WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
LADIES AND GENTLEMENT, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU CAN FEEL THAT.
YOU CAN FEEL THAT.
THAT'S AMAZING-- THAT'S-- THAT'S-- ONLY A LIVE SHOW IS
LIKE THAT, RIGHT THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S IT.
BECAUSE THE TRUTH SLOOK AT THAT, WE ARE-- WE ARE LIVE RIGHT NOW,
AND BARELY CONSCIOUS FOLLOWING A 90-MINUTE SPEECH.
THERE WERE SOME BRIGHT SPOTS IN THIS SPEECH.
THERE WERE REALLY SOME HEARTWARMING MOMENTS.
SOME AMAZING PEOPLE THERE WERE IN THE GALLERY.
CONGRESSMAN STEVE SCALISE, WHO SURVIVED AN ATTACK ON THAT
SOFTBALL FIELD.
A POLICE OFFICER WHO SAVED A BABY, A
YOUNG BOY WHO'S PUTTING FLAGS ON SOLDIERS' GRAVES, AND FAMILIES
WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH UNSPEAKABLE TRAGEDIES.
HONESTLY, SOME OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, MOST IMPRESSIVE
AMERICANS YOU COULD IMAGINE.
AND THE PRESIDENT WAS THERE, TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) GOING INTO THIS, GOING INTO THE
EVENING, THE BAR, THE BAR FOR SUCCESS WAS PRETTY LOW, OKAY.
HE JUST HAD TO STAY ON SCRIPT, NO MATTER WHAT.
AND HE DID, WHICH WAS IMPRESSIVE, CONSIDERING
EVERYTHING DEMOCRATS DID TO DISTRACT HIM.
THERE HE IS.
NOW, GO TO THE OTHER ANGLE, JIM.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
HERE'S ONE UNUSUAL THING WE FOUND OUT RIGHT BEFORE THE
SPEECH-- THE FIRST LADY TRAVEL TO THE SPEECH IN A SEPARATE CAR.
I GUESS MELANIA DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING FROM THE BURGER KING
DRIVE-THROUGH.
I COULD GO FOR SOME ONION RINGS.
BUT WHEN THE PRESIDENT ENTERED, THE CAMERAS CAUGHT MELANIA
LOOKING RADIANTLY... HAPPY?
THE NIGHT BEGAN WITH ONE HUGE SURPRISE-- TRUMP WAS ABLE TO
LIFT A GLASS WITH ONE HAND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AS PART-- AT THE BEGINNING OF
THE SPEECH, HE LISTED SOME OF THE NATURAL DISASTERS WE'VE
ENDURED THIS YEAR.
>> WE HAVE ENDURED FLOODS AND FIRES AND STORMS.
>> Stephen: AND STORMYS!
DON'T FORGET HER ( LAUGHTER )
SHE WAS ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE DISASTERS FOR YOU,
PERSONALLY.
AND HE REACHED OUT TO THOSE STILL RECOVERING.
>> TO EVERYONE STILL RECOVERING IN TEXAS, FLORIDA, LOUISIANA,
PUERTO RICO, AND THE VIRGIN ISLANDS-- EVERYWHERE-- WE ARE
WITH YOU, WE LOVE YOU, AND WE ALWAYS WILL PULL THROUGH
TOGETHER, ALWAYS >> Stephen: THAT IS GOING TO BE
A COMFORTING MESSAGE TO PEOPLE OF PUERTO RICO, ONCE THEY HAVE
ELECTRICITY TO TURN ON THEIR TVs.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STILL A MILLION PEOPLE, RIGHT?
A MILLION PEOPLE IN PUERTO RICO STILL DON'T HAVE POWER.
AND HE FOLLOWED UP ON THAT INN SEPARATIONAL TONE.
>> IF THERE IS A MOUNTAIN, WE CLIMB IT.
IF THERE IS A FRONTIER, WE CROSS IT.
IF THERE IS A CHALLENGE, WE TAME IT.
IF THERE IS AN OPPORTUNITY, WE SEIZE IT.
>> Stephen: "IF THERE'S A BURGER, WE EAT IT.
