-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
This is it. You're here.
You made it. "The Tonight Show."
Thank you for watching.
Well, guys, today, President Biden unveiled a new Website
called covid.gov
where people can go for masks, test kits,
vaccines, and treatment information.
The COVID site's got everything you need -- tests, masks,
and a list of excuses
to get out of your friend's destination wedding.
[ Laughter ]
"I know restrictions are lifted, but, uh, yeah, I don't know."
If you haven't seen the new COVID site, here it is.
Yeah.
And just to make it
look more trustworthy for your crazy uncle,
there's a beta version that looks like this.
-♪ And I'm proud to be an American ♪
-Ah, I trust that one.
-♪ Where at least I know I'm free ♪
That's a Website I can trust.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Biden announced the new COVID Website,
and then he sat down to get his second booster shot.
-Ooh.
-Right after Biden's doctor said he needed a boost,
his poll numbers were like, "Tell me about it."
[ Laughter ]
Biden said the shot felt wonderful.
Based on the current news,
there's a chance getting stuck with a needle
really was the best part of his day.
It actually got a little awkward.
After he rolled up his sleeve, Biden said,
"Looks like inflation also hit these pythons."
[ Laughter ]
[ Smooches ]
Meanwhile, I read that over in Russia,
Putin's senior advisors have been giving him
false information about the war
because they're, "too afraid to tell him the truth."
-Ooh.
-You'd think his advisors would be more comfortable
telling him the truth.
I mean, they've always seemed so close.
Look at this.
[ Laughter ]
Same table.
It's getting crazy.
Today Putin left a meeting like,
"I can't believe I'm sexiest man alive.
I can't believe I --
This is unbelievable. Third year in a row."
[ Laughter ]
Here's a wild story.
Republican lawmakers are furious
at fellow Republican Madison Cawthorn
after he went on a podcast
and said that his colleagues in Washington
like to have drug-fueled sex parties.
[ Audience murmurs ]
Of course, Congressional Republicans
are denying the whole thing.
And many of them even put out statements.
First, Congressman Kevin McCarthy said...
Next up, Congressman Steve Scalise said...
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Congressman Billy Long said...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, some business news.
Amazon has been secretly testing its drone delivery program.
And this year, they plan to drop packages from the sky
to more than 1,000 customers.
Yeah.
Pretty soon, at Amazon headquarters,
they're going to be like, "Target acquired.
Release the Fruit of the Loom three-pack right now."
Yeah.
Meanwhile, if you choose three-day shipping,
the packages fall to Earth much, much slower.
The drone program is called Prime Air.
Prime Air.
That actually sounds more like a fancy bottle of oxygen
they try to sell on "Shark Tank."
"Hi, Sharks."
I heard about a man in Ohio who was robbed,
but the thief had a very interesting approach.
Listen to this.
-The victim told police he was approached
by a man in a ski mask holding a pocket knife.
The robber demanded cash
and made the victim pinky promise
he wouldn't report the robbery before riding off on a bicycle.
[ Laughter ]
-What?
-When the victim handed over the money,
the thief said, "Hey, I didn't say 'Simon says'!
Hey!"
Can we see the getaway vehicle?
Oh, yeah, that makes sense. -Oh.
-Yeah.
That makes sense.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, a mall in New Jersey
has a new vending machine
that you can make a burger in six minutes.
-Ooh. -Here it is. Look at this thing.
Yeah.
That's great, 'cause before this,
getting a burger was so time-consuming.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, how fast do you need a burger
when you look at McDonald's and you go,
"I don't have time for that"?
Yeah, but it makes burgers and doesn't talk.
It's basically your dad every Fourth of July.
You guys, we have a great show.
Give it up for The Roots, everybody.
-♪ The man at hand that rule the school ♪
♪ And reach and teach the blind and find a way from A to Z ♪
♪ To reach the most and boast loud and proud ♪
♪ The gain and vein of a main, do that thang ♪
♪ When the heat is on, you feel a fire ♪
♪ From the Empire on a more higher level of depth ♪
♪ One step for young ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah! That's right, what a show!
What a show we have for you tonight.
He's currently on his new standup tour
called "The King's Jester."
Hasan Minhaj is here tonight. -Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Funny, funny, funny dude.
Plus, he's the WWE Universal Champion,
and you can see him at "Wrestlemania,"
which begins streaming Saturday night on Peacock.
Roman Reigns is here tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
He's the best.
And we got great music
from Mimi Webb, ladies and gentlemen!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Fun show. It's a great show.
We actually had a great show last night.
Jared Leto was here.
His new Marvel movie "Morbius" is out this weekend.
I'm always blown away by how he's able
to disappear into his roles.
Really, it's amazing.
Actually, something happened amazing last night
when Jared was here, right before the show.
-Really? -Yeah, check this out.
Hey, Jared.
I'm so excited you're on the show tonight.
I just wanted to --
Oh. Sorry.
I thought this was Jared's room.
-It is.
-What do you mean?
-Ahh.
-What? -I was just in character.
-That's incredible.
You really disappear into your roles.
I was going to say, I just saw "Morbius,"
and I barely recognized you at first.
-I appreciate that. I really do.
-Hey, Jimmy. What's going on?
-Oh, hey, Higgins.
I was just saying hi to Jared. -Jared?
There's nobody in here with you. -What do you mean?
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
Where'd he go?
-[ Sighs ]
I'm right here.
-A-Again, unrecognizable.
I don't even understand how you do it.
It's so good.
-I'm just kidding.
It was really me. -Oh.
-[ Grunts ]
Got you again.
-I can't believe it.
Y-You were Jared pretending to be Higgins
pretending to be Jared pretending to be Higgins?
Almost. But -- But no. I --
I'm not Jared.
-Then who are you?
-I'm Jimmy.
-Then that makes me --
-Yep.
-[ Sighs ]
Jared.
-Incredible.
-Not too bad yourself.
-Thank you.
So, wait, where is Higgins?
[ Tariq rapping ]
-My first guest stars in "Morbius."
Give it up for Jared Leto!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Higgins laughing ]
-You know what?
Let him have it.
Want to grab a bite?
-Thought you'd never ask.
[ Hisses ]
-♪ The jig is up, the news is out ♪
♪ They've finally found me ♪
♪ The renegade... ♪