ROXY MENTIONS:
Now what you singles are not finna do
is act like virgins.
It's an open bar
so don't not turn up. Drink your drink.
Drink your drink. I'm yours. Roxy Mentions.
And I don't not wanna welcome you
to the 25th annual
Mingling with Mentions singles event.
It will not be a good time.
(ANNA CHEERS)
Don't worry if you don't understand
because she still makes sense.
I've been coming to these singles events
since 1997. (LAUGHS)
So she said... (CLEARS THROAT)
-"Welcome, have a good time." -ROXY: That's right.
Now what we not finna do
is not play a fun game so you can meet your match.
You better not not line up
and get a playing card. (VOCALIZING)
Oh shit! (CHUCKLES)
Come on, let's find our number, y'all. Let's--
Come on, come on. Get a card. Get a card.
Let's play this game.
Nobody plays games more than Roxy, bitches.
Other than Lavante over there. I see you.
ROXY: I said we got Lavante, a cheating ass,
in the house tonight.
Men don't not grab a blue card.
Ladies don't not grab a red.
Then what you not finna do is not find your match.
Ok, I know I'mma get this wrong.
You know I messed up my brother's wedding
-by kissing the bride? -You what?
I follow what the pastor says.
So, uh... So which deck am I supposed to pick here?
The men grab a blue card,
-the ladies grab a red card. -Okay.
And then what you do is you find the person
of the opposite sex
with the same number and suit as you.
Oh, I appreciate that, bottom-bubbalicious.
Ain't that not what I didn't say,
why y'all acting all confused.
But don't worry, there's no jokers in the deck.
The only jokers are in this room! Lavante.
ROXY: You better not not gon' find your match.
And what you not finna do is be a wallflower.
You best not not hurry up.
-I got you? -Yes!
Oh, I'm so happy I got you.
-All right, my name is Jaybrien. -Hi, Jaybrien.
I'm so happy I matched up with somebody
who knows what's going on here.
You know, trying to understand Roxy's Lil' Wayne sounding ass
is like watching a horror trailer
which has no business in the preview of a comedy.
-Well, don't worry. I got you. -You have?
-Mhmm. I do. -Okay.
My name is Anna. (GIGGLES)
I am so happy to be here because Roxy's mind,
it really fascinates me.
It reminds me of the blackboard
-from
Let me know if you wanna... (SMACKS) ...beat my erasers.
Oh yes, I'd like to beat so much more.
-Ooh! (GIGGLES) -(EXHALES)
You two are so cute I can't not aw!
Aw!
Now everyone else you better not not gon' find your match.
It's time to dance!
I'm finna play something y'all ass-shakers
can't not relate to.
-(RECORD SCRATCHES) -DJ, hit it!
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) -Yes!
ROXY: You better not make it bounce like a beignet.
(VOCALIZING)
♪ Bad bitches to the front They be shaking ass ♪
-♪ Come show me what you got ♪ -♪ Shake shake that ♪
♪ Bad bitches to the front They be shaking ass ♪
♪ Come show me what you got ♪
♪ You got to shake it Shake it shake it Then you go get it ♪
If you ain't throwing that, I'd get the hell out.
If you ain't throwing now, go get the hell out.
(ROXY CHEERS)
Bounce that ass. Bounce, bounce that ass.
Bo-bo-bo-bo-bounce that ass.
No! Roxy.
Come on, Roxy.
Give it to my straight. Is he cheating?
-Lemme know. -(GROWLS)
-No, don't tell me. Yes, tell me! -(BOTH GROWLING)
Girl, what I'm not finna say is something that's not not
gonna not not be easy to hear.
You should not know him not not cheating girl.
Not not, carry the not...
Oh, he is cheating!
That's not a no, but ain't that not what you didn't hire me for?
-Hey! -Bounce them coochies, y'all.
Caught yo ass, Jaybrien!
Steph! Uh... It isn't not what it looks like.
You just said it's exactly what it looks like.
Exactly, are you stupid?
You're not Roxy, you can't talk like her.
-She's a professional. -You know what, forget it!
We were together for six years. Long distance.
And I know we've grown apart over time,
but I'm not leaving Maine.
My neck bead business has popped off.
You know what, I can't go to Maine
'cause I'm terrified of lobsters.
(SIGHS) It's ok.
Now you're just free to date whoever you want.
This beautiful woman or anyone.
And also so can I.
I can date anyone I want too, also.
Someone gotta run my neck bead business.
-Here, take my card. -Oh, headphones?
Yeah, no. Neck beads. It's like for your waist beads,
but you wear them on your neck.
Thank you, Neck Beads by Steph.
Lemme talk to you, baby. Roxy Mentions knows a scam
when she doesn't not see one.
You hired me to set him up to cheat
so you could end your relationship guilt-free.
Mm-mm, Miss Thang.
It's not not what I did.
Well don't not be surprised when I charge you double
for the additional resolution.
Oh, what you not gonna do is outsmart me.
ROXY:
(VOCALIZING) On his balls, on his balls, on his balls.
(VOCALIZING)