( LAUGHTER ) IF THERE IS A PORN STAR, WE BONE
IT.
( LAUGHTER ) IF THERE'S AN IMMIGRANT, WE
DEPORT IT.
IF THERE'S AN INVESTIGATION, WE UNDERMINE IT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"I BELIEVE THAT.
I BELIEVE THAT WITH ALL WHATEVER'S IN HERE."
AND HE BOASTED ABOUT CREATING MINORITY JOBS.
>> AFRICAN-AMERICAN UNEMPLOYMENT STANDS AT THE LOWEST RATE
EVER RECORDED.
>> Stephen: WELL, THERE WAS ONE TIME WHEN AFRICAN AMERICAN
UNEMPLOYMENT WAS AT ZERO, BUT ONLY HALF OF TRUMP'S BASE WANTS
TO GO BACK THERE.
BIT-- I SAID HALF!
-- BUT-- WITH STATS LIKE THAT, YOU HAVE TO IMAGINE AFRICAN
AMERICAN LEADERS MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY IMPRESSED.
AND I STAND CORRECTED.
ALL RIGHT, MY MISTAKE.
THE SPEECH WAS A HUGE HIT WITH REPUBLICANS.
JUST LOOK HOW EXCITED MITCH McCONNELL WAS.
ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I BELIEVE WE DO HAVE FOOTAGE OF McCONNELL MORE EXCITED.
( LAUGHING ) >> Stephen: SO HAPPY!
SO HAPPY!
JUST DANCING A SHOE!
JUST DANCING WITH A SHOE.
HE'LL FIND CINDERELLA EVENTUALLY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP TOOK TIME TO BOAST
ABOUT HIS NEW TAX PLAN.
>> TO LOWER TAX RATES FOR HARDWORKING AMERICANS, WE NEARLY
DOUBLED THE STANDARD DEDUCTION FOR EVERYONE.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW THE FIRST $24,000 EARNED BY
A MARRIED COUPLE IS COMPLETELY TAX-FREE.
>> Stephen: A BENEFIT TRUMP WILL BE ENJOYING FOR A FEW MORE
WEEKS, AT LEAST.
ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN-- WHO KNOWS.
THEY'LL MAKE IT TO APRIL 15.
ONCE AGAIN, HE INSPIRED WITH HIS SOARING WORDS.
>> ALL OF US TOGETHER AS ONE TEAM, ONE PEOPLE, AND ONE
AMERICAN FAMILY CAN DO ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: YES, "ONE" AMERICAN FAMILY CAN DO ANYTHING: PROMOTE
YOUR SHOE BRAND, USE YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO THE PRESIDENT TO
SELL REAL ESTATE IN CHINA-- ANYTHING.
PLUS, PLUS-- ( APPLAUSE )
YES.
GIVE IT UP FOR THE TRUMPS.
GIVE IT UP.
FAMILY VALUES.
PLUS, HE WENT TO AN OLD AMERICAN FAVORITE:
>> WE ALL SHARE THE SAME HOME, THE SAME HEART, THE SAME
DESTINY, AND THE SAME GREAT AMERICAN FLAG.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
BECAUSE DOWN IN CHARLOTTESVILLE I SAW YOUR SUPPORTERS CARRYING
TWO OTHER FLAGS.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M PRETTY SURE.
I SAW THAT.
I SAW THAT, DIDN'T I?
>> Jon: ♪ YEAH, I SAW IT ♪
>> Stephen: ONE OF THEM HAD A SPIDER ON IT OR SOMETHING.
I'M NOT SURE.
IF BUT TRUMP GAVE IT UP FOR THE
AMERICAN WAY.
>> IN AMERICA, WE KNOW THAT FAITH AND FAMILY, NOT GOVERNMENT
AND BUREAUCRACY, ARE THE CENTER OF THE AMERICAN LIFE.
( APPLAUSE ) OUR MOTTO IS "IN GOD WE TRUST."
>> Stephen: YES, THAT'S THE FIRST HALF.
THE SECOND HALF IS "OH, GOD, MAKE THIS STOP."
AND I PRAY-- I PRAY, LORD.
WHAT DID WE DO?
WE'RE SORRY.
