- But who were like, "Who do you think you are?
"Like you're a dumb blonde," or
"You must be some rich girl.
"Life's been really easy for you."
And my past is not a beautiful one.
My sister had a drug problem when I was in high school
and I remember one night coming home
and I could hear her screaming at the top of her lungs.
My mom is on top of her, was choking her,
and my sister's attempting to scream,
trying to throw punches and all this stuff,
and I go over and I'm trying to shove my mom off
and she throws and elbow at me and knocks me in the face.
My sister breaks free from my mom
'cause I'm trying to hold my mom,
and she runs into this washing room.
She tries to shut the door and my mom breaks through
and again just starts choking her
and she's turning blue, and I'm screaming.
Finally we got my mom out of the washing room,
and so we locked ourselves in between the two
and my mom is kicking the door so hard
that the door is breaking and it's splintering,
and my sister is in this little ball just screaming,
"Why doesn't my mom love me, why doesn't my mom love me?"
And she moved out that night.
I had like this very bipolar experience of love
in the sense that it was unpredictable
and it was kind of scary at my mom's.
And my dad was just this like, I just felt safe.
I felt like I could do no wrong,
It just felt natural and it would flow.
He taught me how to two-step in the living room,
I had my feet on his boots,
and I had my hair in little braids and my little feet on his
and we're two-stepping and I'm giggling
because I'm messing up, and he's twirling me around.
That was, all the time with him was that feeling.
When I was 11 years old I took my mom to court
so that I could live with my father.
I had to write a letter to the judge
telling everything that my mom had did
and they read it in court in front of her,
and I was like, "There's no way any judge
"would ever let me go back to her."
So I was just like a hundred percent confident.
And I remember the call, and I was sitting
in this little living room in Oklahoma with my stepmom.
She picks up the phone and I'm so excited
because oh my God, she's gonna tell me,
my life's gonna change.
And I just saw her face just look at me
with just deep concern and I was like, "Say something."
And she's like, "Baby, we didn't win."
And I just started screaming, and I grabbed the phone,
I'm talking to my dad, and he had fought tooth and nail,
maxed out every credit card he had
in trying to fight for me.
He must have felt so defeated in that moment.
And I remember having to get on that plane
and go back to my mom's.
I wouldn't even let her be at the airport.
I said, "I will not go home if you're at the airport,"
and I hated her, I was so mad.
I remember when I was 13 getting home
and a few hours later I get a call from my father
and he didn't sound right.
I could just hear in his voice, he just called to say hey,
but something was really wrong.
And I said like, "Daddy, are you okay?"
And he's like, "I'm fine."
I go to my mom and I'm like,
"I know you don't really like this man,
"but he's not okay right now and something's wrong."
She picks up the phone and she's like,
"Do I need to call people like last time?"
And immediately I knew, I was like,
"This is so bad, this is so so bad."
I grabbed the phone from her and I say,
"Daddy, I need you, me and my sister really need you.
"Please, like whatever's going on,
"please be stronger than this, like we love you,
"you're amazing, you're perfect."
And he stops, and I will never forget the words
because it hit me just so hard.
He's like just quiet and he goes,
"Honey, Daddy's just tired."
And I could feel the weight of the world on him
in that moment, where he could not see past his darkness
and I couldn't take it from him, you know?
I was this 13-year-old girl saying,
"Just please Daddy, don't go.
"I don't know where you are, I don't know what happened,
"I don't know why you're in this space, but can I help?"
And my mom grabs the phone and she's screaming at him,
she's like, "You fucking bastard,
"don't you leave these girls, don't you do this to them,
"so selfish, tell me where the fuck you are."
And he eventually tells my mom where he is.
I remember thinking that day
if someone had just been there before,
before he took the pills,
if someone had told him that he was okay
that all of his mistakes were forgiven,
he deserved to be loved exactly as he was,
then he wouldn't have been in that space in the first place.
I kind of shut off, it was too painful,
the feeling of the most important person in your life
and you can't save them.
