-Today is my final day before a haircut
and our last show in our Captain's quarters
and it's bittersweet because there's so much,
so much, we didn't get to.
For example, I had hoped to introduce
a talking Jon Hamm painting that didn't wanna be here.
-I don't like this bit.
I don't wanna do it.
-I wanted to do a bit about checking in
with my friend Ethan Hawke, who I'd put in charge
of exterminating the wasps in my attic.
-Seth, th-they've taken over, man!
They've learned how to use tools!
It's a -- It's a [bleep] nightmare!
-And I wanted Amy Schumer to be my first, and only,
Captain's quarters in-studio guest.
-You ran out of time?
-I thought your people would've told you.
-No. I've been sitting here for an hour and a half.
I-I --
-Oh, I -- -Can I just plug --
Can I plug my show really quick?
-We really are short on time. -Okay. Should I go?
-That'd be great. Thank you, Amy.
And thank -- I'm so sorry. This is awful.
-Okay.
-And I just need you to, um,
just keep 15 feet.
-15? -Yeah.
-I think it's six.
-I think you can make it right over top of that thing.
Thank you, Amy. -Well, thank you.
-I'm so sorry about this.
-Me too. I really wish I'd known.
I took a ferry, you know.
I took a ferry here.
-You -- Oh. -I was told I could promote
my -- my show. -Boy, oh, boy.
-"Inside Amy Schumer"? -No!
-Oh. -The cooking show!
And just -- but maybe in the city,
I could talk about my show? -That'd be great.
We just didn't have the time.
It's also the last day with all our friends behind me
and I'm happy to report that everyone who went
on this journey with us
found what they were looking for.
-I got a new voice! -I got cleaned.
-Yeah, I got my own podcast
and, if you could tweet about it or whatnot,
my people think that could be very helpful.
-And it turned out the ghost lobster
who long tormented the Sea Captain
only wanted companionship and, once he discovered that,
the Sea Captain not only forgave him,
he offered him the job of first mate on his ship.
-Thank you, Sea Captain.
-Thank you, friend.
-And the Sea Captain, well,
he maybe got the best gift of all.
-I got to participate in a long, psychotic bit
that would have eaten [bleep] in front of a live audience.
-Speaking of psychos... -Final summer segue!
-...yet another of the president's close confidantes,
his former campaign manager and chief strategist,
was arrested today
for a wild scam that captures so much
of what's rotten about Trumpism.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Suspenseful theme plays ]
I don't need to tell you guys that everything's bad
and good news is very rare,
but when it does come along, why not gorge ourselves on it?
Even when it comes later in the day,
causing you to rip up a finished "Closer Look"
and start from scratch.
Hey, you guys remember Steve Bannon,
the white nationalist/ giant pimple
who ran Trump's campaign; then worked in his White House
and helped engineers such odious policies as the Muslim ban
and who publicly defended
the horrific family separation policy;
often wore two shirts, when one would've sufficed?
You know, the dude who had
a crazy-person whiteboard in his office,
with policies scrawled on it,
like "Suspend immigration from terror-prone regions,
Implement new extreme vetting techniques,
and Suspend the Syrian Refugee Program."
I'm shocked it didn't also include
"Brunch with Slenderman" and "kill the Batman."
You know, Steve Bannon,
the gentleman who currently looks
like a guy selling exotic reptiles
on the Venice Beach Boardwalk.
Steve Bannon wasn't born.
He just burst out of someone's chest, Quatto-style.
He looks like a "Where are you now"
about the face-melt skeleton from "Raiders of the Lost Ark."
Look at this. It's like if the Cryptkeeper
spent a month in a tanning booth.
Well, now that we've piled on, we can move on.
Oh! Wait. I forgot. One more thing.
You guys, [ Laughing ] he got arrested.
-News just coming out from the Southern District of New York,
saying Steve Bannon and three other men
have been arrested and indicted and charged,
in relation to their role
in a nonprofit organization called We Build the Wall.
It's a crowdfunding organization that, the FDNY says,
has raised about $25 million for wall-related funding.
What the indictment here is alleging
is that Bannon and his others
were skimming some of the proceeds
from that fundraising for themselves,
even though they had suggested publicly
that this was a volunteer organization
and they were not taking salaries.
-Steve Bannon, through a nonprofit organization
under his control -- nonprofit one,
as it's referred to here in the document --
received over $1 million from We Build the Wall,
at least some of which, they say,
Bannon used to cover hundreds of thousands of dollars
in his own personal expenses.
