i was just just trying to record this video and realized for the first
20 minutes i didn't even have mike on wow okay i'm a quarter of a century old now i'm officially
halfway through my 20s a question popped into my head recently would 20 year old me be
happy and proud of who i am today so i spent my 25th birthday fluctuating through periods of
joy and existential crisis and through the ebbs and flows i started to ask myself what did 20 year
old me want out of life like where would he see himself now so let's take it back to 2016. what
was i doing what did i want well um vlogging vlogs vlogger i didn't necessarily want to be youtube
famous or anything like that but i wanted to have a successful and sustainable youtube channel built
off of my cinematic vlogs i was beginning to shift away from my old goal of being a professional
photographer and vlogging was kind of an unintentional experiment that happened when i got
my first sony mirrorless camera so needless to say i kind of went all in it's funny to look back and
kind of cringe at myself in these moments but this was 2016. like vlogging was the thing it seems
like almost every creator went through some sort of phase of attempting vlogging or daily vlogs
you know the cinematic sequences slow motion b-roll over-the-top music but in all honesty
this was probably the first phase of my career that i became genuinely determined to succeed in
starting at my youtube channel kind of gave me some confidence and maybe even a little bit of an
ego boost like especially once i got to that point you know cracking a thousand subscribers the views
kind of slowly start trickling in i was getting dms from a ton of new people emails on occasion
from various brands like this was the point that i was like wow this is it like this has potential
and thus the hustle to grow and build this youtube channel began coming out of high school
not going to college even though i did well in my classes nothing ever really clicked like no
major interests or career aspirations i think that subconscious weight of not having a plan
if you will really made me hyper concerned of what i thought others would think about what i
was doing with my life my youtube channel and my first videos were really my first taste of
feeling like i was doing something different and unique i didn't recognize it at the time but not
everything about this was a good thing my entire persona basically became like trendy vlogger when
it came to who i was like my self-image the social circles i was in i definitely think a lot of the
things i was doing were heavily dictated by what i thought other people would think
i wanted my peers and my audience to be impressed with the work i was creating to be like damn
he knows what he's doing i wanted to look like i was always working and grinding you know like
making moves i was heavily inspired by some of the local pros around me who i had met
you know guys who were a little older than me endlessly improving and creating incredible
work i was hungry and motivated to just find my style yeah admittedly along the way i probably
copied a few things from those i looked up to but honestly who didn't when they first started i
wanted to create and grow and do it fast i i think at the start of 2017 my goal was to hit 100k on
youtube in like two years something like that i really wasn't afraid to make bad stuff
just churning out videos and really not worried about the overall outcome in my mind the more
content i was creating the more consistent i was posting the better as long as i was still growing
my brand the quality at the end of the day didn't really mean much to me simply put 20 year old ryan
was an aspiring up-and-coming vlogger well you youtuber fast forward to today five years later
i'm definitely not a famous vlogger but i don't think that's any surprise to any
of you a lot has changed since then so many of my original hopes and goals have
simply died along the way and many others have come to replace them everything about my creative
aspirations and motivations have dramatically shifted from grinding and cranking out content to
slowing down and honing in on the story and messages i share with the world i'm no longer
a vlogger that's plain and simple in fact i in a lot of ways wouldn't even call myself a youtuber
anymore i'm now a cinematographer a storyteller honestly what i'm doing now is probably not
what i think i would have hoped for as 20 year old me youtube has kind of now taken a back seat
in my current life and i think as much as a lot of people probably consider me a full-time youtuber i
simply aim to make videos that inspire me and hopefully share some value and knowledge with
you guys along the way i spend a large majority of my time off this platform and creating for brands
that i honestly never thought i would work with in my entire life yes it's been a matter of just five
short years but the pathway to this point has been long and rough in a lot of ways a lot of periods
of confusion and self-doubt that have ultimately pushed me in a better direction on top of changes
in goals and content my personal life began to shift in ways that i never would have imagined
five years ago and i can't believe it took me as long as it did but in the last year especially
i've come to realize just how important it is to surround yourself with people who
genuinely support and encourage what you do and look i get that this is easier said than done but
the subconscious effects of even a few people in your life who casually joke about your path
or the work that you do or people who simply don't encourage you can massively impact your growth in
multiple aspects look at it this way if you want to grow a healthy garden you've got to pluck the
weeds it's important to do some housekeeping in the prefrontal cortex from time to time the
creative community is honestly something really special when you take the time to start up a few
meaningful conversations with people who are in your niche it's no secret that being a content
creator is in many ways kind of a lonely path it's an uphill battle most of the time over time i
realized that without a good support system my own self-doubt and criticism would inevitably eat me
alive two years into my creative career i realized that my mental health or lack of care for it
turned me into someone i just didn't recognize i have no shame in admitting that i was dealing with
fairly severe undiagnosed depression and anxiety a lot of which that i can now conclusively say
definitely stemmed from some of the unhealthy and toxic mindsets and relationships that i put myself
in had i realized this sooner i probably could have avoided massive creative ruts and a lot of
personal failures i made the decision in 2020 to go on medication for my depression and anxiety i
also now have a group of peers that truly support the things that i do i have a better relationship
with my audience really the creative community as a whole that motivates me to keep going and as
of last week a fiance who's by my side every step of the way i've learned that it's okay to ask for
help and seek guidance and reassurance from others the truth is is that there's a good chance that
20 year old me might not be completely satisfied with where i am today in fact i'm confident that
i'm much happier now than i would have been if i had stuck to the path that i set for myself
five years ago when i was five i wanted to be a professional motorcycle writer so i'm sure
that if i could talk to a five-year-old me he'd probably be pretty underwhelmed with the fact that
i'm doing commercial video work and that's okay because i wouldn't expect a five-year-old to have
the best measure of success or happiness and if i'm being honest i think that's the case for a lot
of people even in their early adulthood at least it was for me it's easy to dream about success but
it's really difficult to account for the obstacles that you might face along the way 20 year old me
daydreamed about being a famous vlogger you know what he didn't see a year-long bout with
depression that turned into an identity crisis i do not know where i'll be when i'm 30 and i sure
as hell don't know what obstacles i'll face along the way what i do know is that i'm more prepared
than ever to take care of myself i know what signs to look out for when things start getting bad and
i now know how to ask for help when i do see those signs before i go i want to thank the sponsor of
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cow at checkout thank you cuts for sponsoring and supporting these videos anyways so cheers to 25
thank you guys for bearing with me along the way i'll see you guys in the next video
you