Hey everybody. Happy Thursday. Now today's
question actually comes from Patreon, and
if you don't know what Patreon is, I'll
link it in the description. But it's a way
to support creators and it's honestly the
way that my channel is able to sustain. So
a big shout out to all my Patreon patrons.
But let's get into that question. And the
question is: Hey Kati, I don't know if
this is too much to ask for one of your
videos, but I didn't know where else I
could ask it. Is it possible for people to
use sex as a form of self-harm? I don't
know if that even makes sense, but when I
was little I had what can best be desribed
as a family who did a lot of body shaming.
Now I'm left wondering if some of the
not-so-great choices I've made around men
are tied to that in a way and if it could
be a form of self-harm. I don't know if
this is making any sort of sense, but it
doesn't really make sense to me either. It
just sort of feels "off."
And before I jump into the answer, don't
forget to subscribe, if you haven't
already. Turn on those notifications,
which is the bell next to that subscribe
button so you don't miss out on any of my
videos.
Now let's get into the answer. The short
of it is yes. Sex can be used as a form
of self-harm. We can do a lot of different
things to ourselves as a way to harm
ourselves. I think the question that you
need to always ask is, "Am I doing
this because it feels good to me and it's
something I enjoy? Or is it something that
I'm doing as a way to punish myself? Or to
put myself down?" I think the reason that
many of us wonder about this is because
how do we know? How do we know when
something isn't good for us if we haven't
come from a healthy background? If we've
always been told that we're too skinny,
too fat, too short, too whatever. It
sounds like, from this person's
experience, their family's always done a
lot of body shaming. And so we may have
sought out attention from men or women,
depending on your sexual preference, as a
way to kind of soothe that, without even
realizing it. And the way that we find out
of whether or not something is done for
self-harm reasons is in therapy. We're
gonna have to talk it out, because it's
not just black and white, like yes or no.
Processing through a lot of the things
that could have happened in our childhood
is why therapy is so beneficial. Even if
you feel like you haven't been traumatized
in your childhood, just having someone
body shame you over and over can slowly
change the way we feel about ourselves.
And so, once we've worked in therapy to
heal that and talk about it, only then
can it be revealed to us all the behaviors
we've done as a result. For example, let's
say we grew up in an alcoholic home, let's
say our father was an alcoholic, and we
grew up feeling like everything was
chaotic, nothing was under our control,
and we didn't really know how to keep it
all together, in therapy we can talk about
that. We can process it. We can go to
al anon or they can get into AA, maybe
they're recovered. Whatever that process
is, as we get older and as we go through
it, only then, once we've healed in
therapy, realized all that went on, and
the things that we may done, can we look
back and see, "Hey, maybe all those
relationships in my teens were really bad.
Maybe that was because I was seeking out
someone like my father." And the reason
that we actually do that, because I don't
think I've talked about this before, the
reason that we do that is because our
brain is very adaptive and it's trying
to find a better way for that to turn out
for us. Does that make sense? So, in a
way, we're going into relationships with
people similar to, let's say, our
alcoholic father because it wants to give
us a better result. It wants to give us a
better outcome. It keeps thinking, "Well
maybe if I try something just a little
different, it'll come out differently and
things can be better." And I know that
that sounds like torture because we keep
putting ourselves in the same situations,
but our brain is really trying to help us
and to heal us. So, it's kind of, actually
cool, but therapy takes it another step
further where we can talk about it,
process through it, so we don't keep
repeating those behaviors and those
habits, hoping for a different outcome.
And so, to answer this question, yes, I
think sex was being used as a form of
self-harm. And my guess as to why, would
have been that you were seeking out
positive attention from men to affirm that
you are beautiful, that you are worthy.
And that's why I don't wan there to be
any shame, guilt, or embarrassment
associated with this because it's really
just our brain's way of trying to give us
a better outcome, make us feel better
about ourselves. And yeah, it may not
have worked out quite perfectly, but now
that we're in therapy, and we're realizing
"Hey, maybe that wasn't that healthy and
maybe I shouldn't have done that" we can
only move forward, right? What I hope you
hear in this video is that we can use a
lot of different things to harm ourselves,
but that doesn't mean we're always aware
of it. And once we are, we can only move
forward to change. And so, if there's
something you're struggling with and you
think you're using it as self-harm, I hope
that this video speaks to you. I hope it
reminds you that nothing's wrong with
you. That we all go through tough periods.
And it's really just our brain's way of
trying to give us a better outcome. But
the good news is, we can process through
it, we can heal, and we can change the way
we behave in the future. If you have any
tips and tricks that have helped you in
your path to recover, can you leave it in
the comments? I know this topic can be a
little difficult for some people to talk
about, but if you're willing to share your
story, you never know who it could help.
I love you all. Have a wonderful day. And
I will see you next time. Bye!
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