[EXHALES]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
CHRISTINE LIU: So when people ask me, hey, Christine,
how's it going?
How are you feeling?
I say I'm fine.
If I feel a little--
want to dig into things, I say I'm hanging in there.
And people chuckle.
And we're all in the same boat.
But if I were really honest, I'm friggin' scared.
I'm tired of staying in my house.
Then I feel guilty because, obviously, I
have a pretty good deal.
I'm working from home.
I can connect virtually with my family.
So then it's just like, all right, rinse and repeat,
every day.
Not really great news out there.
It's scary.
So there's all that.
But also, I find that my emotions are literally
leaking into my professional life as well.
What do I do with that?
We found an expert to help answer these questions.
Susan David is a psychologist on the faculty of Harvard Medical
School.
And she's also the author of the book Emotional Agility.
Here's what she had to say.
SUSAN DAVID: Well, I think the first thing for us to recognize
is, number one, every emotion is normal.
We live in a world that seems to value
the idea of relentless positivity,
or at work what we call just getting on with it.
Our emotions evolved in us as human beings
to help us to adapt.
Now, if we think about the situation
that we're currently in, this is a situation
in which, if you aren't feeling a range of other emotions,
you're probably not paying attention.
When I talk about, in my work, emotional agility,
emotional agility is about a specific way
of being with our emotions that's healthy.
And this is critical.
I mean, it's critical always.
But of course, at this point in time
it's fundamental to our well-being
and to how we love and live and how we lead.
CHRISTINE LIU: What am I supposed to do?
OK, I can accept it's normal.
But it's still freaking me out.
And it's unpleasant.
So how do I work through it?
SUSAN DAVID: Face into the reality
of what we're currently experiencing with what
I'm calling gentle acceptance.
CHRISTINE LIU: I gently accept my anxiety.
[INAUDIBLE]
SUSAN DAVID: What do I mean by gentle acceptance?
Gentle acceptance is not passive resignation.
It's not about saying, everything's hopeless
and there's just nothing I can do.
Gentle acceptance is about saying, it is what it is.
It is what it is.
And to also let go of what we cannot control.
We cannot control what our manager may or may not say
at a particular meeting.
We can't control whether our neighbors are wearing
N95 masks or other masks.
What can we control?
We can control how we respond, how we connect, how we serve.
We can control how we surface our values
and our wiser courageous selves.
CHRISTINE LIU: Feel better already.
[LAUGHS] This is super helpful.
So one thing that really struck me in our conversation
was this idea of these difficult emotions.
They're real.
They're normal.
But also, they're not necessarily just things
to get through.
They're not just obstacles.
We talked about them being signposts in the way
that they can actually lead us to a direction
to help us answer the question, who do we want to be?
Who do we want to be during difficult times
like this pandemic?
And what do we truly value in ourselves and in the world?
So I'll let her explain.
SUSAN DAVID: Difficult emotions content signposts to the things
that we care about.
If you are a guilty parent, that signpost
might be that you value presence and connectedness
with your children, and you are needing more of it right now.
Or if you are feeling overwhelmed,
that overwhelm might be a signpost
that you need greater levels of self-care.
So the way that we are connecting with our values
and who do I want to be right now
is by showing up to difficult emotions.
And by saying, what is this emotion signposting to me
about what is important?
And then how can I move more in the direction
of what is important, even if it feels uncomfortable?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
CHRISTINE LIU: That was a really powerful conversation.
After Susan answered my questions,
I feel really relieved, in a way.
I feel like I have permission to have really difficult emotions.
And it's normal.
SUSAN DAVID: People sometimes come to me in my work
and they say, I feel so stressed.
And I just wish that stress would go away.
Or I feel anxious.
And I just don't want to feel like this anymore.
I'm like, I get it.
I get it.
But try to have a goal that you're not
going to feel stressed, or anxious, or sad,
or disappointed.
These are dead people's goals.
These dead people's goals.
Only dead people never get stressed, never get
disappointed, never have uncomfortable feelings.
Discomfort is part of life.
And tough emotions are our contract with life.
We don't get to have a meaningful career,
raise a family, leave the world a better place,
or make our way through a pandemic
without stress and discomfort.
Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.
And so if we can hold onto that and then use some of the skills
that we've spoken about, this can lead us
through this not in a mode that feels defensive
and like I'm hunkering down trying to protect myself,
but rather that I'm breathing into the experience
and actually developing greater levels of resilience,
and connection, and wholeness, and wisdom.
And I think that is the lesson that
can come from this pandemic for all of us
in our own way, whatever that looks like.