-You know what, baby? It's been a brutal six months,
so I'm gonna mainline some schadenfreude.
Line that up on a mirror
and give me a dollar bill to snort it with.
[ Snorts ] Whoo!
Seriously, did prosecutors know
this was our last summer show in the Captain's quarters?
Because this is a fantastic parting gift.
That's right, Steve Bannon was arrested
for allegedly skimming $1 million from a scam charity
that claimed to be raising money
to build the Southern border wall.
This is the perfect encapsulation of the Trump era.
From beginning to end, the wall was a nonstop scam.
Trump scammed his supporters
by telling them Mexico would pay for it.
Then, we ended up paying for it.
Then, this baked-potato Fabio over here
said he'd raise money for it.
Then, he scammed everyone again
by allegedly skimming money from it.
It's a Russian nesting doll of fraud.
I can't wait until Bannon raises money for his legal defense fund
and we find out he lost it all at the racetrack.
"Sir, please, we'd love you to leave.
You're scaring the horses."
And, as NBC's Pete Williams reported today,
it's pretty obvious this thing was a scam from the jump.
-According to the court documents,
this We Build the Wall thing came and flamed out quickly.
According to the court documents,
the founder of it, this man, Brian Kolfage,
said that he would not take any of the money,
that it was entirely a volunteer effort,
but it's said he did take a lot of money.
And, as for Steve Bannon, it says
he formed a nonprofit organization that he controlled.
It received about $1 million from this crowdfunding effort,
some of which, the Justice Department says,
he used to cover -- and I'm quoting here now --
"hundreds of thousands of dollars
in Bannon's personal expenses."
The court documents basically say
that this thing was pretty suspect
almost from the beginning.
-I mean, of course it was.
A crowdsourced fundraiser
to build a [bleep] wall in the middle of the desert?
The only way it could've been a more obvious scam is
if they offered free boner pills with every donation.
The thing was one rung below those companies
that claim to name a star after you.
"Oh, yeah, that one up there is -- that's, uh, Dan.
That will be 5,000 bucks.
Cash only."
The details of this arrest
are just absolutely incredible.
Every little tidbit is better than the last.
For example, according to CNN, Bannon was arrested
on a boat Thursday off the eastern coast of Connecticut
by federal agents, along with officials
from the United States Postal Inspection Service.
He got arrested on a boat by the postal service.
The postal service has a navy?!
Please tell me it's just a mail truck with a giant cannon.
Nothin' is more fun than imagining
a bunch of postal service inspectors,
in their short shorts,
boarding a yacht and arresting Steve Bannon
in a dramatic high seas sting operation,
swingin' down on a rope,
carrying letter openers like swords.
How has there never been a "CSI: Post Office"?
Something tells me David Caruso
would definitely come back for that.
[ As Caine ] Looks like this package has been
returned to sender.
-♪ Yeah! ♪
-That's how he held his hands, right,
after he put on his glasses, very delicately, like this?
Like he was still holdin' 'em.
Seriously, think about how perfect this is.
The same public agency Trump is currently trying to destroy,
one of the most cherished public institutions in America,
arrested his former campaign manager
for allegedly skimming money from a fundraiser
for their scam border wall, two days after we found out
Trump's previous campaign manager
colluded with Russian intelligence.
It's like the end of the summer TV season
and they're wrappin' up all the story arcs at once.
This really is such a perfect encapsulation of Trumpism.
It's all a giant grift.
Bannon was gettin' rich, and so was Trump.
The dude's constantly at his own properties.
Lobbyists and foreign officials
stay at his hotels to curry favor.
His sons are goin' around the world,
drummin' up new business.
They're all just fattenin' their wallets
and dolin' out cash to their rich buddies
while they take health insurance and unemployment benefits away
from millions of Americans
who are suffering and out of work.
Trump was asked this afternoon about Bannon's arrest
and all he could muster was this...
-I think it's a very sad thing for Mr. Bannon.
I think it's, uh...
surprising. -Oh, really?
You're surprised? Trump's probably just surprised
Bannon had the idea before him.
[ As Trump ] Jewelry and a boat?
How come I don't have a boat?
My hair would look great flapping in the sea breeze!
Trump then seemed to offer some kind words for Bannon.
-I do think it's a sad event.
And again, Steve has had a great career at Goldman Sachs.
-Oh, Goldman Sachs. Well, that's a surprise.
Those guys have never done anything untoward.
That's like saying, "He was in the mob?! I'm shocked!
He had such a great career in sanitation.
