triangulation is one of the most common forms
of social manipulation dynamics
it's super common in the workplace
and it's the preferred tactic for haters
but here's the thing,
every one of us is engaged in triangulation
at some point in our lives.
Are You Being Triangulated?
triangulation occurs
when instead of communicating with someone directly
we go to another third person
to talk about that person
or complain against them
with the subconscious intention
(sometimes conscious intention)
of getting them to side with us against the other person.
we may use them as an in between to relay information
to the person we have a conflict with as well.
but this is not the same thing as an intermediary
because the subconscious intention in triangulation is to divide.
we're using one person against the other.
subconsciously we think our only way of maintaining
our self concept of being a good person
is to get the other person to validate that we are the one
that is the good one in the conflict.
the way to do this is to get the person
to have an issue with the person we have an issue with too.
we have decided that the best way to get somebody to decide with us
is if they'll see us as a victim.
we live in a society that sees the victim
as the good guy in all scenarios
so, the way that we preserve our self concept
and get them to side with us
is to see us as good and see the other one as bad
because it's so important to be the victim
in order to be seen as good
we have several strategies for looking like the victim
even in situations where we're really not the victim
to understand more about this I want you to watch a video
the first video is:
"The Triangle From Hell" (the Victim/Villain/Hero Dynamic)
and the second is:
The Victim Control Dynamic
(Escaping Control Drama in Relationships)
I highly suggest you watch these videos
to gain full awareness of these patterns
most people, frankly
have no idea that their being triangulated
for one glaring reason,
the reason is that the person that is doing the triangulating
is never gonna come outright and say:
"I want you to turn against this person"
instead they're gonna make it seem exactly the opposite.
they're gonna be covert about it.
they will gaslight, lie and do anything
that makes it look otherwise
so as to never have their tactic
which is often highly subconscious, be seen
and the most common camouflage they use is
other people's insecurities.
as people we are incredibly skilled at creating transactions
in order to get our needs met.
we have a sixth sense for what other people's unmet needs are
because we know that by meeting those needs
we can hook them into meeting our needs
as the exchange.
but right here is where we have the fertile ground for manipulation
wherever we have an intense need
to the flip side of that we have an intense insecurity.
for example
if it's an intense need to belong,
it comes along with an intense fear of not belonging
if we're really good at triangulating
what we're gonna do is
we're gonna play the person's insecurities
against the person who we have the original conflict with.
at the same time as we do that,
we're gonna give that person
who we're triangulating against the other person,
the impression that we're gonna be the ones
to meet their unmet need
this is especially easy to do when people are lonely
when this is the case,
all we have to do is give the person
we're subconsciously trying to triangulate
the impression that they can have the closeness with us
through opposing the other person
it is to find unity through a common enemy.
it is to use division with someone to gain closeness with someone else.
the reason that the person who is being triangulated
hardly ever sees what's actually going on
is because the person who is triangulating
is going to camouflage their own triangulation
underneath an insecurity, a wound or an unmet need
that that person already has
with the person their trying to triangulate that person against
what they're doing essentially is to make a crack, a grand canyon
this gets the person doing the triangulating
the validation in their feeling of being a victim
and the validation that their claims
against the one being triangulated against are credible.
but the person being triangulated isn't aware of any of that
what they are aware of is that this "crack"
which is now a grand canyon
defiantly existed way before this other person had a conflict with that person
so instead you feel validated
for that crack you never dealt with
so this means,
that person doesn't attribute the grand canyon
to the triangulator at all.
in fact, they own the entire conflict as their own.
at this point they become a defender.
the small issue that they themselves did not directly resolve with the person
now, when fueled by the triangulator becomes a forest fire
the one doing the triangulating has successfully managed
to camouflage their own agenda like a chameleon
in such a way that the person being turned against
the person the triangulator has a conflict with
mistakes the agenda for their own
here is an example:
we have person A,B and C.
person A has a conflict with person B.
so person A goes to person C, about that conflict
person A knows that person C feels insignificant to person B.
therefore person A begins to complain about how insignificant
person B makes him or her feel
and suggests that person B really should value and and prioritize person C more.
person A then proceeds to give person C
the impression that they value them and will prioritize them.
this fuels the pain between person B and person C
person B will then act as carrier
of that conflict between person A and person C
person B will be convinced the true victim is person A
person B has been manipulated into identifying with person A.
person B will then defend person A
and try to resolve the conflict for person A
when what they are really doing is standing up for themselves
against person C but indirectly.
person A has successfully played person B against person C.
and they can continue to do this over and over
until they have accrued an army
and divided everyone against the person they have the conflict with
if you grew up in a dysfunctional family dynamic
this kind of chess game of triangulation,
is part of the common interaction in your family
it's so much a part of your social upbringing
that you don't even see there being anything wrong with it
it's normalized.
you see this as the way social interaction goes.
you also see this as the only way to get connection
basically, whenever conflict arose,
you learned (in a dysfunctional family)
that there was no other way to create any kind of connection
or to create any kind of solution.
because resolve was not really an option.
because the members of your family weren't really after that.
if you want a good example of triangulation
watch season four episode one
of the TV show,
Law & Order criminal intent
this episode is titled Semi Detached
but what should you do to avoid triangulation?
and to make sure you're not being triangulated.
