This is Donkey Kong in three minutes.
Let's get donkey punched!
One time in 1981
an angry gorilla stole a princess
and fended off a short Italian guy.
That gorilla's name, Cranky Kong.
Mind blown, right?
Years pass, Cranky's grandson Donkey Kong wakes up
and goes downstairs to his Banana Hoard.
He discovers his treasure pile of golden potassium
has been stolen.
Desperate to have a god damn banana
Donkey Kong journeys all over the island
looking for his crocodile nemesis King K. Rool
who presumably has them.
With the help of his Kong family
and some not geographically appropriate animal pals
Donkey Kong makes it to K. Rool's pirate ship.
DK is met by K. Rool and his Kremling baddies.
DK and K. Rool fight it out in traditional jungle warfare.
Donkey Kong is victorious
and the Banana Hoard is filled
with yellow phalluses once again.
Time passes, King K. Rool
upset with being so easily thwarted
goes to DK's island and kidnaps him.
Diddy goes to Donkey's place
and finds a ransom note left by K. Rool.
K. Rool offers Donkey Kong back
in exchange for the Banana Hoard.
Okay, guys, the bananas cannot be that good.
Diddy ain't having that @#$%! and grabs his friend Dixie Kong
and the two leave in search for King K. Rool once again.
But this time, it's to rescue somebody
we actually care about and not some stupid bananas.
Diddy and Dixie travel to Crocodile Island
find K. Rool, and defeat him.
K. Rool releases Donkey Kong and escapes.
Soon after
Diddy and Dixie discover a secret area known
as The Lost World.
They find K. Rool hiding in Crocodile Core
in a hidden geyser at the heart of Crocodile Isle
in a log in a hole in the bottom of the sea.
They beat him once again.
K. Rool is sent hurtling into the geyser
plugging it up.
The geyser explodes
and Crocodile Isle is sunk into the bottom of the ocean.
Huzzah for destroying ecosystems.
The Kongs watch as K. Rool
makes his escape on a tiny sailboat.
Diddy and Dixie start dating.
Wait, aren't they related?
Ew!
One year later, Donkey and Diddy
go missing somewhere in the Northern Kremisphere.
Of course, they did.
Dixie gets worried and goes off in search of them
with her cousin Kiddy Kong.
They travel to Kastle KAOS.
A robot named KAOS
is thought to be the new leader of the Kremlings.
Dixie and Kiddy beat KAOS.
KAOS explodes and Donkey and Diddy pop out of the robot.
They learn that KAOS
was being controlled by King K. Rool
who now goes by the name Baron K. Roolenstein.
Dixie and Kiddy beat K. Roolenstein
but he escapes.
Dixie's and Kiddy's quest takes them
to the volcanic island of Krematoa.
They meet Boomer
an ex-member of the Brothers Bear
an organisation of bears in the Northern Kremisphere.
Boomer shows Dixie and Kiddy the way
to K. Roolenstein's personal submarine.
The Kongs find K. Roolenstein onboard
and battle him again, and he escapes again.
Oh, come on!
Shortly afterward
Dixie and Kiddy meet the Banana Bird Queen.
The Queen is tied
to a barrier controlled by K. Roolenstein.
The Queen tells the Kongs
if they can return her children to her
she'll personally take care of K. Roolenstein herself.
Dixie and Kiddy obviously agree.
Dixie and Kiddy rescue
the Bird Queen's children in the cave.
The Queen chases K. Roolenstein
who is trying escape in a hovercraft.
The Banana Bird Queen drops a giant egg shell on him.
K. Roolenstein is trapped inside.
The Kongs gather around the egg and repeatedly knock on it.
K. Roolenstein goes mad forever. Jesus, that's dark!