Why would he just throw that away?"
Seriously, at this point, Trump has enough criminals
around him for a [bleep] "Ocean's Eleven" remake.
Of course, that movie would end ten minutes
after Trump gets the team together
and one of them livestreams it on Facebook.
[ As Trump ] Okay, that's the top secret plan.
Lev, I can't help but notice you're making
a front-facing video right now and it seems like,
based on the beeps that are comin' outta your phone,
you're gettin' live feedback on it."
These guys just cycle through one scam after another.
Remember, even before he became president, thanks to not one,
but two criminal conspiracies on his behalf,
then got impeached for trying to orchestrate another one,
he settled a fraud lawsuit over Trump University.
His charity was dissolved for misusing funds.
He was even sued over a scam vitamin company
and, now, he's doing it all over again.
-President Trump says the White House is looking
into a new, unproven coronavirus treatment,
called oleandrin.
It's made from the oleander plant.
It's extremely toxic.
It's been used in coronavirus trials involving monkeys,
but it's been never tested on people.
-I've heard of it, yes.
It is something that people
are talking about very strongly.
We'll look at it. We'll look at it.
We're looking at a lot of different things.
-Okay, first of all, anytime you ask Trump
a question about anything, he's gonna respond
by saying, "We're looking at it."
He'll never admit he doesn't know what you're talkin' about.
It's why he will never fall for a prank question.
If you ask Trump, "Sir, does smell
like updog in here?" He would say...
[ As Trump ] People are saying it
and we're looking at it very strongly.
We're looking at updog.
We're looking at downdog.
We're looking at all of the dog directions.
You know, we have the best updog in the world.
A lotta people -- A lotta people are saying it.
You're hearing it more and more under Trump.
Very little -- No one was talking about updog
under Obama!
[ Clears throat ]
I made myself choke, doing a Trump impression.
So, now, Trump is touting a plant extract
to cure coronavirus.
Honestly, it's only a matter of time
before he shows up on the White House lawn
with some crystals and a dreamcatcher.
The guy will fall for literally any old-person scam.
I'm convinced the only way we'll get him out of the White House
is by selling him a reverse mortgage
and waiting for him to default.
[ As Trump ] Damn it!
I knew you'd betray me, Magnum!
Not only is oleandrin not a COVID cure,
it's a deadly plant poison.
So, now, he's suggested ingesting bleach,
hydroxychloroquine, and a deadly plant poison.
[ As Trump ] Even better, combine those three in a bowl
with some Sudafed and battery acid.
Dunk your bare ass in it.
You should be totally cured.
Now, it will not surprise you to learn
Trump did not get this idea from a doctor
or one of his actual medical experts that works for him.
He got it from yet another one
of his many snake oil salesmen he surrounds himself with.
-Mike Lindell is the CEO and founder of MyPillow.
He is also the chair of President Trump's
reelection campaign in Minnesota.
He reportedly helped arrange an Oval Office meeting
with the president in July about oleandrin.
Lindell tells CNN the president was enthusiastic.
-Just for our viewers, you have no medical background.
You're not a scientist.
A guy called you in April, said he had this product.
You are now on the board and going to make money
from the sale of this product. -No. No, no, no.
-The reason he reached out to you is
because you have the ear of the president,
so he gets a meeting with the president
and you stand to make money from this.
-That's your narrative. -How do you sleep at night?
-Anderson, that's your narrative.
Why would I do this? Ask yourself why I would
-Money. -ruin my reputation
if I didn't believe -You don't have
-in this product. -a great reputation.
You don't have a great reputation. -Oh, really?
-Yeah! MyPillow guy thinks he has a great reputation.
Though, when people know ya as the MyPillow guy,
instead of your actual name,
you don't have a great reputation.
You're just one rung above Keyboard Cat.
No one knew the cat's name, unless it was Keyboard Cat.
I don't think it was.
I mean, this whole thing is like the Question Mark guy
demanding a table at the Palm and screaming,
"Don't you know who I am?!"
So the MyPillow guy has the ear of the president
and is pushing him to advertise a deadly plant toxin
as a cure for coronavirus.
This guy, I mean, he's just dead set
on puttin' people to sleep, one way or another.
We are living inside a [bleep] 3:00 am infomercial.
We can't give you ventilators or unemployment benefits,
but every American will be getting
a Shake Weight and a Slanket.
What all this proves is that the country is currently being ruled
by a deranged political coalition
that's incapable of governing and is interested only
in enriching himself at the expense of voters.