1: figure out your needs
and meet those needs directly.
what most people don't understand,
is that triangulation is manipulation.
and manipulation is only ever about needs
needs that cannot be expressed directly
so they are achieved indirectly
this means that there's no malicious intent behind manipulation
regardless of whether it destroys lives
to understand more about this, I want you to watch my video titled:
" Meet Your Needs"
2: deal with conflict the second that it arises
when it's very very small
most of us hate conflict
some of us really hate conflict
so what we do when we feel that tiny bit of resistance
where there is a little bit of conflict is,
we stuff it down, we suppress it
and we continue on and build resentment
and then this doesn't go away like any type of issue doesn't
instead it builds up and builds up and builds up,
until we're only ready to address that conflict,
when we're at a level 10
A rupture that's at a level 10 point
is very difficult to repair
because it usually involves several incidents
instead of one indecent.
when we begin to repair these situations of conflict
when they're very very small
and directly with the person we have the conflict with,
it doesn't escalate.
not only that, we find out
that we can create repair, and create repair,
and create repair.
and so we begin to feel a sense of security within the relationship
and security within a relationship leads to deep feelings of trust.
another thing is,
if we resolve the conflict we have with someone
when it's a very small crack,
within our relationship,
then there is no opportunity,
for anybody to use that crack,
to create a grand canyon
to triangulate us against someone else.
I promise you that facing a conflict when it's at a level two
is a lot less scary
and so it's a lot more likely,
if you address things at a level two,
that you can do so without needing all kinds of backup
and so you'll be less likely to triangulate.
watch yourself very closely,
because many people are very two faced
but they're not aware of their own two faced behavior
so ask yourself the question,
do you say something different to someone's face
than you say behind their back?
any time we're being two faced,
the door is wide open for triangulation.
most of us are passive aggressive because we feel intimidated
by the person that we have the conflict with
but I promise you
if you are not brave enough to directly address that person head on
than the door is also wide open
for you to be manipulative.
which is much less of a person that you wanna be.
3: try to figure out what someone actually needs and wants
in a situation,
in general,
but also in a conflict.
what is their actually intent of telling you what they're telling you?
ask the person who is triangulating,
directly what they want out of telling you what their telling you.
ask if they are just venting
or if they're expecting you to do something
often times you'll be able to feel the truth of why
even if their words sound as if their intentions are good
if they are venting,
you should still encourage them to talk directly to the source.
this questioning, though, will help the person to think about
what they are actually doing.
if they wanna be defended,
and sided with against someone,
they should have to say that directly.
there is a very different feel to a situation
when a person is really coming to us
to gain insight about how to resolve a situation
and when a person is coming to us to relieve anxiety,
and feel connected through division.
in a conflict it is natural that we want support
and it's natural for us to go to people to get that support
there's nothing wrong with that
where stuff gets hazy
is in our intentions,
our subconscious intentions,
when we go about doing that.
where it's hazy is when we start to manipulate
in order to get those subconscious needs met.
and then the support we think we're getting or going for
turns into something different entirely.
when we feel like we're in pain
because of a situation
so we're running to somebody for support
most of us, if we're totally honest
want people to side with us
in that we're wronged.
now if they do that, obviously
it makes the other person the 'bad guy'
and us the good guy.
this helps you to avoid shame.
in conflicts shame naturally arises.
so, if there's a conflict
I'm naturally gonna start doubting
whether I'm the good guy,
or whether I'm the bad guy
or whether I did something right
or whether I did something wrong
weaving people into this for support in being wronged
the one that's wronged,
means that I can absolve myself of my shame.
it also puts other people in the position where
I really do want them to be doing something
to prove that I was the one that was wronged
or to show me that I was the one that was wronged.
such as, defending me as if I'm the underdog
this feels soothing and safe
because when you do this you're creating an alliance
or partnership with a person
an alliance that also makes you feel good about yourself
regardless of whether you intended it or not,
this creates a two people against against one dynamic
this is very difficult to undo.
and you may be responsible for rueining several relationships
also you can feel that sense of alliance
4: we often fall into the trap
of telling ourselves
that everyone on the planet wants resolution
this isn't always the case
that's especially true if what a person is wanting is self esteem
if an injury that they've suffered in a conflict
makes them feel like they're the bad guy
it's very common that a person,
especially the lower their self esteem is
will wanna be the good guy no matter what
now, when this is the case
they have to have a bad guy
so creating resolution with you
doesn't actually enable them to do that
on other words creating resolution
is contrary to their actual need.
which is to feel good about themselves
which they think at this moment
is only gonna be achieved by being the good guy
which means you have to be the bad guy.
