It doesn't take a genius to see
that the relationships on earth today are completely dysfunctional.
It also doesn't take a genius to see
that if we don't fix this, we, the human race
are going to self-destruct.
Today, I'm going to expose one of these patterns
that causes the most damage between people
so that by being exposed to your conscious awareness
we will hopefully change it.
The Defective Doll
Essentially, we don't love each other.
We love the idea of each other.
And when we fall in love with the idea of each other,
we relate to each other as objects, not as living beings.
Or people, we relate to them
as if they are an aspect or a player of our own pretend game.
This whole dynamic begins
like almost every other pattern in the human race,
in childhood.
Most parents do not have children, for children.
They have children to meet their own needs.
And most people are so unconscious,
they have no idea of the real reasons why they decided to have children.
More than that,
it's very difficult for them to be honest about their actual reasons
because if they were honest about their actual reasons
it would equate to something like self-centeredness.
And obviously, our ego is designed
entirely to keep us away
from those things which might make us look like a bad person.
Perhaps a parent has a child to guarantee closeness with a partner,
perhaps it's to feel a sense of self-worth, value and validation,
perhaps it's for societal esteem,
perhaps it's because giving a child what they never had
would heal their own traumas.
The thing is, is that a child is born their own person,
with their own destiny, with their own desires,
needs, feelings, thoughts... Everything.
So rarely does a child ever conform
to the original reason the parent had the child.
And when a child does not meet the parents needs,
especially, the very need that the parent had the child for,
it's a recipe for disaster.
One of the most common dynamics that we see in the world today,
is that a parent, usually a mother, wants a child that will satiate her needs
in the same way that a doll satiate needs of a 4 years old girl.
The four-year-old feels a sense of self-esteem in having the doll
and dressing to match the doll and pretend to be needed by the doll
and pretending they have a connection with the doll.
This parent does not actually want a child
that is a unique and individual person.
This parent wants a doll that is animated and a doll that is a mini-me.
They want this doll to act how they want it to act,
they want it to be hungry when it's convenient for them.
They want to be able to put it down when they want to do something else
and have it shut its eyes and open them again
only when they want to interact with it.
They don't want the doll to need them when they don't want to be needed.
For the father, usually, this doll of a child they want
is not about a feeling of sense of self-esteem
and personal validation and care taking anything,
it is more about having a status symbol, like an animated trophy.
It is about having something that through its successes,
validates him as a person.
For this parent, the person that the child actually is
and the needs and feelings and wishes and preferences
the child actually has,
and how that child is different to the parent
will not be received well.
It will be perceived as a threat to their own self-concept.
It's going to be perceived
as if the very existence of this child
stands as an invalidation
of the self of the parent.
This child will also have needs
that don't fit into the schedule of the parent.
As a result,
the parent will subconsciously reject this child.
Now this rejection leads down 2 paths,
each of which are incredibly painful;
When a child is young
they cannot perceive themselves to have a life separate from their parent.
A baby cannot actually preoccupy itself.
A Baby also cannot sooth itself.
So, a baby that is rejected will experience a void when this occurs.
A void like a pet or a sentient toy
that is put on the shelf.
I highly suggest that to grasp the horror of this condition
you watch a Pixar movie called A Toy Story.
Except for, when you're watching this film,
I want you to pretend that the two children in that story,
Andy and Sid,
are the parents of the toys which they keep.
The horrific experience that so many of us have with our parents
is the horror of being a toy.
A Toy for our parent's gratification or lack thereof.
We are either the toy
that is born,
and lives, and dies on the shelf never being valued,
or we are the toy
that looks so good to a child when it's on the shelf,
but the minute they unwrap it,
there's a massive disappointment and a rejection,
and so we're put on the shelf.
Or, we are the person who is loved
and adored for a certain period of time,
before someone loses interest,
or we are replaced by a better toy (another sibling).
Or, we are the toy that is loved forever,
on the condition that we become exactly what our owner wants us to be.
What we long for is for someone to see that we are real
and to love us forever for what is real about us.
If we are the toy that was perceived to be defective
because we could not control our animation,
to perfectly fit in with what our parents wanted,
Then we are the one that is rejected and put on the Shelf.
Often at an age where we could not actually preoccupy ourselves.
Or we are punished for it, directly.
Like a toy or a neglected pet, we may be fed and clothed
but we do not have a life.
Our life only has movement and meaning and emotional breath,
if we are interacted with.
So when we are not, we experience crippling separation anxiety.
We dissolve in the hell of knowing we have no value to the person
upon whom our life depends.
We feel we are not real without them.
We feel the potential eternal hell of our living and self-concept
being completely at the mercy of another person
who we can't make value us enough, to play with us.
And we do not know if or when
that other person will come to claim us.
And even if they did, it wouldn't erase the fact
that we were rejected by the person who mattered to us so much.
And when we try to cry out to get the love back,
and our life back with it,
there is no response.
Our parent goes on with their own life
as if we were screaming inside, but not making a noise.
Or they shame us for reaching out for them
with our voice or actions.
On the visceral level,
it feels like someone has run through our chest,
solar plexus, lungs and ribcage with an old-fashioned lawnmower.
We often resort to addictions
to try to numb the pain of this ineffable wound.
We grow up to be the type of people
who feel like we actually have no life without our partner.
And what happens is, we line up with partners
who follow the same pattern of rejecting us.
Either they don't value us in the first place,
or they love us for a time, and then put us on the shelf.
If we are the doll who could control our animation
to perfectly fit in with what the parent that we had wanted,
we are like the G.I. Joe sitting at a tea party.
We too are not loved for what we are,
but instead of being discarded for exposing what we are,
we pretend to be something else.
The pressure of this inauthenticity
makes us not feel as if we have an individual life.