And, now, they've left the country in ruins
while they're lining their own pockets.
A thousand Americans are dying a day,
tens of millions are out of work,
and many more suffering, and the president's cronies
are cashing in with boats and jewelries,
and hawking scam plant toxins.
Donald Trump badly botched the response to a deadly plague
that has left 170,000 Americans dead
and caused the worst economic crash
since the Great Depression.
We have outbreaks in schools.
Parents don't know what to do about child care.
Veterans aren't getting their prescriptions in the mail.
Everything from the school system
to the post office is broken.
The post office.
We had to come together to save the post office!
It's like something out of a '80s teen comedy.
"Come on, guys! If we win Battle of the Bands,
we can use the money to save the post office!
Whoa! Is it just me?
Can that werewolf play guitar?"
Trump is not unique and he's not an anomaly.
Bannon and the MyPillow guy
and all the Republicans enabling him prove that.
They're all Trump.
And the only way out of this mess is
a thorough national rejection of their toxic ideology.
It won't save anything, but it is a start.
And, if that doesn't work, I guess we can just rely
on the postal service to take him down.
After all, if today's news is any indication, it's...
-Something that people are talking about very strongly.
-This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
Tonight ends a run of 68 out-of-studio shows
that began in March, shows we did from hallways,
garages, attics, and, of course,
here in the Captain's quarters, aka, my in-laws' house.
Our remote shows started bumpy
and, while they never got totally smooth,
I do think they got a little better.
And, for that, I wanna thank, among other people, Matt Parker.
I don't know Matt, but when this first started,
he made a YouTube video with tips
on how late night hosts could better produce shows from home,
and I reached out to him and he was an incredible resource.
He was so helpful and it was a real reminder
of how amazing a place the Internet can be
when good people use it with kindness.
And I do want to thank everybody who watched this show,
everyone who engaged with us,
everyone who voted in our Sea Captain polls,
because I have not had a single person in the room with me
for any of these shows,
but I have never once felt alone.
And, in these awful, stressful times,
that was such an incredible gift.
I want to thank my crew in New York, who figured this out;
my writing staff, who didn't miss a beat.
I want to thank my many friends who recorded voice-overs for me.
And, Sea Captain, if it's not too much to ask,
could you take us out with a song?
-Sure thing, Seth.
-♪ When I find myself ♪
♪ In times of trouble ♪
-Oh, sorry, Sea Captain. We can't --
We can't clear that song.
-Oh, right, right.
Well, how about a little sea shanty, then?
-Great.
[ Birds squawking ]
-♪ The moon is full, the sea is calm ♪
♪ We're ready to depart ♪
♪ No way to know the ending ♪
♪ When you're standing at the start ♪
♪ And for all those lads and lasses ♪
♪ Waving at the pier ♪
♪ Let this be the last song ♪
♪ That they this night shall listen to ♪
♪ Oh, goodbye, goodbye ♪
♪ I'll see you on the other side ♪
♪ For what goes out comes in again ♪
♪ Just like the rising tide ♪
♪ When life is tough and the water's rough ♪
♪ Have a good friend at your side ♪
-♪ Goodbye ♪
-Aah! -♪ Goodbye ♪
♪ I'll see you on the other side ♪
♪ Oh, this past half year has been severe ♪
♪ On that we all agree ♪
♪ But have no doubt we'll make it out ♪
♪ If I have you here with me ♪
♪ So batten down the hatches, boys ♪
♪ And pull your mask on tight ♪
♪ I promise there'll be mornin' ♪
♪ If we make it through the night, oh ♪
-♪ Goodbye ♪ -♪ Goodbye ♪
-♪ See you on the other side ♪
-♪ For what goes out comes in again ♪
♪ Just like the rising tide ♪
♪ It's not the road I woulda chose ♪
♪ But I sure enjoyed the ride ♪ -[ Laughing ]
-♪ Goodbye, goodbye ♪
♪ I'll see you on the other side ♪
♪ Oh, goodbye ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪
♪ I'll see you on the other ♪
♪ Side! ♪
[ Birds squawking ]
♪ Side ♪
-Stay safe.
-Wash your hands.
-Wear a mask.
-All: We love you.
[ Shuffling ]
-Daddy, it's time to go.
-It's time to go?
But, Axel. -What?
-Where does that door lead?
-I don't know.
-That's all I need to know.
Let's go, boys.
-Why? -Just, we're gonna go.
-No, not another time! We said it --
-Don't give away how many times we've done this.
-Yes!
-[ Laughing ] -[ Claps ]