If there's ever a job that requires atmosphere, it's this one. Hello, how you doing everyone? You good?
Yes, okay all right. Just give me, give me a cheer just so I know how many of you are just Norwegian.
A fair few of you. Okay, haven't written any jokes for you. America?
Okay, Africa?
Okay, Australia?
One, well done okay. Excellent, all right.
Just checking at the top 'cause this for me is a very interesting
thing to come out and do and it's been exceptional.
I was so excited to be asked and I've met lots of people over the last couple of days.
And it's been inspiring to be amongst, you know, activists, and freedom fighters, and NGOs.
But I think we all know who the true hero is today. It's me.
It's me attempting to do stand-up comedy for those people. Yeah, you put your life on the line.
I'll just make you laugh a little bit. So I was at the bar last night. I met a few people.
Actually it was very sweet. A guy come over to me and said, "You look a million dollars."
And I was like "Oh thank you, that's so nice." And then he said he was from Zimbabwe.
Less flattering. Hyperinflation is not sexy. That's all I'm saying.
They say female comedians talk about dating. But that's actually a maths joke, so.
It's not even my favorite chatter-blind by the way. That happened to me when I was in Ireland.
I was in Ireland, stood in a pub in Galway. A man come up to me with his friend, punched me in the arm.
That was his opener. And then he pointed to his friend and said, "Seriously, would you not go out with him?
He has an iPhone 5."
As if I was considering it, but only if he had decent technology.
And I must admit as well at this point, just of my set, I am a little bit hungover as well.
Who was out drinking last night? Yeah, some of you. Not enough of you.
I think I made up for you. I drunk like three bottles of white wine, so. But the baby's loving it.
Relax, I'm not keeping it.
And that's how I used to open shows in Ireland.
Yes, not any more, Ireland finally repealed the eighth.
It's so exciting, yeah. It's great news.
I will no longer be able to say, "Irish women, come into the UK, taking our abortions."
So I'm pleased. I'm pleased, but I can aim it at some other countries. I've got a list
that don't have unrestricted abortion for women. Egypt, Senegal, Philippines, Tonga, Malta, Brazil
Nigeria, Mexico. Just a few.
I just believe that no civilized country should restrict a woman's right to bodily autonomy.
That's just my opinion, you know.
Anyone that interferes with it, I like to call a womb-botherer. That's how I describe them. Womb-botherers.
We have a couple in the UK. We have a politician in the conservative party at the moment
called Jacob Rees-Mogg. Yes, the man who would be prime minster.
Jacob Rees-Mogg is a pro-lifer. I like to call it anti-choicer. He's pro-life.
He recently met up with... He's also pro-eugenics as well. I should point that out.
Recently met up with America's top pro-life, pro-eugenics guy, Steve Bannon. The Americans already booing him.
They met up presumably to talk about their shared interests, which does pose a very important question.
Why is it only ever really ugly men
that believe in the idea of a supreme race? Steve Bannon looks like an actual dropped sandwich.
The nerve of that guy is incredible.
Sometimes the womb bothering goes beyond individuals, and governments
and tips into corporations as well.
This happened in the UK just at the end of last year.
Boots, one our major pharmacy chains got in trouble because they refused to lower the price
of the morning after pill in case it encouraged women.
That was in their official statement. As if that's how it works, ladies.
As if you hear that and go, "Ooh, do you know what I haven't had for ages? A really good pregnancy scare.
Seein' as it's so cheap at the moment, I might as well.
Plus I get loyalty points on it, so why not?"
Crazy, crazy womb-botherers. I think this has happened. We're at sort of an apex of misogyny
and I wanted to talk about this very briefly just as being a woman here.
But it sort of happened. There was a pinnacle wasn't there? Because America
Americans in, hello, I'm sorry. But there was that point you know
where America voted in last year a man that thinks Roe v. Wade was a tennis match.
Now that is an excellent joke, but it does require knowledge of '70s tennis and US abortion legislation.
Of course, over in that Venn diagram it's never as high as I would hope.
Donald Trump believes women should be punished for having an abortion.
I think his mom should have been punished for not having one.
How about we start there? I find it incredible he had the confidence to run for presidency.
Some of you may be thinking, "what are you talking about Tiffany?
He's the most vain, egotistical, arrogant man in the world.
I just say I'm surprised that's the case because he had a Scottish mother.
And I say this as a child of Scottish parents. There's one thing I know Scottish people don't like.
And it is cockiness. They don't like people being overconfident.
It's why comedians have to go to the Edinburgh Fringe every year just in case we get too big for our boots, yeah.
We have to go so we can have hostile Scottish audiences stare at us going, "I don't think so.
