Hi, and in this video, I'm going to share with you three secrets
that men don't want you to know.
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Hi there, Mat Shaffer, your empowerment, connection, and relationship coach.
I'm a former attorney who's committed his life
to supporting you in finding this fun, fulfilling, dynamic
connections and relationships with men that you are so worthy of.
I'm really excited to dig into this topic.
Three secret things that men have around relationships with women
that they don't want you to know.
We're going to dive into it in just a second.
Before we do, take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click the link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training that is going to make a big difference
in your connections with men out in the world.
All right, let's dive right into this.
The first secret is that men are always looking at you
through mom-colored glasses.
What I mean by that is that our relationships with our moms
and who we experienced them to be as we're growing up,
sets a template of what we're attracted to, what we understand women to be,
and then what we understand our relationship to look like
between a man and a woman.
What we see and experience in our own relationships with our mothers
and in our relationship between our mother and our father
creates a really deep imprint that we often consciously or unconsciously
project and duplicate in our relationships with women throughout our lives,
especially unless we do some inner work.
In fact, most men are unconsciously just trying to recreate
the dynamics in relationship that they saw between their mother and father.
Whether it was positive or negative.
For example, if we had a great relationship with our mom growing up,
we're often going to be attracted to women who are like her,
women who have similar personality traits to her,
especially when it comes to emotional communication and affection
and that sort of stuff.
We might even be attracted to women who look a little bit like our mom.
I know it sounds weird, but it's very natural,
it's evolutionary, and it's a deeply ingrained thing.
Don't get creeped out by it.
On the other side, men who don't have a great relationship with their mom
are often going to actually be repelled by women who remind them of their mom
in either their personality or their appearance or in some other way.
For example, if their mom was very controlling,
and very tightly wound, especially with them,
they're often going to be attracted to very free-spirited women
and women who were very free flowing.
Also, the dynamics that a man had with his mother
can really play a role in how they show up in a relationship.
For example, if a man had a very nurturing, caring, loving, and open mother,
he's going to be probably much more vulnerable,
much more open to communicating about his feelings,
and he's going to feel much more confident in voicing what's in his heart with you.
If a man was more repressed or controlled or emotionally abused by his mother,
then he might be very shut down emotionally or even emotionally disconnected.
A lot of men who have a hard time connecting with their emotions with you
are men that were shamed for their emotions,
or were hurt because of their emotions by their parents,
and especially their mom when they were children.
Because for most men,
their mom is really their emotional model
or their emotional set point in their childhood.
Another way that emotional abuse can cause a man to show up
is say, for example, if a man was very controlled or abused
by his mother emotionally,
he might end up actually being very resentful
and controlling or manipulative in his own relationships
because at a subconscious level, he's trying to protect himself
from anything like that ever happening again.
He might not even be knowing it consciously,
but he'll definitely be doing it in his relationships with women.
A second secret that men don't want you to know
is that they are craving emotional safety and security from you.
I know that might sound a little strange, right?
Because for a lot of men, they tend to shy away from emotional vulnerability
or emotional expression with you,
but a lot of men hide that part of themselves and shut off that part of themselves
because they feel very scared about it.
For a lot of men, emotional vulnerability has been conditioned into them
to mean weakness, to mean a place where they can be hurt.
They may have had past relationships
where they were exploited or manipulated for their feelings
or by their parents as we just talked about in the last secret,
but at a deep level, men are craving a space,
a relationship,
a sanctuary where they can put down their walls and be vulnerable
and be in their heart and share who they are at an emotional level,
because it's not that men don't have feelings.
It's not that men don't feel heartbreak, frustration, anxiety, love, joy, despair.
We feel all those highs and lows,
but many of us have been trained to wall ourselves off from these feelings.
It's up to you in the relational container
to really invite and evoke a man to really feel safe enough to be vulnerable.
Because if a man doesn't feel safe, just like with you,
if a man doesn't feel safe, he's not going to open up.
He's not going to drop into his heart and feel safe being vulnerable with you.
Does that make sense?
How can you indicate and let a man know that you are a safe space
for him to be emotionally vulnerable and open with you
and that he can really count on you for emotional security?
Well, it starts off by you demonstrating
that you are wanting vulnerability by leading by example.
That's one of the most powerful ways that you can create a space
where vulnerability starts to feel safe is by you letting him know,
"Hey, this is a safe space for me to be vulnerable,
and I'm going to share with you what's in my heart."
I want you to ask yourself, are you leading by example?