I made that my excuse for a long time, I'm a victim,
and I ran with that for as long as I could.
I started getting bad grades, I stopped trying.
And I remember one of my teachers saying,
"What has happened to you?
"You're gonna go nowhere if you keep this up."
And I remember smiling and being like,
"Yes, I want to go nowhere."
It was this cycle that I would create,
and I created it into my 20s in unhealthy relationships
and in my job experiences, in allowing people
to treat me ways that were totally disrespectful to my soul.
I was in a relationship with someone
who I should have never been in a relationship with
in the first place, and I remember one night
we were sitting in our bedroom and he was
an extremely jealous and insecure person,
verbally and emotionally abusive,
and it was the first night that he became physical.
He took a wine glass and he threw it at me full force.
The wine hit my face and it smashed
into the wall behind me, and I remember in that moment
this pain, this lack of self worth was
so much darker than anything that anyone should ever feel
or experience or even, it wasn't real.
I prayed, and I got on my knees and I said,
"God, I know that I'm here for a reason.
"I can't see it, I sure as hell can't get to it,
"but I know I'm here for something far bigger
"than this bullshit."
And it was like this wave of energy came over me.
I looked at him and I was like, "Get out.
"Get out of my life."
I just was like, just strong in it and he left.
I don't know who spoke through telling him to get out
but thank God it did because it gave me a couple days
to be like, "Why, why did I let this in?"
And it gave me distance to create enough clarity
to let the fog start to lift,
to see things as they really are.
Why did I go into that?
I was afraid to be unaccepted, I was afraid to
live my life without someone constantly there.
I was afraid to fully be loved,
so I attracted someone who wouldn't love me fully.
I don't want to live a life of fear any more.
I want to live a life of love.
So every day I will make decisions from love
and sometimes they're really courageous, they're crazy,
they're perfect, they make me a better person.
And with my mom, I didn't know it
but my stepdad had an extreme addiction
and she was so ashamed that she wouldn't tell me,
but it was breaking her inside.
I realized all those years where she was so mean
and violent was because she was in so much pain.
When I looked at how I receive love and connection
from each person, well,
everyone dances with you the way you dance with them
and with my mom if the only time where I can receive
love and connection is when I'm drinking with her
or when we're fighting and we're screaming at each other
in some weird way that's the moment that I feel connected.
That's not healthy.
I remember when I began to choose my truths,
I told her, "You've got to leave him
"and you have to remove the guilt and the shame
"and you have to tell your story
"and you have to be okay with it."
She's removed all of the things in her life
that weren't suiting her and she's just,
she's running towards happiness.
She tells me, she'll send me texts sometimes, she's like,
"Hey, thanks for saving me."
And it's in those moments you're like, (laughs)
"I had to save myself."
Where was I when we all took a vote and decided
that we weren't worthy, that we weren't allowed
to receive unconditional love?
What happened, did I miss something
in the grand scheme of existence
that for some reason we have to work for love,
that we have to prove ourselves to be acceptable?
Existing is enough to receive love,
and the most pain I have seen in this world
and the most pain I have felt in my life is because
I thought I had to do, experience, or be
something other than what I was to be accepted,
to live that beautiful life, and to feel love.
It's not that I've gotten bigger than the pain
and I don't care about it any more.
It's that it is not defining me.
Everything I've experienced now I choose to pluck it out
and say, "Where does this need to be planted in my now
"so that I can create something beautiful from it?
"Let me take that seed and let me water it properly
"so that I will flourish and will provide fruit for others."
If you are that person right now, you are loved,
you are accepted, and if there's anyone in your life
that is telling you that you're not enough
then send them love 'cause they clearly need it
because they're judging you.
There's something wrong with someone when they judge you,
but it's not about you and you have to remember that
and vibe on with a beautiful life
and choose that love in every moment.
As you choose it, I promise you that more people,
more experiences, and more energy of love will show up.
Believe in that and it will surely be.
It can be no other way.
(dramatic music finale)
(gentle music)