AND HE TOUTED HIS FOSSIL FUEL ENERGY POLICY.
>> WE HAVE ENDED THE WAR ON AMERICAN ENERGY, AND WE HAVE
ENDED THE WAR ON BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN COAL.
>> Stephen: "GOD, IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
THAT COAL HAS A HIGH, TIGHT, SAA.
I TELL YOU, IF I WEREN'T BURNING IT, I MIGHT BE DATING IT."
BUT CIRC SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY, SIR--
WAR ON CLEAN COAL?
YOU CAN'T START OR END A WAR ON SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T EXIST.
"SOON WE'LL END THE WARS ON SASQUATCHES, UNICORNS, AND
MODERATE REPUBLICANS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "ANYBODY FIND ONE?
DID YOU FIND ONE?
NO?
PUT DOWN A LITTLE TRAP WITH, LIKE, A MUFFIN IN IT."
♪ ♪ ♪ THE PRESIDENT THEN RENEWED--
THANK YOU, JON-- RENEWED HIS ATTACK ON GOVERNMENT WORKERS.
>> SO TONIGHT, I CALL ON THE CONGRESS TO EMPOWER EVERY
CABINET SECRETARY WITH THE AUTHORITY TO REWARD GOOD WORKERS
AND TO REMOVE FEDERAL EMPLOYEES WHO UNDERMINE THE PUBLIC TRUST
OR FAIL THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: WHOEVER THEY ARE, BE THEY THE DIRECTOR OR THE
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF THE F.B.I, EVEN A SPECIALPROSECUTOR-- OUT."
>> Jon: OH, WOW, WOW.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW I'M IMITATING HIM, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE ALL-- WE'RE ALL FRIENDS
HERE.
I THINK.
FOR NOW.
AND HE HIT ONE OF HIS FAVORITE THEMES ON HEALTHCARE.
>> ONE OF MY GREATEST PRIORITIES IS TO REDUCE THE PRICE OF
PRESCRIPTION DRUGS.
>> Stephen: OH, GOOD.
DRUGS WOULD HAVE REALLY HAVE HELPED ME GET THROUGH THIS
SPEECH.
AND HE CALLED-- AS WE KNEW HE WOULD, AS WE KNEW HE WOULD.
DRUGS!
WE LOVE DRUGS!
AND HE CALLED FOR MORE JOBS, JOBS, JOBS.
>> WE WANT EVERY AMERICAN TO KNOW THE DIGNITY OF A HARD
DAY'S WORK.
>> Stephen: "THEN THEY CAN TELL ME ABOUT IT WHEN I GET HOME FROM
GOLF.
I HEAR EYE HEAR GREAT THINGS ABOUT WORK."
AND HE LAID OUT-- HE LAID OUT-- HE LAID OUT WHAT AMERICANS
DESERVED.
>> AMERICANS LOVE THEIR COUNTRY, AND THEY DESERVE A GOVERNMENT
THAT SHOWS THEM THE SAME LOVE AND LOYALTY IN RETURN.
>> Stephen: "AND IF THEIR GOVERNMENT ISN'T THAT LOYAL
WITH THEIR LOVE, THEY GET $130,000 TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT
IT."
I'M NOT SURE, DOES THE LOVE-- ALLEGEDLY, ALLEGEDLY.
AND HE LOOKED BACK ON HIS ADMINISTRATION'S WORK OVER THE
PAST YEAR.
>> FOR THE LAST YEAR, WE HAVE SOUGHT TO RESTORE THE BONDS OF
TRUST BETWEEN OUR CITIZENS AND THEIR GOVERNMENT.
>> Stephen: WELL, BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, IN THAT VEIN, TRUMP DID TRY
TO UNIFY.
>> SO TONIGHT, I AM EXTENDING AN OPEN HAND
>> Stephen: GOD, WOMEN!
GET OUT OF THERE!
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
OPEN HAND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND TRUMP LAUDED HIS IMMIGRATION
POLICIES AS GOOD FOR EVERYONE.
