Welcome to the InFluency Podcast.
I'm your host, Hadar.
And this is episode number 154.
And today we're going to talk about how to receive compliments.
Stay tuned.
Hey, hey, everyone.
Welcome back.
Thank you so much for tuning in for another episode of the InFluency Podcast.
Now, from the intro you probably realized that what we're going to talk
about today is receiving compliments.
And it's not just about English, obviously, like none of the things we
usually talk about when it comes to mindset, confidence, the psychology of
speaking English has to do with English.
But it's definitely something that is more present when it comes to
English and to the experience of English speakers as a second language.
Now, what do I want to talk about?
I want to talk about the fact that sometimes, and for most people, it is
really hard to receive compliments.
So let's talk about that and think about it.
Does it happen to you?
Meaning, when someone says to you, "Oh, you sound so good!", or "Your
English is great", or "You did such a good job with that presentation".
Do you fully receive that compliment and acknowledge your accomplishments,
and say, "Yes, I sound great!", or "Yes, I did a good job!".
Or is there a voice in your head that says, "No, they're lying", or
"They're just trying to be nice.
That's kind of them."
And instead of saying, "Thank you, I receive it.
I appreciate it", you start using excuses for why you don't really
deserve this compliment, why you are not worthy of that compliment.
"Oh, no.
It was just...
I just practiced it for a while."
"Oh, no.
I actually don't like how I sound."
"Oh, no.
I think my English is not that great."
"Really?..
Do you really think my English is good?
Because I don't really feel that."
Right?
And yes, I'm looking at you.
I am speaking to you right now.
So, here's the thing.
It's not that technical aspect of how you respond to someone, right?
Okay, actually, let's begin with that.
When you receive a compliment, the best thing to do is simply
to say, "Thank you so much".
Right?
And the next thing you can do is to take a moment to acknowledge that.
You know what?
Even if the other person is just saying that to make you feel good, it's this
positive energy that the other person wants to transmit to you and to send you.
And there is room for that.
You need to be able to hold space for someone trying to make you feel good.
But let's assume that they're not just trying to make you feel good.
That you are doing a good job.
That they do think that your English is this or that:
great, fluent, you sound clear.
Why is it so hard for you to believe it?
What makes you find all these reasons why they're not right, or what
you did that made them think that, but, you know, in another situation
things would have been differently.
Now, if this is not the case for you, that's amazing, that's good.
But ask yourself, maybe this is happening in other areas in your life.
As human beings, it seems that it's really hard to receive
compliments and acknowledge them.
Like we don't want other people to praise us.
I mean, we do, we all do, but when it's this one-on-one face-to-face
experience, a lot of times the human experience is all about feeling like
we are not worthy of that praise.
Which, that's the second thing that I wanted to talk about.
The first thing was just, you know, let's just respond with the proper
"Thank you" first and foremost, right?
Train yourself to do that, and not find excuses for why you shouldn't
be receiving this compliment.
But the second thing leads me to the conversation around the imposter syndrome.
And I already released an episode about the imposter syndrome and
speaking English as a second language.
And the imposter syndrome is basically this pattern that most human experience,
according to research, over 70% of human beings experience that.
Which is the inability to celebrate your achievements and successes,
and this constant feeling that what people think that you are or perceive
you as, is not really how you are.
And at some point, someone will discover the truth about
you, and that you are a fraud.
And it's this constant feeling of not being good enough.
Because there is this external expectation of us.
And it's not really external, it's internal.
Because we think it's external.
We put these expectations onto others, by the way, as a side note, right?
But there is this expectation, and we constantly feel like we can live up to it.
Therefore, we feel like we're not good enough.
And connecting it to speaking a second language, you know, we always compare
it to how we are in our native language.
So we always feel like we're not good enough.
I always say, don't compare your English to your native
language - it's not a fair game.
It's not an equal game.
You can't compare those two things.
But it's almost required, right?
Like, cause you know how to speak a language.
But it's not the same language.
It's like, you know how to speak a native language and you know
how to speak a second language.
This is the way you can compare them.
And like I said, it's hard not to compare.
And when you compare, you feel that your English is not good enough
because you know what it feels like to speak fluently, to really speak
fluently without thinking about it.