Our identity is consumed.
Therefore we must push people away and be alone to feel a sense of self.
On a visceral level,
it feels like we are a fly caught in the spider's web
being slowly spun to the point of suffocation
and simultaneously being eaten alive.
We grow up to be the kind of person who feels as if we can't have a life,
unless we push the people in our life away.
When we grow up with this type of pattern,
what will happen is,
we will want to be in a relationship
and so, we will misrepresent ourselves,
we will be the G.I. Joe that pretends that it's Little Miss Muffat.
If that's what the person in our life wants.
But we can only keep up this act for so long,
before suddenly, the pressure builds
and we have to make a blow for our freedom
by declaring that we're a completely different person
than we made ourselves out to be,
and that we better be loved for who we are.
Not only does this make it so that we put relationships entirely on our terms,
which, nobody can say yes to,
but we also set ourselves up for rejection.
The same kind of rejection that we experienced
with our parent, to begin with.
Or didn't let ourselves experience.
The experience of the person saying:
"But I'm not in love with you for you,
I'm in love for what you pretended to be."
In both scenarios, we receive the message
that we are not valued by the person who gives us life.
We either had to be what they wanted, instead of ourselves, to be loved
or couldn't be who they wanted us to be in order to be loved,
so we are innately rejected.
Our self-concept is complete and total shame.
Self hate occurs in us
because we either are not lovable as we are,
or if we were discarded emotionally,
we could not become what would make us lovable.
We are so desperate to be loved,
that we want to cut these aspects
that make us reject it, away from our being.
We want so desperately to become what will make us be loved,
and to be that, it's just not the truth of who we really are.
Basically, we internalize the original message
that our parents subconsciously sent us
by treating us like dolls that were there for their disposal,
than like human beings.
This is the root of self hate.
To understand completely how this dynamic works,
watch my video titled:
Self Hate (The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism)
If we are born to parents
who wanted us to be something other than what we are,
then we hate ourselves erroneously.
I Want you to imagine that somebody really wants a horse figurine,
but they go out and they buy a horse.
This is a setup. It's a recipe for self hate.
Why?
Because they're gonna hate the manure,
they're gonna hate how big the horse is,
they're gonna hate that they have to exercise it,
hate that they have to groom it...
Inevitably, what they're gonna be doing
is leaving this horse by itself, completely neglected,
until they eventually,
hopefully, give the horse away.
Now, should this horse hate itself because it's not a horse figurine?
Or is it really that issue of the person
who decided to buy a horse
when what they really wanted was a figurine?
The reality is that so many parents
do not really want a child,
they want an animated doll.
Because parents saw us as their thing,
like an object,
obviously, they can't be attuned to us
Any more than a child is really attuned to a toy if it's sentient.
But they're dragging it around by the neck.
This is the terror of our life experience.
And not attuning we cannot feel loved
because we can't take something as part of ourselves
if we cannot even perceive the reality of that thing.
It is merely a player in our own pretend game.
Being raised in this reality,
makes us feel as if we are objects in everyone else's reality.
It makes us treat other people as if they're objects in our reality.
It makes it so that no relationship we have
means more than the use that person serves for our needs.
It makes the entire world
a world of playthings and penny candy.
It makes it a world where we can't see,
hear, feel and understand each other
or value each other for who we really are.
A World where we cannot find people who are compatible to us
and can therefore, be in harmony with us
and make us feel loved.
We cannot attune to each other.
We must learn to attune to one another
to stop this dynamic.
To learn how to do this, watch my video titled:
Attunement (The Key To A Good Relationship)
We need to become very very clear
about the deep and often very dark reasons
why we want to have a child,
before we have them.
We need to accept that a child is born its own person,
with its own life.
It is not an object.
It is not a doll.
It will not operate according to our schedule.
It will have needs when it is incredibly inconvenient
for them to have those needs.
It will have its own feelings,
its own wants, its own desires,
its own preferences
and its own destiny.
And often, it will be very different to our own.
What we need to teach our children
is that they can have all of that
selfhood
Without losing us at all.
That they can guarantee
that with that, they can have us, and permanently.
We need to break free from our single family households.
The destruction of the child
rests upon our continual separation from the group.
The more that we segment ourselves
into single family households and now broken homes,
the less resources a child has available to them.
All that they have at their disposal is
the parents, or sometimes parent
that is in their vicinity.
And let's be honest,
as parents, we can't always be there for our children.
But we better believe that it's our responsibility
to find someone who can be, when we can't.
This way, they will not feel as if they must be a doll in our reality.
And they will never feel put on the shelf.
Imagine being loved for what you actually are, and forever.
We need to see that we have a life
regardless of whether people are or are not interacting with us.
But it is a personal choice to have interaction in our life.
We need to learn how to have ourselves
and have other people too at the exact same time.
Having people must never be contingent
upon becoming exactly what they want us to be
The time has come to live an authentic life
and to choose to see people for who they really are,
instead of to hold them to a role in our game of pretend.
If we do this from the get-go with people,
we will find people who are compatible to us
and who really will love us for all that we are.
To know how to do this, watch my video titled:
How To Be Authentic
People are worth infinitely more than their use to us in our life.
If we approach the world in any other way than this,
then what we're doing is treating people like objects.
We're treating people like dolls.
We're expecting them to fit into a game of pretend
that we are playing in our own individual reality.
By doing this we are perpetuating the isolation on this planet,
we're perpetuating the dislocation
of each person from each other's hearts
and from the web that connects us.
If we perpetuate this,
we will continue to create disconnection.
The very disconnection that is at the heart
of every act of terrorism and war that you see on this planet.
The time has come to demolish the self-concept of the defective doll.
And the doll that was able to operate perfectly
in accordance with its instructions.
The time has come to learn how to love what is real.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com