(Tiredly) Howdy.. This is Phantom Strider.
And let us return to "Peppa Pig."
Peppa: I'm Peppa Pig! (*Snort*)
The ever insipid yet creepy child cocaine that is the Dark Matter of YouTube.
You see, our universe on YouTube is comprised of 8% videos, & 92% "Surprise Egg" + "Peppa Pig" videos--
Designed to leave young children in an addictive dopamine cycle that can't be broken --
Without extensive squealing!
Anyway, to let off some more steam, let's look at three *abysmal* "Peppa Pig" videos and 3.. of the...
"Best"(?) Peppa Pig episodes...
Like, the episodes that the least terrible.
I'm not gonna say these are good, but they're the best I'm could find of "Peppa Pig."
Those very rare episodes where the narrator *shuts up* or talks like a normal human being!
Or maybe Peppa's just her least annoying, or there's some kinda good messages for the kids.
Though it should be pointed out when I asked for suggestions from the Twitter Community...
UNANIMOUSLY, I got *this* response!
Patrick: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
Strider: So I dug these up myself and, y'know, take this with a pinch of salt.
So let's check out 3 abysmal + 3 "best" [by default] "Peppa Pig" episodes.
Anyway, for better or for worse, onto the countdown!
The third Abysmal episode is...
"Daddy Gets Fit"
Well, let's stat with Peppa's family's favorite pastime!
Tormenting Daddy Pig's weight!
Peppa: You don't look very fit, Daddy, your tummy is a bit big.
Daddy Pig: (*Stubbornly*) I'm very fit!
Strider: So Peppa orders her daddy to start doing push-ups
Peppa: First, you must do some press-ups!
Daddy: (*Snort*) Easy!
(*His joints creak as he follows his daughter's^orders*) Peppa: 1. (*Joints creak*) 2.
Daddy: There!
Strider: Honestly, I'm surprised Daddy Pig can do a press-up at all!
They're really tough when you're first starting.
Peppa: (Arrogantly) You've got 100 press-ups to do!
Daddy: (Sad) Oh...
Strider: The words tedious and awkward best suit this episode.
Watching Daddy Pig continually have to embarrass himself seems far more --
Cringe-worthy than entertaining to me.
Let him hit the gym with some basic dignity and a daily work-out routine *he* chooses!
I mean, I'm all for encouraging fitness, I'm a marathon runner myself, but --
Often, fitness has to be a personal decision.
Telling your loved ones that they're fat and telling them to get fit seems mean, and shallow and...
Kinda weird for a four year-old cartoon.
As for plusses to this one, I can appreciate that...
Well, more than two things happen in this episode.
Daddy Pig tries push-ups, and then excer-cycle, and then he goes for a real bike ride and...
We get a scenery change of *two*!
TWO scene changes! That's almost variety!
But the continual fat-shaming and bossiness of Peppa really does bug me.
Besides, these three aren't exactly the epitome of slenderness themselves.
Who are they to judge?
Why don't they all quit ganging up on their dad and go get fit together?
And Daddy Pig's the only one who can swim underwater, apparently!
He's probably the fittest one there!
Momma Pig: I can't swim underwater.
Peppa: Even I can't swim underwater! [Note the pool floaties.]
Daddy: Hm... Please hold my glasses Mommy Pig.
Strider: And the third "best" "Peppa Pig" episode is...
"Not Very Well"
Doctor: Hello Peppa!
How're you today?
Peppa: I'm not very well.
Strider: Obviously, as you can tell with the name, Peppa spends most of the episode sick in bed.
Who apparently has a rash...
Doctor: Peppa has just got a rash.
Strider: Why couldn't they call it chicken pox? That's clearly chicken pox.
Well, for "Peppa Pig," I have to admit, of all the uninspired drivel it's shown me so far...
This episode's the least ear-grating(?)...
You see, this is one of those rare episode where we actually see the narrator talk like a...
NORMAL human being!
Rather than simply.. mindlessly parroting everything like he normally does.
Narrator: Dany Dog, and Rebecca Rabbit have come along too.
Peppa seems to be quite enjoying herself.
Peppa: Thank you Suzie!
He's actually giving further information to the children to better illustrate the situation!
He's almost being helpful!
I mean, don't get me wrong, the episode's still vapid enough to cause existential dread in adults.
But it's almost tollerable.
Perhaps because Peppa sends most of the episode sick and doesn't get the chance to annoy me.
