: MAN TO MAN.
MAN TO MAN!
>> WHEN I'M WALKING AROUND, IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE I'M DOING
SCHUGZ, THAT'S HOW HEAVY IT IS.
>> Stephen: SEE, THAT'S YOUR PLATFORM.
THAT'S YOUR PLATFORM.
"NOT THAT LONG, BUT, LORD, IT'S HEAVY."
I'D PUT THAT ON A LAWN SIGN.
ANDREW DICE CLAY, NICE TO SEE YOU.
SEASON TWO OF "DICE" PREMIERES THIS SUNDAY ON SHOWTIME.
ANDREW DICE CLAY, EVERYBODY.