- Oh, you guys.
So last week I took some mushrooms
and went to the museum by myself.
(audience cheering)
And, got some new theories on covid
I'm going to share with you.
(audience laughing)
Very unresearched.
Um.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I think we need to stop
digging up mummy's for a little while.
Ah, it couldn't hurt, couldn't hurt.
(audience cheering)
Thank you.
No one knows where it came from.
Like was it a lab?
Was it a bat?
I'm like,
the mummy's whole thing was like,
curses and plagues.
They didn't want to be dug up
and we've been digging them up for a while.
(audience laughing)
A lot of them.
I mean,
too there's been British and American guys over there
just digging up farrows for like a hundred years.
It's,
can you imagine if a bunch of dudes
from Egypt came over here and just dug up Benjamin Franklin?
(audience laughing)
And they're,
check it out it's like one of they're best guys!
Yeah we found him.
(audience laughing)
Right in the ground.
We're gonna bring him back in a boat.
(audience laughing)
There was 23 mummy's in the museum in Chicago.
That's too many mummy's!
That's too many,
(audience laughing)
old ass dead dudes from Egypt.
Just chillin' on the lake in Chicago.
I thought there was one.
I lived in Chicago my whole life.
I looked it up,
there's 23.
Um. None of them are cool, um.
(audience laughing)
The main one that they've been having on display forever,
they're like,
check out our fucking mummy, um.
(audience laughing)
That one is a Farroh's son.
So, snooze.
(audience laughing)
It's like a Eric Trump of mummy's.
Get the fuck outta here dude.
(audience laughing)
Pass.
And the other 22 are just ehh,
fucking some guy!
They don't even know!
They we're just digging up bus drivers
and HVAC dudes back then.
(audience laughing)
Load them on boats.
So yeah, maybe we deserve a plague
from 2000 years ago.
(audience laughing)
Four thousand, five thou,
when was Egypt had it.
Four thousand years ago?
I don't know.
(audience laughing)
Been a while.
Could you imagine being born in like 4 AD
and your whole life everyone's just like,
oh, you just missed Jesus, shoot.
(audience laughing)
He was just here.
Yeah, he died.
(audience laughing)
What happened was he sick?
Nah, he wasn't sick.
I mean, he was fucking gnarly
but wasn't sick.
How'd he die?
Oh, like a town publicly beat him almost to death
and they hammered him to a log,
and stabbed him with a sword.
(audience laughing)
Oh shit.
So he was like a bad guy, huh?
No, no, no.
He was like the number one dude in the world has ever had.
Yeah, welcome to earth.
(audience laughing)
None of this shit makes sense.
Go dig a hole and drink water out of it.
Yeah, that's how we get water.
It sucks down.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, this whole pandemic,
I was just looking for silver linings
anywhere I could find them.
Like, you know,
we cooked a lot at home.
My girlfriend, like most girlfriends,
loves Trader Joe's, so.
(audience laughing)
We go there a lot.
Trader Joe's is dope dude.
My favorite part about Trader Joe's is
going to another grocery store afterwards
to finish getting all the shit you need.
(audience laughing)
My favorite part.
I love Trader Joe's.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, and like another big one for me
was like, I didn't get on a plane
for like a year and change.
Which kicked ass.
I normally fly a lot.
I hate flying.
Like, I'm not afraid to fly,
I just hate being uncomfortable for 4 hours
around 300 people that are also having a bad time.
(audience laughing)
Like, no ones,
when I'm hung over on a plane and there's turbulence
I just be like, I'm ready.
(audience laughing)
Take'er down.
I don't give a shit dude.
(audience laughing)
Here's, and I'm gonna tell ya.
A plane crash is a free suicide.
(audience laughing)
No one's mad at you.
No one's like,
that was very selfish of him to die in that plane crash.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, flying sucks dude.
No one's cool.
No one's stoked.
No one's like,
the airport, yes!
Yeah! Yeah! Yes!
(audience laughing)
No one.
Everyone's a grumpy dick.
No one respects boundaries
and everyone's,
I think it's the worst version of all of us.
And here's an example I came up with I think
well illustrates how air travel makes us all
temporarily the worst version of ourselves.
Say we're all on a flight right now.
Packed ass plane,
on the runway,
next in line to take off.
Some super old guy on the plane,
like a hundred years old,
dies.
And we have to go back to the gate.
(audience laughing)
All of us would be pissed dude!
All of us!
(audience laughing)
So steamed about this poor old dead man.
We'd be like,
a guy died?!
Fuck that guy!
(audience laughing)
On the plane,
200% for sure.
Even the most passionate empathetic person
on that plane would be like,
oh my God somebody died,
oh, what happened?
He was, he was 101?
Where the fuck was he flying to?!
(audience laughing)
How do they even let him on the plane?
Is he gonna parachute into a cemetery in the way to?
(audience laughing)
Okay. Ah. Sure.
He coulda died at home this morning
or in the Uber on the way to the airport,
but he had to die on the runway.
(audience laughing)
Yep, that guy's an old piece of shit.
(audience laughing)
Okay.
(audience laughing)
Hope his kids have to deal with some red tape
to get this corpse out of here.
(audience laughing)
It's, now whoever's sitting close to the dead guy,
all right, like who's ever sitting right next
to the dead guy and rang the call button,
they'd be like,
hey, I think this guy's dead.
(audience laughing)
And the flight attendant,
she's like,
mm, he is dead,
we gotta go back to the gate.