Because that's what you have in your native language.
And that not enoughness happens constantly in a second language,
even if you're doing really well.
Because even your best work in English, you'll always compare
that to, you know, a mediocre conversation in your native language.
And you'll always feel like it's not enough.
And then when people compliment you on your English, you think to yourself:
"But it's nothing even close to how I know I can do, when it comes
to communication and conversation.
It's so far from it.
It's not enough.
I'm not worthy of this compliment.
And, so that people don't have this high expectation of me, saying that
my English is so good, I'm going to diminish their expectations.
By saying, "Oh, no, it's not that good.
I just practiced a lot today.
I'm just having a good day, but usually I get stuck all the time."
Now, I want you to take a moment and think of all the excuses you've given
to someone, or in your head, right?
Doesn't matter, doesn't matter if you say it out loud or you think it.
Think of all the things that go through your head when you receive a compliment.
Is it a true appreciation and gratitude and pride?
Could be, could be, I'm not saying 'not' if it is 'yes'.
I mean, that's what we want.
Or is it feeling uncomfortable, not trusting the compliment, feeling like
a fraud, maybe it stresses you out?
So, these are questions that you need to reflect.
And, you know, I always say that when it comes to practicing your
English, it requires determination and consistency and repetition, and time.
When it comes to practicing words and sounds, and, you know, the confidence of
speaking, and the flow, and all of that.
But a mindset shift can happen instantaneously: understanding
your patterns and changing them.
Or at least becoming aware of why you do what you do, and when you stop doing it.
Or at least when you become aware of those things, like undermining
any compliment that you receive.
It starts changing those patterns.
And changing those patterns is what will help you reach a breakthrough.
And you know, same goes for apologizing for your English.
Setting the bar low to begin with, so that people don't have expectations.
What if we stopped doing that?
What if, you know, you just go into a conversation as is.
And when you receive a compliment, instead of thinking the other person
is just saying it to make you feel good, what if they actually felt that?
What if you choose to believe them?
That's what it is, it's a choice.
Choose to believe the compliment.
I bet that your experience is going to be so much better.
The feeling that will come out of this choice to believe the compliment is going
to be so much more positive than the feeling of not trusting the compliment,
or finding excuses for why it's not true.
And when the emotion and the feeling is positive, we're excited about English.
We're willing to take challenges.
We speak more.
We dare more.
And isn't this a much better experience when speaking in English.
And it's just the choice, your choice.
It's all about what goes through your head.
So, next time you receive a compliment, think about that.
I still have that conversation with myself, every time I receive a compliment.
Because it doesn't go away the more you do something.
So maybe not about my English, but about other things.
The other day we were in my daughter's school, preparing things for the new year.
And I came across a friend that I haven't seen in a while.
And she looked at me and she said, "Oh, you look great!"
Now, I felt like crap.
I didn't get a lot of sleep, I was wearing my workout clothes.
No makeup, messy hair.
I felt like I should've stayed at home that day.
And the moment she said that, I wanted to say, "What?
I feel so lousy, I'm not in shape.
And all of that."
And, you know, I recognized that voice and I said, "Hadar, receive the compliment.
She thinks you look great.
Say 'thank you'."
And I smiled, and I put my hand on my chest and I said, "Wow, thank you."
And I took it in.
And that's it.
And that made me feel a lot better than going through this
I-look-like-crap conversation in my head.
That, you know, is so easy to go into when you are not at your best.
So, yeah, we do it all the time.
And it may not stop by deciding it to stop.
But what you can stop is what happens when these voices come up.
Okay, I think that's it.
So I'd love to hear what you think.
And if you can, come on over to Instagram, you can find me at @hadar.accentway.
And send me a DM, tell me what you think.
Tell me that you're from the podcast.
And if you feel like it, and if you liked this episode, I would love for you
to rate and even review the podcast on whatever platform you're listening to.
Because it would definitely help more people find this podcast.
And if you find it helpful, then maybe other people will, too.
So, I'd really appreciate your help.
And it shouldn't take more than two minutes to do that.
So, thank you so much again for listening.
And I hope you are well, and safe, and healthy, and
joyful - today, and in general.
Take care.
And I'll catch you next time.