Narrator: Dr. Brown Bear is here to see if Peppa is better.
Strider: He's been gone for three minutes! How could Peppa be better by now!?
Peppa: Me too! (*Snort snort*)
Doctor: A complete recovery!
(Mindless drone laughter)
Strider: Oh, what do ya know?
Four minutes later and Peppa's all better!
Here I thought the child would be taught consequences *beyond* the 5 mins. required to fill a YouTube ad break!
Well, didn't annoy me as much as most episodes, so that's a new high for "Peppa Pig!"
And the second abysmal "Peppa Pig" episode is...
"Mommy Pig at Work"
(*Thoroughly sarcastic*) Truly, there were some breath-taking moments in children's animation here!
I can tell you it involves a chicken, a fart sound, and.. very little animation.
That'll entertain the kids for five minutes, right?
But let's start from the beginning because there's really not that much to catch you up on...
Peppa and George barge in on their mother while she's working.
And subsequently crash the computer.
Peppa: You mustn'y do this!
(*Keys clatter with her doing was George "mustn't" do*)
Mommy: (*Almost showing emotion*) Peppa, stop!
Peppa: (*Snort*) Sorry, mommy.
I was just showing George what not to do.
(*The computer crashes from poor show quality*)
Strider: Resulting in a nice, compacted seizure maker for the under 6's.
Because apparently Peppa Pig's creators never learned anything from ["Electric Soldier Porygon."]
Then comes a truly awe-inspiring moment in animation history!
Behold! The chicken game!
(*The game makes weird music, the chicken bawks, and farts out an egg*)
(*The family laughs*)
Strider: I'd call it a game, but it doesn't actually involve any interaction.
(*The family mindlessly laughs, the chicken clucks, and keeps farting out a horrific number of eggs*)
Strider: So this.. uh.. radically riveting piece of animation continues for..
The rest of the video.
In a desperate attempt to fill that massively over-whelming *5 minute time slot*!
Are you sure we shouldn't have gotten 10 minutes of the chicken!?
I feel like I might've missed one of the subtle, intricate messages the writers were trying to convey to the children..
And then, as they always do, Peppa, George, Mommy, and Daddy pig drop dead laughing.
(*Mindless droning laughter *)
Strider: Because.. A badly animated chicken pooping for all eternity is.. roll on the floor laughter worthy?
Anyway, onto the next one!
And the second "best" "Peppa Pig" episode is...
"Halloween Party"
Though it's not exactly against stiff competition.
This is also among the *least* nauseatingly bad "Peppa Pig" episodes.
The kids are just having fun, and we get some interesting side-chatter from the adults.
I enjoy small details of this one...
Like how we can see the adults cover up some of the darker elements of Halloween for the kids.
Peppa: What's a vampire?
Peppa's friend: I don't know.
Vampire kid's mother: Oh.. um....
It's someone who sleeps all day, & stays awake all night.
(*Children express fascination*)
Strider: And I enjoyed the amount of variety in scenery we got in this episode compared to other episodes.
And listen to this! There's some actual subtlety here in the dialogue delivery!
Young boy: I'm a superhero!
Rabbit: Superheroes aren't scary.
Young boy: I'm a scary superhero!
Girls: .......... Oh.
Strider: Basically, the story is Peppa goes door to door picking up her friends --
Before they head back to her place for a Halloween party.
Peppa: (*Snort*) I'm a witch!
(*Peppa does a decent cackle for a child voice*)
Strider: And I actually enjoy the different design and costume choices.
I mean, sure, they're simple, but...
They give kids variety. They tell them what these costumes are. They tell them about them.
There's no sandbagging here, they actually fill the full 5 minutes of the episode with interesting stuff.
I think this would actually be stimulating for a child Peppa's age.
Giving them content to think about, a different event in their head, telling them about the characters...
I-i-it actually keeps them thinking!
I even thought the party at the end had some cute jokes.
Madame Gazelle: Oh! A vampire! That brings back memories of the old country!
Narrator: That's odd. Madame Gazelle doesn't have a reflection in the mirror.
Strider: I hate to say it, but you could have actually taught the kids something, Peppa.
You're still annoying, but good for you for teaching them something.
Girls: Oh.
Strider: The full 5 minute run time was actually used to its full advantage.
I know that's not saying much, but for Peppa, that's a definite improvement.
And our number 1 abysmal "Peppa Pig" episode is...
