-Well, guys the big news, of course,
is that the president and first lady
have tested positive for coronavirus.
In any other time in history,
this would be the craziest story of all time.
In the year 2020, it's Friday.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously when the news broke, 2020 was like,
"Come on, you had to see this one coming."
[ Laughter ]
I actually didn't see this coming.
Last night, I went to bed thinking tonight's
whole monologue would be about NASA calling off their mission
to send a $23 million toilet to space.
[ Laughter ] -What?
-We had 300 jokes on that. -[ Groans ]
-Unlike the presidential debate,
I hope people can learn from this.
If the most powerful, most protected person on Earth
can get COVID-19, anyone can.
And no one should have to suffer through this horrible virus.
But, yeah, in the middle of night,
Trump confirmed the test results by tweeting...
He tweeted that around 1:00 a.m.
Usually, that'd make people panic,
but for Trump, that actually shows he's feeling normal.
[ Light laughter ] Once the news broke,
tons of well wishes poured in from leaders around the country.
Some Democrats even meant them.
[ Laughter ] Joe Biden tweeted...
Trump was so touched. He was like, "That's sweet.
Give him a like, but not a retweet."
[ Light laughter ]
Of course, support for the president and the first lady
is also coming in from around the world.
-Russia's Vladimir Putin wished President Trump well
in a telegram according to Russian state media.
...the telegram reportedly said.
-Wait, a telegram?
[ Laughter ] -Right?
-What happened? Was the messenger pigeon in the shop?
[ Laughter ]
Putin was like [ Russian accent ] Sorry,
is closest thing we have to email.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] It wasn't just a telegram.
Putin also sent Trump a get-well Edible Arrangement.
Of course, in Russia, Edible Arrangements
are filled with rocks and expired beets.
[ Laughter ]
All this information came out last night,
but it wasn't the White House
that broke the news. Listen to this.
-It was not the White House that informed the American public
or informed us reporters
that Hope Hicks had reported positive for this virus.
It was Jen Jacobs, a reporter at Bloomberg News.
-Actually, Bob Woodward also knew,
but he was saving the story
for his next book in eight months.
[ Laughter ]
When it comes to keeping secrets, the White House
is worse than the "Big Brother" house.
Luckily, some people in Trump's inner circle are okay.
-Vice President Pence and the Second Lady, Karen Pence,
have tested negative this morning.
That's according to their press secretary.
Obviously they were quite concerned.
-That's right, Mike Pence got tested.
For the nurse, it was like sticking a cotton swab
up a giant cotton swab.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it was a roller coaster of a day for Pence.
Here he is when he found out he might have been exposed
to the virus.
And here he is celebrating that he is completely fine.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile all this news is leading to questions
about the next presidential debate.
-Will the next presidential debate even happen?
It is supposed to be in 13 days.
If you've tested positive for COVID,
you are supposed to isolate at least 10 days
after the symptoms first appear.
-Yep, the debate could be postponed --
not 'cause of the coronavirus,
just 'cause no one wants to moderate it.
[ Laughter ]
Mitch McConnell even floated the idea
of holding a virtual debate.
That should be good. They couldn't stop interrupting
each other in person, and now they're gonna try it over Zoom?
[ Laughter ]
Can we leave the meeting?
Let's change gears here.
Today, I saw that a New York staple is returning tomorrow
after a six-month absence...
-Horse-drawn carriages are returning to Central Park
on Saturday.
Carriage drivers held a news conference in the park.
Rides were halted in March
when nonessential businesses were closed.
-Good news is everyone agrees that masks are good
when you are sitting right behind a horse.
[ Laughter ]
New York is a lot different than it was six months ago.
For 50 bucks, you can hitch a ride around a park
or buy a two-bedroom apartment.
[ Laughter, groaning ]
It's been a weird time for the horses, too,
because the past six months, they've been working over Zoom.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, I saw that Brach's is now selling candy corn
that tastes like Thanksgiving dinner
with flavors like green bean, turkey, and stuffing.
[ People groaning ]
Hey, don't knock it until you spit it out.
[ Laughter ]
If that was the vaccine for coronavirus,
people still wouldn't eat them. [ Laughter ]
At this point, 2020 is just rubbing it in.