everyone should be in therapy.
Don't do it for yourself, do it for your friends.
(audience cheering)
They don't wanna hear that shit anymore.
If you think you don't need therapy,
here's what I want you to do.
Tell your best friend that you're thinking about it,
see how relieved they look.
(audience laughing)
That's all I'm saying.
You don't have to be on the brink of despair
to go into therapy, I'm a pretty happy person.
I'm a pretty happy person.
Sometimes I think I'm depressed,
but then usually I just need to take my bra off.
(audience laughing)
It's like, oh, that's what that was.
I'm a happy person in therapy, which I recommend.
Because I walk in there confident.
I walk in there with the confidence that I imagine
people who floss have when they go to the dentist.
(audience laughing)
I'm speculating.
Just like, we're probably not
gonna find anything, but let's take a look, huh?
(audience laughing)
I don't think I'm going to therapy to get better
so much as I am just waiting for the day
when my therapist tells me I'm her favorite client.
(audience laughing)
That's all I want.
I just wanna show up on day and have her say,
Listen, I can't take your money anymore.
Do you wanna just hangout?
(audience laughing)
I'll tell you about my other patients.
As your prize for being the least crazy.
I don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm tryin' real hard, I'm suckin' up,
I do all the good therapy things,
like, I cry every week right at the beginning.
Just to let her know I mean business, I came here to work.
Crying is the best thing you can do in therapy
and I do it every week right at the top,
that's like starting a song with a guitar solo.
(audience laughing)
It's the Carlos Santana smooth of therapy moves.
(audience cheering)
(audience laughing)
Featuring Rob Thomas.
And yeah, that's an old reference,
but write a song that rocks harder and I'll update it.
(audience laughing)
I really thought I was nailin' it and then a friend of mine
told me that she made her therapist cry recently.
(audience laughing)
I know, I was like, ****, I gotta step it up.
Do you like your therapist?
- [Woman] I do.
- You do, why do you like your therapist?
- [Woman] She actually says things in therapy.
- She actually says things in therapy?
You are holding her to such a low standard.
(audience laughing)
It doesn't matter what she says, I just like that she talks.
How did you find your therapist?
- Actually, it was through a referral of another therapist.
- It was through a referral of another therapist.
That's the perfect answer, that's the only way to go.
Some people say they get a referral
from their friend, you can't do that.
First of all, which friend do you ask?
It's gotta be someone who's visibly improved
in the time you've known them.
(audience laughing)
'Cause otherwise, how do you know?
But then you can't go to the same therapist as your friend.
I've tried that before, it didn't work.
The whole time I just wanted to be like,
Let me tell you what Kim's real problem is.
(audience laughing)
I know that bitch is not being honest with you.
(audience laughing)
I did what you did, I got a referral from another therapist.
'Cause I didn't wanna use Yelp.
The one thing I know about people who leave Yelp reviews
is that they have not received effective therapy.
(audience laughing)
I got some referrals, I went to their websites thinking
maybe the websites will help me chose between them.
Their websites, it turns out, were all basically identical.
They all had the exact same qualifications,
the exact same mission statement.
No one was out there being like, I dropped out
of middle school and I'm gonna make you crazy.
(audience laughing)
It was basically the same.
There was no dancing baby gifs
to help me definitely pick that one.
(audience laughing)
The only difference I actually found website to website
was their picture, so that is how I chose.
(audience laughing)
I don't feel good about it, I didn't have a choice.
I became as shallow as the men
I am going to therapy to talk about.
'Cause here's what's ****ed up, you guys.
I went with the pretty blonde lady therapist.
Yeah, my natural enemy, why would I do that?
That doesn't even make any earthly sense.
How is she gonna understand my problems?
I'm gonna be like, I'm afraid he's gonna leave me.
I don't know what that is.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes I think I might not deserve love.
God, it's like you're speakin' Chinese over here.
(audience laughing)
But it turns out, it was actually a great call.
Hot people are amazing at therapy.
Because there is nothing I feel guilty
complaining to her about, because I just assume
her life is better than mine.
The last thing I want is a therapist
who's gonna put my problem in perspective.
(audience laughing)
I don't wanna think for a second
that my life is going better than my therapist's.
If I walked in there and my therapist had an eye patch on
or a peg leg, I'd just be like,
You know what, I'm good, I'm gonna walk it off.
We got bigger questions we need to answer,
such is why is this pirate a therapist now?
What's goin' on in their industry
that they're fallin' back on their MFTs?
This economy is really effecting everyone.
That is a joke, but the other day my therapist
had a bandaid on and I was like, Should we cancel?
(audience laughing)