"Spider Web"
Peppa: Hello Mr. Skinny-Legs!
(*Spider giggles*)
Strider: (*Sighs*) Unphased by the [Australian] media backlash of the last Spider episode...
The creators felt that one Mr. Skinny-Legs episode wasn't enough!
So they thought, "Why not make another Mr. Skinny-Legs episode?"
"Clearly it worked so well the first time we talked about it!"
Like, I don't get it, is this their way of trolling Australia?
So let us go through a brief checklist of all the terrible things this episode teaches!
Number 1, leaving your office infested with spiders.
Mommy: Daddy Pig! This study is a complete mess!
Strider: Why would you teach children that these are safe, hyenic living conditions?
Daddy: I love cobwebs!
They give the room character!
No, ground cobwebs traditionally hold Redback Spiders.
One of the deadliest spiders on Earth.
They can envenom [put poison into] humans within 30 minutes
Number 2, encouraging children to be close enough to Spiders to French them.
Particularly now that the nesting grounds of the spiders is clearly *your* office!
And typically, spiders and snakes tend to bite when you're in their nesting grounds!
Daddy: Oh!
Strider: Number three, handling the spider with your bare hands.
Typically, when I try to catch a spider, I use very thick garden gloves, before getting it in a container --
And then dumping it outside.
Or far more likely, I squish it with my boot!
Or spray it with enough bug spray to turn my entire house into a bio-hazard.
The episode teaches the children all about the basics of spiders and how wonderful and friendly they are.
Except not to touch them!
And finally, teaching kids that Daddy being late for work is less important than a spider's web being messed up!
Peppa: YOU said, "You must never ever break a web!"
Mommy and kids: (*In robotic unison*) Yes, Daddy Pig.
Peppa: If you move the car, you will break the web!
Daddy: But how am I going to get to work?
Strider: Oh, no, don't worry about food on the table! That spider's web might be broken!
"Peppa Pig" - "Spider Web" is the number one abysmal "Peppa Pig" episode!
And the number 1 "Best" "Peppa Pig" episode is...
"Thunderstorm"
Mommy: Peppa, George, did you bring all your toys in from the garden?
Strider: Huh. This episode teaches, relatively well, how to remain calm during a thunder storm.
And it normalizes thunderstorms for children by showing Peppa experiencing one!
I like that!
Peppa: Mommy.. The thunder bangs are very loud.
Strider: There are some basic, understandable tips for kids throughout it.
Like showing that it's better for an adult to go out during a thunderstorm when necessary.
Or how to handle the ever-common dripping ceiling.
In fact, the final part of the episode teaches kids out to count between the lighting *flash* + a thunder *sound* --
To figure out how far away the storm is.
And whether it's getting closer, or is further away.
Mommy: Let's count between each flash and bang!
Daddy: The higher we can count, the further away the thunderstorm is.
Mommy: One.
Two...
Three...
(*Thunder boom goes off*)
Daddy: (*Snort*) That's three.
Strider: This, right here, is probably the most beautiful and constructive moment I've seen in "Peppa Pig."
There's closeness. There's understanding. And the whole family is working together. I like it.
"Thunderstorm" tries to normalize the scariest events for young children.
And any episode that [tries to help] children understand their fears gets major brownie points with me.
I hate to admit it, but I actually think this episode would be useful for some kids.
I personally consider this the best "Peppa Pig" episode.
Mommy: (*Snort*) The thunderstorm is over!
Daddy and kids: (*Genuine happiness*) Hooray!
(*Peppa giggles*)
Strider: I think if a show is gonna be watched by millions of kids and we're...
Inevitably going to have to keep putting up with it...
It's worth at least pointing out the positives and highlights of these shows.
Because, frankly, if Peppa's going to keep forcing her way into the public consciousness...
I want the producers to keep trying their best for the kids.
Because regardless of what I think, the next generation is already growing up on this.
If Peppa's going to be the one to keep teaching them, then I want them to be as ready as they can be.
And if you think I missed a particularly abysmal, or okay episode...
Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below.
And as always, thanks for watching! And I'll see you next time!
I just gotta say, it's great to be face-to-face with you again.
And while I do enjoy doing those and I'll keep doing them, it's good to be on camera for a change.
Anyway, thanks for dropping by, I hope you have a nice week and I'll talk to you later. [Subtitled by Jadrek Myers, commisioned by Phantom Strider. Sorry to clutter the screen.]