Hello Brains!
While I’m sure some of you have absolutely no trouble making and keeping friends,
that hasn’t been my experience.
And judging from the Facebook page, I'm not alone!
(in being alone)
Oh, the irony!
[Intro Music]
Part of my trouble with friends has been my more noticeable ADHD symptoms.
I’m fidgety, impulsive, have trouble waiting my turn,
have trouble staying focused on activities that don’t interest me
and keep forgetting everybody’s name.
But turns out, there’s another reason for it too,
and THIS goes all the way back to being a kid.
To help me explain, cool science stuff!
[Music]
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder,
which means while some parts of our brains develop a little faster than normal,
other parts are actually a few years behind.
One of the areas is the prefrontal cortex,
which has to do with our ability to make decisions.
So we might be super smart and even understand all the social “rules”
but still have a hard time knowing when and how to apply them.
Looking back, that makes so much sense.
As a kid, I had a really hard time connecting with other kids my age.
At recess or on a sleepover,
I didn’t always know how to do or say the right thing
like everyone else magically seemed to be able to do.
I felt a little lost.
It was like everyone else knew something I didn’t.
I didn’t really fit in.
And, because I didn’t fit in,
I often got left out.
I also started developing social anxiety as it became clear that I REALLY didn’t know what I was doing.
So even if a friend DID invite me somewhere,
I didn’t always want to go.
Because, I wasn’t good at it.
Here’s the good news, and it’s what I wish someone had told me.
You can get good at it!
Just like video games, nobody is BORN knowing how to play the "Social Game".
It's something you learn.
And, just like video games, if you throw yourself into a level you're not ready for,
it's gonna be confusing and frustrating
and, not all that fun.
You might even think you're not good at the game.
But, if you play it one level at a time,
like games were meant to be played,
you get better and better, and more importantly,
you have fun along the way.
"BUT!" ... Yes, Jessica
"How do you get good at a game you don't have that many opportunities to play,
are anxious about playing,
and, aren't really sure how to play in the first place?"
It's way easier then you'd think.
Let's learn how to play, "The Social Game"!
[Ding]
1. Invite someone to play with you
If you're not getting enough chances to play on "levels" that are fun for you,
invite someone to play on your level.
Set up play dates where you do stuff that you are comfortable with.
That could be, Level One:
playing at the park or Level Three:
watching a movie at your house.
You can ask your parents to help you to set this up,
unless you're my age,
then it's just weird.
"Hi, this is Jessica's mom."
"I was just wondering if Suzanne would like to go with Jessica to"
"da club on Friday night?"
... "Da club."
... "I assume it's some sort of club".
... "Would you like me to pick her up?"
The point is:
even if you are anxious, look for opportunities to play.
The more you practice, the better you'll get at
the game. And the better you are at the game,
the more comfortable you'll be on the NEXT level!
There's a link to a great podcast
on playdates in the description below!
2. Try a Tutorial. If you're nervous
about not knowing how to play a certain level,
it can help to know what to expect.
Ask someone you trust for a "walk-through"
and if there are any pitfalls you should look out for.
You can also google it. [Ding] [Ding] [Ding]
3. Get hints and tips from other players
while you play.
The people you're playing with can help you
improve your game. Ask for feedback.
Tell them to let you know, nicely,
if you're talking too much, or not sharing enough.
Sometimes you won't have to ask.
Sometimes they'll tell you.
Don't get mad. Thank them for helping you be a better friend.
4. Play with the best.
Instead of feeling bad that you're not as good at the game
as the other players, recognize that
you can learn strategies from THEM that'll make
YOU a better player.
On this same note, try to avoid players
who "win" by cheating. Making themselves
"seem" cool by doing stuff they shouldn't be doing.
Or putting others down.
If they need to do that to win, they're probably not that great a player.
5. It's better to play levels you enjoy.
If you get frustrated or anxious while playing,
it might mean that you're playing a level
you're not ready for. If Level Three:
watching a movie together, is enough
of a challenge, it doesn't make sense to
struggle through Level Ten: a sleepover.
Stick to levels you're comfortable with, and you'll probably have a lot more fun.
Which means, you'll play more. Which means, you'll get better.
Which means, you'll play more. Which means you'll get better.
This could mean: Playing with kids who are a year or two younger than you,
who are playing at a level that you're already good at.
Limiting the amount of time you play in any one session.
Or choosing players that enjoy the same "levels" you do.
Like the "Playing Pokemon Go" level.
That doesn't mean you only play the way YOU want to play.
Part of being a good player is making sure everybody's having fun.
But if a level's not comfortable for you,
it's okay to say "I don't want to play".
Good players will understand.
6. Don't Stress!
Life, especially social life, is
one giant experiment.
Nobody's really sure what they're doing,
and the only way to get good at it
is to do it. Making mistakes is part of that.
**Psst** It's called "getting experience".
[Ding]
And remember, the real goal of playing
isn't just to make this one person like you.
It's to get good at the social "game" in general.
So, even if it turns out Pokemon Go is ALL you have in common
it's okay.
If the person you're playing with doesn't turn out to be
your #bestfriendforever,
you're still getting valuable experience.
[Ding]
And friends aren't like Pokemon.
You don't gotta catch 'em all.
A few good ones are all you really need.
Of course, it can be hard to keep the friends you do make if you rage-quit all the time.
Next week, we'll talk about how to deal with anger and frustration
in a way that doesn't mess up your friendships.
That's it for this week. Share your favorite levels
that you like to play in the comments below.
Mine right now are the "Playing Tennis with Friends" level
and the "Reading and Responding to Comments on YouTube" level.
Oh, and remember: I answer a question at the end of the video every week,
so post your questions below, or on Facebook or Twitter.
And subscribe! So you'll see if I answer yours.
See you next week!
Bye Brains!
Question time:
Hey, have you thought about doing Patreon? Are you going to create a Patreon?
When are you going to make a Patreon? Oh my god, seriously, MAKE A PATREON!
Look! Patreon!
It's our Patreon page!
If you like what I do, and want me to do more,
I could really use the support.
I set some goals for the channel, and if
we hit them, we can start making even more videos.
And in the meantime, you can sign up for some pretty cool perks.
Including being on the Brain **Board**
and helping us decide on future episodes.
Click the "Help us Make More Videos" button for more!
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