- What is empathy?
I recently lost my father,
and that experience got me thinking about empathy.
So we'll explain what it is,
look at how you can learn to empathize,
and ask the question,
can we take empathy too far?
Let's get into the details.
(rock music)
Hi, I'm Alex Lyon and a big part of this channel
is looking at our leadership skills.
And I believe empathy can help us all become better leaders.
As I like to say, the shortest distance
between two people is empathy.
It will help you connect with people.
It increases your interpersonal skills
and helps you create better relationships.
The basic definition is the ability
to understand and share the feelings of another person.
It's mostly about the F-word, feelings.
Empathy is about connecting with another person's emotions.
There's an old expression that,
"If you want to understand another person,
walk a mile in their shoes."
In other words, we can imagine what it must be like
to face another person's situations
and picture what it must be like to be them.
We're looking for common ground
and mutual understanding.
Empathy helps us realize that we're not alone
and that other people can and do understand us.
I made another video on empathetic listening.
I'll put a link to that in the description below this one.
But one of the questions I read on that was,
"How do I learn to empathize in the first place?
How do I put myself in somebody else's shoes?"
There are three ways I experienced empathy
as I processed and grieved my father's recent passing.
First, as you learn about another person's situation,
you can recall experiences
that you have had that might be similar.
If the person is telling you that they just lost a parent,
like me, you might remember what it felt like
when you lost a loved one.
When my dad passed away several weeks ago,
I got a call from a close cousin.
She had lost her dad years ago,
and she was able to put herself in my shoes
and remember a bit about what it was like for her.
She said to me that grief can fade over time
but then rush back in.
She said, "You might be feeling fine
and not thinking about it,
but then an old picture might slide out of the pages
of a book and grief comes rushing back in."
She put herself in my shoes by remembering
what it was like for her.
And if you haven't had the exact same experience,
you might recall something similar,
like what it was like to lose a family pet
or say goodbye to a friend who moved away.
Recall how you felt and connect that little bit of emotion
to how the other person might be feeling.
In professional situations,
you might have a brand new employee
and you can bring back your own memories
about what it felt like when you were brand new on the job.
And once you're recalling what it felt like for you,
you shorten the distance between yourself
and the other person
and you're very likely to have a more helpful conversation
as a result.
But what if you really don't have similar experiences
that you can draw on to bridge that gap?
Second, ask open-ended questions.
Take an interest in the other person.
My wife is an extremely empathetic person
and she asked questions and was a good listener
about my dad's passing.
She let me know I wasn't alone.
She nodded, made good eye contact.
She showed me she cared.
She asked questions but sometimes just being quiet
for a little extra moment and giving the other person time
to talk and think is really what's needed.
As we listen to others,
imagine what it must be like to be them.
My wife kept her responses really simple.
She said things like, "I hear you,"
or, "That sounds hard."
But our main job is not to say a lot.
Our main job is really just to listen
to the other person's story.
And at times, we may not know what the other person
is going through.
They might not tell you.
So sometimes, you have to notice if someone's acting
a little different, either positive or negative.
And you can ask them, "Hey, are you okay?
or, "How are you feeling?"
If somebody is happy, you can ask them,
"Oh, you're in a good mood. What's going on?"
Asking question creates an open opportunity
for them to say more without any pressure.
Then, imagine what it must be like,
whether they're in a positive mood
or they're having negative emotions.
Come alongside them either way,
to the extent that you can,
and show them that you're there for them.
Share their moments of difficulty or celebrate
their moments of joy.
And a third way to practice empathy is to read books
and watch movies about people's stories.
This often happens without even trying,
if it's a good story.
You'll know you're feeling empathy
if you start to feel caught up in it.
The other day, I was watching
one of my wife's favorite shows with her, "Heartland."
It's a Canadian show and there was a scene
where one of the horses was saying goodbye, if you will,
to another horse who was going to live at another ranch.
And the character riding the horse
was also, in a way, saying goodbye to someone on the show.
I really started to connect with the horse
and the character because I had recently said goodbye
to my dad.
That's the empathy process.
Now, I don't have horses.
I don't live on a ranch.
But I was feeling what they were feeling.
Good stories can do that for us.
They give us an opportunity to practice our empathy skills,
if you will.
And I wanted to jump up and say to that horse,
"I know just how you feel, buddy."
And as you're watching or reading,
notice if you're picking up
on how the characters are feeling.
That's empathy.
Now, let's talk about boundaries.
Emotional boundaries are really important.
I know some people who have a tendency to over-empathize.
I believe therapists call this hyper-empathy.
That's when you're so empathetic you're like a sponge,
and you soak up all the suffering,
the hardship, the difficulties of the people around you
and even stuff you see online.
So if you find yourself
in a really bad mood about something, examine that.
Was there something specific,
some turning point that put you in that mood?
And did this bad thing happen to you
or did it happen to someone else?
Is this your burden to carry, really?
And if you find that you have a tendency to over-empathize,
you may have to put some emotional boundaries up.
Maybe unplug for awhile.
You may have heard of the "Serenity Prayer,"
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change and the courage to change
the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
And you don't have to be religious to see
that that's just good advice.
That's about boundaries.
We have to get clear on where the line is
that separates where another person's problems end
and our responsibilities begin.
We wanna establish healthy boundaries
so we don't over-empathize or hyper-empathize
and then burn out.
We need to be at our emotional best when it really matters.
This video in part was meant to honor my father
and share what I've learned about empathy in the process.
Question of the day,
do you empathize easily with other people,
or do you find it hard to understand
and put yourself in their shoes?
Feel free to post your comments in that section below
and you may want to look at the other video I mentioned
about empathetic listening skills.
I'll put a link to that in the description below as well.
And I look forward to reading your comments.
Thanks, God bless, and I will see you in the next video.
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