(audience laughing)
And everyone in earshot of that be like,
hey, (clears throat) way to go dude.
(audience laughing)
I'm fucking (indistinct), are you serious?
(audience laughing)
You couldn't pretend like he was fucking sleeping
til we got to O'Hare?
You gotta ring your shit?
(audience laughing)
Cool man.
Half this plane have connecting flights
and to see they're alive families.
Did you think about that?
(audience laughing)
Of course he didn't,
cause he was selfish,
dude, grow up.
Sit next to a dead guy for 3 hours.
He's not gonna do anything,
he's not gonna fuck with you cause he's dead!
He's dead.
(audience laughing)
We're good.
No one dies and then they're ghost stays on they're flight.
(audience laughing)
Like, that guy's gone man, fuck.
Don't point at him.
He died silently like a man.
This is you're fault.
You rang your shit, dude.
(audience laughing)
Are you gonna ask the pilot if there's any homework,
you fucking dork?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, you're a dork dude.
(audience laughing)
Carry this dead guy out of here.
(audience laughing)
Oh man, I smoke a lot of weed,
which you guys already knew.
(audience laughing)
Ponytail orphan Annie over here, sure.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, we know that guy gets stoned.
Sometimes I'll like get too stoned before I leave my house
and I'll be in public,
and I'll be like,
ah, this is,
nah what have I done?
(audience laughing)
Creeping people out.
Couple weeks ago I took an adovol
and I was walking to 7-11 to get,
you know a little treat, some snacks.
(audience laughing)
And on the way there I was like,
I think I'm too stoned for 7-11.
(audience laughing)
I was like,
you fucking idiot.
There's no such thing as too stoned for 7-11.
That's the whole point of that place.
(audience laughing)
I walked in all weird and I like held the door long
like there was someone behind me
but one's behind me.
(audience laughing)
It was like, oh okay,
and the guy was looking at me and I panicked,
and I just go,
(clears throat)
good evening.
(audience laughing)
Which you know is how fucking Dracula talks.
(audience laughing)
And, it was like 2 PM.
So this guy is already creeped out.
(audience laughing)
I was popping in just to grab a,
just a quick lunchable, um.
(audience laughing)
Cause I like them.
I do.
Not every day, that's crazy,
special treats, special occasions,
you know?
(audience laughing)
This was one such occasion.
I was checking out the old school one,
the old ones,
they got hula hoops and skateboards.
For lunchables,
you guys fucking know what I'm talking about.
And I was checking it out,
and the guy's like,
you want to try one of these instead?
And it was one of those adult packaged lunchables.
(audience laughing)
I'm sure you've seen them.
It's like the same garbage food,
but with a like brown artisanal packaging.
(audience laughing)
Like the whole thing just came out of a wood fired hearth.
(audience laughing)
Trick adults,
you'd be like,
oh my God is this like,
is this like a chacutery to go, or?
(audience laughing)
Is this like a farm to table?
Are we in France?
(audience laughing)
What a delight.
(audience laughing)
Ah no, it's still just bologna and triscuits.
(audience laughing)
And, you're still a hillbilly even if you buy the fancy one,
you know?
(audience laughing)
I just buy the old shitty ones.
They're like less healthy than fast food
which I understand, I still do it.
But Oscar Meyer was like,
hey, c'mon y'all,
it's lunch meat.
It's not.
(audience laughing)
That's not what lunch meat is.
That is a sweaty log of congealed turkey paste
that they cut into medallions of slime.
(audience laughing)
And right when you start to get creeped out about the slime
they be like,
wait a minute,
surf's up dude.
Is that a fucking capri sun right there?
(audience laughing)
You're kidding me.
Wee oooh.
Woo!
Who cares about turkey slime?
I'm too busy California dreaming over here.
(audience laughing)
Radical metallic juice pouch.
I feel like lunchables look like what a German kidnapper
thinks American children like.
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean?
It's like,
oh hello child,
yes hello.
(audience laughing)
Just come over to the automobile,
I've got a very cool,
very hip American treat snack for you.
(audience laughing)
Yes.
You can tell it's very cool from the package
on the outside, yes?
(audience laughing)
This right here is a picture of
a tyrannosaurus rex roller blading.
(audience laughing)
That is very cool, okay?
And here he's wearing sunglasses with a basketball.
That's very cool.
(audience laughing)
It's be like a sport,
like a sporty dragon, no?
That's very cool.
Yes, over here we have a picture of
a small boy playing karate, hmm.
That is very cool.
(audience laughing)
Especially if you are a karate player, no?
(audience laughing)
Young sweaty fighting boys, nice for me.
A German pervert.
And then over here.
(audience laughing)
Very top, hip,
excellent American,
number one cool is a rock 'n' roll guitar.
Jimmy Hendrix guitar,
very cool, yeah!
(audience laughing)
Inside we have a snack that's a pile of
very, very wet ham, okay?
(audience laughing)
Extra wet for you boys, yes um.
(audience laughing)
Got a stack of crunchy biscuits, yes?
Okay?
(audience laughing)
Once you put a piece of wet ham
on a crumbly biscuit with a piece of cheese.
Pass this around there boys.
(audience laughing)
And into the corner for the number one
sweetest most special boy.
(audience laughing)
Perhaps a small candy treat, no?
(audience laughing)
A little piece of chocolate or a small bag of skittles, yes?
(audience laughing)
Get in the Volkswagen boy,
here we go.
(audience laughing)
Okay guys.