Are you showing him that you want vulnerability by being yourself?
That's one of the biggest ways that you can create a space of safety for a man to do that.
Another great way for you to do this is by simply asking him questions.
"How did that make you feel?"
It doesn't always have to be a big, heavy question.
You can ask him how he's feeling about a movie,
or about a scene in a movie,
or about something that happened to him at work today
because a lot of times, men will share what's going on in their lives
in terms of the facts.
This happened and then that happened and then this happened,
and they'll give you the linear timeline of their day.
Well, how powerful would it be for you to be like,
"Oh, wow, that sounds like that was a really huge project that you had to deal with?
How did you feel when you were dealing with that?"
That might take him back a little bit because he might be like,
"Oh, okay, well--" Maybe he hadn't even thought about it,
but by you asking questions to get a man to speak into his feelings,
you're going to start giving him practice
around being emotional and being vulnerable.
Between leading by example and asking feeling questions,
you'll start cultivating a space where he speaking into his feelings
and sharing what's in his heart,
becomes something that's normal and comfortable for him.
The third secret that men don't want you to know,
and I hate to sell out my whole gender on this one,
is that men are reflexively checking out other women all the time.
All the time.
I'm saying men.
I'm not saying single men.
I'm saying all men.
That means if a man is in a relationship, if a man is married,
if a man is in love with his wife or with his girlfriend or whoever,
he's still going to check out other women.
I'm just saying it, I'm putting it out there.
Why does this happen?
Well, I truly feel that it is a reproductive impulse,
and I feel that every man as he sees another woman,
he makes a knee-jerk decision about her and her reproductive potential with him,
and I think it's evolutionary.
I think every man when he sees a woman, he makes an evaluation.
"Is this a woman that I would potentially be intimate with?"
He will make that just by doing a quick-- it'll be a glance.
I want you to understand
that this isn't something that men really have a lot of control over,
nor is this something that leads anything and has any sort of implication
towards his emotions or feelings towards you.
Just because a man checks out another woman,
whether or not it's even a woman that he would even normally be attracted to or not,
checking out a woman does not necessarily have anything to do
with whether he's attracted to her even or not.
Please, as long as it is just a knee-jerk, reflexive checkout,
don't take it personally that a man checks out another woman.
If he's doing long disrespectful stairs
and he's doing it in a way that clearly makes you feel uncomfortable
and makes you feel like he's actively evaluating her
as a potential partner or something,
then absolutely say something to him
because you are not supposed to be disrespected like that.
That's completely unacceptable, but by and large, let it go.
Don't take it personally if you catch your boyfriend or your husband
checking out other women, because all men do it, it's evolutionary.
There's no real thought involved 99% of the time,
and it has no bearing and no implication on your relationship with him
or his feelings towards you.
There you go, ladies, three secrets that men don't want you to know.
The first one is that they are always looking at you
through mom-colored glasses, whether they know it or not.
That's something that can really give you a lot of insight into what his patterns are,
whether or not he's open to vulnerability or not,
and even what he's attracted to
and the type of relationship that he's trying to create with you.
Asking him better questions about his mom
and really getting to the bottom of his relationship between his mother and father
will give you a ton of insight into the type of man he is
and the type of things that he's really drawn to in his connections with women.
The second secret is
that men are craving emotional stability and security and safety from you.
Just as you're craving physical safety from them and physical security,
we're craving the other side of that coin from you.
Ask yourself, are you creating a space for him to feel emotionally safe?
For him to be emotionally vulnerable?
Are you leading by example?
Are you asking him questions about his feelings
and inviting and evoking him
to speak into them with you in a safe, warm and curious way?
Lastly, men are checking out other women all the time
and it is a reflex and it is not inherently disrespectful
or meaning anything about you and your relationship with them.
Okay?
[chuckles] It is a byproduct of the way that we are wired.
It is something that all men do all the time.
It doesn't even mean that we're necessarily
attracted to the woman that we're checking out.
A lot of times, men will just check out a woman just because she's in front of them,
even if it's a woman that he wouldn't be attracted to.
Don't take it personally.
As long as it isn't a long disrespectful, sort of ogling stare,
especially in front of you,
do not take it as any reflection upon him or his feelings towards you
because it's almost certainly not that.
There you go.
Three secrets that men don't want you to know.
Don't tell them I told you.
Before you go, take a second, hit that little subscribe button
and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great content that's going to make a huge difference
in your relationships and connections with men.
Thanks so much for stopping by, and I'll see you in my next video.
Bye-bye.
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