PewDiePie: Ahhhh!
Okay, so I've been sick for a couple days.
I'm still sick.
Let's see what has happened while I was gone.
[reads on-screen] "U need to see jake paul's music video, he dissed u"
[Continues to read tweets aloud] Jake Paul dissed you~!
"Holy sh!t Jake Paul roasting Pewdiepie"
"Thats soooo lit (emojis)"
[PewDiePie Screams]
"U better watch out, team 10 is coming for you~ (emoji)"
PewDiePie: NOO!
[shaky breathing]
Not JP, not JP.
How bad is it?
HOW?
What did he say?
WHAT DID HE SAY IN HIS VIDEO?
JP: "5 Mil on YouTube in six months
Never done before
Passed all the competition, man, PewDiePie is next!"
PewDiePie: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
[lightly hits wall]
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AGHHHH, this makes me so angry!
I'm still sick, calm down Felix, ah that son of a bich. (Christia
I bet he's the one that poisoned me.
Oh, I bet it was JP all along.
That sleek son of a bich!
[grunts]
We haven't watched this whole thing yet!
We have to see the whole thing.
First of all who the f*ck is JP?
Who the f*ck Is Jake Paul?
I don't know.
I ha- he has fun, okay.
He eats food.
He's Dirk from Disney Channel!
Okay so he's a Disney Channel...
One of these Disney Channel actors, that's cool.
Can't be that bad.
Let's listen.
JP: Ya.
PewDiePie: Always appreciate a good "ya" at the beginning of a song, uh, for no reason.
[chuckles]
I'm going to- going to try not to pause every- every millisecond of this song, but...
JP: Ya.
PewDiePie: That is a good "ya." We have to appreciate that-
[stuttering] that's- that's a good-- that's a good "ya."
[music plays again]
[indistinguishable audio watermark]
PewDiePie: Is it the watermark? They didn't buy that loop?
PewDiePie: Like, you play some rap music right, that's free...
[different track]
[audio watermark]: "AudioJungle"
See? AudioJungle.
What the f*ck is it?
[indistinguishable audio watermark]
[Laughing]
[AUDIOJUNGLE]
PewDiePie: I'm glad, I'm glad we got the whole Disney Channel thing out of the way from the first fucking line.
[Laughing]
"Hey guys, in case you don't know,
"I'm on Disney Channel.
"How can I say that in a way that make sense--
"Uh, everyday bro, Disney Channel
FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!"
PewDiePie: He's saying... that I'm not his competition because he said he
passed all his competition which basically puts me-
Where does that put me, actually?
PewDiePie: I'm really confused. J-- JP, you're gonna have to
[Stuttering] re- re- re- re-it- iter- re-eter- itter -itur- ate?
REITERATE
it- [shakes hands aroound]
F*ck, I got the shakes again.
Goddamnit!
J.P. You son of a b*tch!
How DARE YOU?!
How DARE you use my name in the video!
HOW DARE YOU?!?
PewDiePie: That- it may sound here like that
his flow is all off, hey, it may s-
it may sound completely terrible. But really here, what
JP is doing is a new form of rapping, it's meant to sound like shit.
PewDiePie: [tries to wrap like JP]
"Yeah I'm talking about you, you begging
for attention, is this how you rap, you just say a bunch of words, and this
sounds totally wack, and, uh-- I swear I'm not on crack and I-- I just like to smack that
booty back, yeah and I'm talking about you."
PewDiePie: It's absolutely incredible,
this sort of rapping takes incredible skills; it takes intellect, it takes
talent, it takes years of grinding, years of training, years of preparation, it
takes talking sh!t on Twitter, it takes all kinds of sh- it takes so much shit-
[Pause]
and- and- and- Jake Paul will know because he eats food.
PewDiePie: I don't understand what the f*ck is happening here, is he talking about his ex or some
sh*t like that? Please- please let that- okay, I mean, it's-
it's genius! That's what it is, it's really-- did he make this just for this, is this
why I'm reacting to this? Because he argues with his girlfriend?
[Chuckles]
PewDiePie: Damn, damn, he goes-- J-- if JP breaks up
with you, he goes hard- "And all the recordings too!" It is-- that is lyrical--
mind blast. There's meaning behind every syllable, every line...
(Short pause)
...Every facial expression tells an incredible story!
PewDiePie: [Chuckle] "Oh, and by the way I just
dropped some new merch!!!"
[Sad pause]
Oh, he b*tches about his girlfriend for like-- for a couple
lines and then, "Oh, by the way, got new merch, it's selling like a 'god Church.'"
PewDiePie: What is a god Church?
Uhhhhh, it's the church with the God in it, what do you think?
Oh, what are you stupid? A "god Church," you never heard one of those?
It's selling like a "god Church."
I love how they clearly got stuck here.
"Hey, hey, okay, alright we got-- I dropped some new merch,
how it's selling like a-- what rhymes with merch?
Uhhhh, church, it's selling like a CHURCH!!"
PewDiePie: Legit like I wish that illness killed me now, I- I'm not
joking at all, I want to die, I want to I want to be dead now, I don't want to--
I don't want to, no, no-- I don't want it anymore.
PewDiePie: Did he get a tattoo of a d*ck on his leg?
PewDiePie: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
WHAT IS THAT?!
*small pause*
WHAT IS--?!
W H A T I S T H A T ? !
𝓦𝓗𝓐𝓣 𝓘𝓢 𝓣𝓗𝓐𝓣 𝓣𝓗𝓘𝓝𝓖?!!
PewDiePie: ..He's absolutely perfect
I've never seen a more beautiful man in my entire life.~
ENGLAND IS MY CITY! (???)
[About to enter a fit of laugher]
PewDiePie: Nooooo.....oooo
England...
ENGLAND
[Moan]
Ohhhhh! England is your city...
O H N O
Oh no- oh-- you're retarded.
[groan] Ughhhhhhh!
Err-- my cit- ci- city is the whole planet--
ｅｎｇｌａｎｄ ｉｓ ｍｙ ｃｉｔｙ
PewDiePie: I like how he, uh, he's so fat that he straight-up
destroyed this jacket. Like, look how it's hanging by literally its last thread.
PewDiePie: Okay, she's gonna educate us.
PewDiePie: Well, anyone that talks like that-
I don't want
Them to educate me
[Laughs]
PewDiePie: "Let me educate ya
and we ain't talking
𝓑𝓞𝓞𝓚!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What I love most of all about JP is that-- is besides
all his success, he remains humble.
Jake Paul: Yes they all copy me, but that's some shitty clones
PewDiePie: *burps* I think this song has killed me. (me too.)
I wanna die more than I've ever died before. Someone
please-
DON'T call an ambulance
Let me just-
-Never return. This is it guys,
I'm- I- it's been great, it's been great.
Let's see what some other people thought about JP's wonderful song--
[Random British boy #1] I like how the lyrics are on screen, man.
PewDiePie: oh, ah-oh tha-that's always a plus in a rap song.
[Random British boy #2] The lyrics just match like....
PewDiePie: The what?
[#2] The lyrics just match like... [Then his brain stopped]
PewDiePie: The lyrics just match WHAT? You can't just say that
and then say nothing, please say something else!
"You are retard"
PewDiePie: I think we all can draw some inspiration from that.
Now excuse me while I'm going to kill myself-- ah [YA]
[crappy 'Why Can't We Be Friends' instrumental]
[Keemstar sighs]