Tonight we're gonna talk about dick pics.
[ Audience whooping ]
Yeah, agreed.
Guys are sending them out all willy nilly
with really no effort, no artistry.
I mean, it's like they haven't even considered
that we're gonna share them with all of our friends.
[ Laughter ]
Dick pics are just lazy,
and I wanted to prove that there was more that we could do
with their junk.
So I found some dudes on Craigslist,
and I hired a professional photographer
so we could take their dongs to the next level.
[ Cheers and applause ]
All right, guys, I know what I like to see in dick pics,
and it's not what you all have provided.
I want to see you.
I want to see what you're into.
I want to see your interests.
Or I just want to see your dick.
I'll show it to you.
I will see it later.
[ Laughter ]
Let's do it.
It's awesome.
I love that you left your socks on.
That's a great look.
I want to showcase you as, like, a foodie for this picture.
I want to put your dick in a bánh mi bun.
-[ Laughs ] -If you want mayonnaise,
you have to supply that yourself, but, like, we'll...
We're good. [ Chuckles ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Laughs ]
I want to focus on something that a girl would be like,
"Ooh, like, he's well read."
So let's just set your dick on a book.
Maybe, like, let's flip a page over
and just like, "Ooh, peekaboo."
So, I found this, like, adoptable puppies flyer.
Perfect.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Oh, my God. They're so cute.
-Do you play guitar? -Call me Hendrix.
Do we have anything smaller?
We have a ukulele. -Thank you.
Yes.
There once was a blonde girl named Nikki
Stop it. Nope.
Done.
Every, like, fat Hawaiian man just died.
[ Chuckles ]
All right, guys, what we've done so far has been great.
We made your dicks beautiful.
Now let's make them unforgettable.
Okay, Jay, we want to give you, like, a look
where it's like you're going back to school.
It's leaning against this locker.
Okay. We need your dick to kind of, like,
maybe stand up a little bit.
Is there any way you can reach around?
Oh, no.
Looks like I'm gonna have to do this myself.
I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor.
[ Laughter ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Oh, my gosh. This is amazing.
He puts the "cum" in "homecoming."
So, your dick is just, like, relaxing.
Have you ever had tweezers next to your dick?
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
Have you ever been --
[ Laughing ]
Please just be professional, okay?
I'm putting little, tiny cucumbers on your penis.
Really love this.
Okay, I am super excited about this one.
We are gonna take your dick to Paris.
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
Oui, oui.
I wish your dick could have a cigarette, but, you know,
we don't want to influence the kids
that you might be sending this to.
[ Laughter ]
A tisket, a tasket.
Your dick's carrying a basket.
[ Chuckles ]
I
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Congrats, you guys.
Send the picture.
One, two, three.
Send!
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Oh, shit. [ Laughs ]
What'd she say, what'd she say, what'd she say?
She said, "Worst paper cut ever."
Yes! Yes!
I got a response, too.
"Can't wait to get my recommended daily serving
of dick and cilantro."
[ Laughs ]
That's a success.
Look at you. You're glowing.
This was not the face of a guy
who had just sent a normal, old dick pic.
And for all you guys who didn't get responses,
it's probably 'cause they're just masturbating feverishly.
So, we did it. Yes!
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Laughs ]
What do you guys think?
Did those dick pics impress you?
I'm like Shania Twain.
They don't impress me much.
[ Laughter ]
You know, Nikki,
I tried to do my own dick diorama in high school,
but it was not well-received.
[ Laughter ]
At the science fair? No?
I had to do the moon landing, you know.
Just one small step for man, one big, old dick for that ass.
[ Laughter and applause ]