Next clown please."
Makes me think Donald can't have spent any time with his mother. He's way too arrogant.
He can't have spent any time with her. 'Cause if he had she'd have been like
"Donald, do you think it's a good idea to go out with your hair like that?"
"Donald, do you think that's a normal skin color for a human being to have?"
"Donald, why'd you tell everyone 500 people came to your birthday party when it was actually four?"
"Go to your room, son. You're an embarrassment."
It's a bizarre time when, well politics are being played out on Twitter isn't it?
What a crazy time to just see people threatening each other. Putin, Donald Trump, Kim Jong.
Donald Trump's written to Kim Jong. First it was fire and fury. Then it was locked and loaded.
I was like, "Is he just naming Jason Statham films?"
Is that what's happening now? Very keen to press the red button. Always described as a button as well.
I hope it's more than a button, that's all I'm saying. Surely it has to be more than a button.
You can accidentally knock that with your coffee. We've all gone into work hungover.
I'm hungover right now. You could just put your coffee cup down and that's it, end of the world.
If we don't want men to press the red button, then we have to hide it in a place they'll never look.
Ladies know what I'm talking about. That's right, a box set of Sex and the City, so.
Silly, it's silliness. I've been spending a lot of time at the beginning of this year in Los Angeles
where I recently turned 40 and I thought "Where should I go to get more visibility as an actress and a performer."
Hollywood. It's a really interesting thing that happens to women actually.
Once you get past 50, you do become invisible. And in some ways, it's like a super power.
You know, 'cause invisibility can be good can't it? You can perv on people in the shower.
You can rob a bank. You can run a country. This auditorium is actually full.
There just are women over 50 in those seats.
You can't quite see them.
I met lots of people who are obsessed with the royal wedding, lots of women in their 20s.
"Oh my god Tiffany, are you excited?"
You know there's like a certain type of American woman who sounds like her voice is running out of batteries.
"Oh my god, are you excited about the royal wedding?"
Not as excited as you. "You should be 'cause Meghan Markle is living the dream.
She's living the dream Tiffany. 'Cause she's gone from game show hostess to actual princess.
She is living the dream." I thought what kind of fever cheese dream is this?
Here's the reality of what's happened to Meghan Markle. She's gone from successful actress with autonomy
to public servant with racist in-laws.
Meghan Markle's living in a real life version of the film Get Out.
Every time Prince Philip opens his mouth, she goes to the sunken place.
It is Prince Philip we're talking about when we discuss racism within the royal family by the way.
Prince Philip who met a dance troupe called Diversity at one of the royal variety performances
and said, "Where are you from?" And they said London. And he said, "No where are you from from?"
And they said, London. Prince Philip.
Meghan Markle's dad had a heart attack. That was very sad.
I think it might have been that he thought he had to pay for the wedding.
I only wish I had five minutes to tell him "Don't worry, that's on the UK taxpayer. We got this one, friend.
We got this one."
It was interesting actually, seeing some of the rarely seen royals turn out for the wedding itself.
You know, the super posh ones. The ones who get confused
when they get an invite to the wedding and it says plus one.
And they're like, "One is already attending. How could one possibly bring oneself twice?"
Here's a little known fact for you. The queen actually has mugs and tea cups
with pictures of normal people on them.
Just two people on their holiday in the Canary Islands.
Beautiful. It's a joy actually being able to write material and then noticing change in real time around you.
I used to go to Australia and talk about equal marriage there before it happened
before they had the referendum. And I would frequently talk on stage about how pro-equality I was.
And after one of my shows, a woman come up to me and she said
"The thing is, marriage is between a man and a woman. That's just the way it's always been."
I said, "Well if it's always been a way, we definitely shouldn't bother trying to change it."
What I could have said was, "You know up until 1911, it was only men who voted in Australia.
It's just the way it's always been."
Which is an interesting fact for me, and for the one Australian in the room, welcome.
Like Australia actually had women suffrage like seven years before the UK.
And I thought to myself, seven years. Like how could they be so far ahead then
and so far behind on everything else now?
Time difference.
Turns out it's time difference. Also it's the way it's always been is the stupidest anti-progress argument
that exists in my mind. "You know, ah well before we were humans, we were just apes swinging around
flinging poo at the walls. Just the way it's always been."
Before that we were fish swimming around in the ocean. "Don't get out and try and walk mate, you're a fish.
Do not evolve. It's the way it's always been."
I think what I'm saying is, when it comes to progress, some people still want to be fish.
And that is why the internet is full of photos like this.
I've been Tiff Stevenson and enjoy the rest of your panel. Thanks for having me.