>> STRUGGLING COMMUNITIES, ESPECIALLY IMMIGRANT
COMMUNITIES, WILL ALSO BE HELPED BY IMMIGRATION POLICIES THAT
FOCUS ON THE BEST INTERESTS OF AMERICAN WORKERS AND AMERICAN
FAMILIES.
>> Stephen: YES, TRUMP UNDERSTANDS THE PROBLEM FACING
STRUGGLING IMMIGRANT COMMUNITIES: TOO MANY
IMMIGRANTS?
I DON'T... LET'S MOVE ON.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HE OUTLINED JUST WHO HE
DOESN'T WANT IN AMERICA.
>> UNDER THE CURRENT BROKEN SYSTEM, A SINGLE IMMIGRANT CAN
BRING IN VIRTUALLY UNLIMITED NUMBERS OF DISTANT RELATIVES.
( BOOS ) UNDER OUR PLAN, WE FOCUS ON THE
IMMEDIATE FAMILY.
>> Stephen: YEAH, BOO...
FAMILIES?
I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK TRUMP'S IMMIGRATION PLAN IS HOT
SINGLES ONLY!
AND HE SPOKE-- >> Jon: OH, WOW.
>> Stephen: HE SPOKE-- SOME SINGLE PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT.
SOME HOT SINGLES IN THE HOUSE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WAITING FOR YOUR CALL.
AND HE SPOKE OF THREATS AROUND THE WORLD.
>> AROUND THE WORLD, WE FACE ROGUE REGIMES, TERRORIST GROUPS,
AND RIVALS LIKE CHINA AND RUSSIA THAT CHALLENGE OUR INTERESTS,
OUR ECONOMY, AND OUR VALUES.
>> Stephen: "AND WE WILL STOP THEM ANYWAY WE CAN, EXCEPT
IMPLEMENTING THE RUSSIA SANCTIONS YOU GUYS VOTED FOR.
HI, VLAD."
( LAUGHTER ) "I KILLED IT.
I KILLED THE WHOLE THING, 98-2, I CUT IT."
BUT HE SPOKE OUT STRONGLY AGAINST TERRORIST ACTORS.
>> TERRORISTS WHO DO THINGS LIKE PLACE BOMBS IN CIVILIAN
HOSPITALS ARE EVIL.
>> Stephen: WHERE DOES HE FIND THE COURAGE TO CALL PEOPLE WHO
BOMB HOSPITALS EVIL?
TRULY, TODAY, DONALD TRUMP BECAME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
( APPLAUSE ) AND HE GOT TOUGH WITH THE
TERRORISTS.
>> WHEN POSSIBLE, WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ANNIHILATE THEM.
WHEN NECESSARY, WE MUST BE ABLE TO DETAIN AND QUESTION THEM.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, AFTER WE ANNIHILATE THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S OUR MOTTO: ANNIHILATE
FIRST, REALIZE WE CAN'T ASK DEAD GUYS QUESTIONS LATER.
AND HE SPOKE TO AMERICA'S COLONIAL PAST.
>> IT WAS THAT SAME YEARNING FOR FREEDOM THAT NEARLY 250
YEARS AGO GAVE BIRTH TO A SPECIAL PLACE CALLED AMERICA.
IT WAS A SMALL CLUSTER OF COLONIES CAUGHT BETWEEN A GREAT
OCEAN AND A VAST WILDERNESS >> Stephen: "WITH NO PEOPLE IN
IT.
JUST WAITING FOR REAL ESTATE DEVELOPERS.
OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THE ARAPAHO DIDN'T PUT UP CONDOS.
BEAUTIFUL LAND.
COULD HAVE PUT UP A CASINO THEN."
OF COURSE, TRUMP DID NOT MENTION THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
HE HOPES THAT GOES AWAY.
BUT, I MEAN, EVEN IF THE PRESIDENT AND HIS CAMPAIGN AIDES
MEMBERS OF HIS FAMILY, WERE CONVICTED OF CONSPIRACY
WITH A HOSTILE FOREIGN POWER, WHERE WOULD WE SEND THEM?
>> IN MANY CASES, FOR THEM, IT WILL NOW BE GUANTANAMO BAY.
>> Stephen: OH, GOOD.
AT LEAST HE'S GOT A PLAN.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.