5: pay special attention
whenever somebody says something
that either creates or fuels a problem
between you and the other person
this is when a little bell in your head should go off
what is this person going for?
why are they doing this?
also, very important
that when this bell goes off you realize
that two people involved in a conflict
often have completely different perceptual realities
about the actual situation at hand.
and any time you talk to one side,
of this party,
you are getting a biased opinion.
here's another thing,
getting information through a third party is completely unreliable
6: this is probably the best news I'm gonna give you all day,
we can use any situation
in which we are being triangulated
to actually create a closer relationship
with the person who is being triangulated against.
here's why:
because a triangulator who's skilled is always gonna use
an insecurity or a crack that already exists
between you and the other person
you may be unaware on a conscious level
of this crack that you've suppressed
but when they start to triangulate you,
believe me, you will be aware of the issue you have with this other person
that's the opportunity
at that moment when you're feeling your own conflict
with that person magnified
go directly to that person and address your conflict with them
but leaving the person who's triangulating and their issue
out of it completely
for example, using the previous scenario,
person B should come to person C
and talk about their feelings
of insignificance and feeling not prioritized.
and this talk should have nothing to do with person A at all.
by resolving this issue directly,
we can remain a neutral party in the conflict
between two people who are having a conflict.
7: use an objective facilitator.
sometimes when this triangulation dynamic is just too intense,
it's important to use somebody
who's not involved
who can be an objective facilitator,
to create conflict resolution between the two people.
also, if triangulation has been something
that has perpetuated across an entire group of people,
so it's not just one person who's been triangulated,
it's the entire group that's being triangulated,
than a group meeting needs to be held,
where all parties involved in that conflict now
are at the table at the same time
and all the issues can be put on the table at the same time
so everybody's actual words can be heard directly
instead of indirectly through somebody.
this closes the door to any
misinterpretation or misrepresentation.
the conversation should end with the agreement,
on specific actions and behaviors,
that all people will take,
in order to avoid triangulating in the future.
8: there are very rare situations where the best option in a situation
or for two people or more to separate
but this is very rare.
that means, that what we need to be focused on,
regardless of where we fall into this triangulation pattern,
is to create resolution, so that we can feel a sense of closeness
this means that, almost like a north star or a guiding light
our goal should always be
not only to resolve conflict with our self and the other person
but also between two people
who are in conflict with each other.
not to gain closeness
through someone's opposition with someone else,
9: it's super easy to fall into the trap of triangulation
and play directly into it
so that relationships are absolutely destroyed.
the sad reality is that the minute somebody comes to you for support
in a way where they are triangulating
instead of trying to get feedback
so as to directly resolve the situation.
you're in the triangle.
you're in this triangle and filling some role in it
whether you like it or not
and whether you directly choose it or not.
whenever you are dealing with a triangle
and you're in any role within that triangle,
the question to keep in your mind as a north star is this:
right here in this statement or action
am I enhancing the triangle?
or am I helping to unravel the triangle?
10: develop empathy and compassion.
what you'll find in any conflict,
is that both parties feel like the victim.
regardless of whether both are the victims or not.
that's their perceptual reality
here's an example
we may feel like the victim
to the fact that somebody is not prioritizing us
but when we step into their perspective
maybe they're not prioritizing us
because they have so many pressures
on their time and resources
so both of us feel like a victim.
and in a way both of us in that scenario,
actually are.
empathy is not designed to negate hurt.
meaning, if we empathize with somebody else
or see from their perspective
it's not meant to make our perspective or our hurt
vanish or go away.
that's a competition in pain.
but what it's meant to do,
is to help us relate to the other person.
that brings us closer, instead of farther apart.
empathy will ensure that we don't cast ourselves
or other people in any of the rolls
of the bad guy victim and rescuer dynamic.
and simply deal with the conflict at hand
as well as the needs that conflict is flushing to the surface.
to learn how to do this watch my video titled:
"Compassion (And How To Cultivate Compassion)"
triangulation is a dynamic that we see in families
we see it in cultures, we see it in religions
we see it in the whole of society.
but triangulation is a dynamic that doesn't benefit us
because it keeps us all stuck
and most of all,
it divides us.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com