>> Stephen: WHOO!
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO -- "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE'RE LIVE.
I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW BECAUSE WE GENERALLY DO THESE COVID
SHOWS WITH, LIKE, BAILING WIRE AND DUCT TAPE TO BEGIN WITH, AND
I JUST WANT TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO MY WRITERS, THE WHOLE STAFF,
THE CREW, FOR EVERYBODY MAKING THIS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW.
IS IT ACTUALLY HAPPENING OR ARE YOU HUMORING ME?
>> IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
>> Stephen: IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
IT IS NIGHT ONE OF THE D. J. DEM NATIONAL CONVENTION AND THEY'RE
TELLING ME WHY.
I'VE GOT THE BUG IN THE CORNER.
WE CAN PROVE IT'S ACTUALLY 11:49 YOU JUST LOOK AT A CLOCK IN THE
ROOM WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.
THERE IT IS.
A HUGE NIGHT.
THE SIZE OF THE HUGENESS LARGE.
I OWE YOU ONE.
FOLKS, FOR FOUR YEARS WE'VE LOOKED ON IN HORROR AS DONALD
TRUMP TORE DOWN EVERY NORM IN AMERICAN LIFE FROM THE
CONSTITUTION TO ENGLISH SYNTAX TO THE DEFINITION OF FOOD
PYRAMID.
WELL, TONIGHT THE DEMOCRATS BEGIN WHAT JOE BIDEN HAS CALLED,
"A BATTLE FOR THE SOUL OF THIS NATION," BUT THAT WE'RE CALLING:
>> Stephen: DEMOCRATS ASSEMBLE.
>> ARE YOU READY TO GO?
PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV.
>> I AM KASICH.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF JOHN KASICH, THE FORMER REPUBLICAN
GOVERNOR OF OHIO WAS ONE OF THE SPEAKERS TONIGHT.
HE WAS THERE TO UNDERLINE THE THEME OF THIS CONVENTION:
UNITING AMERICA.
SLIGHTLY MORE INSPIRING THAN THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION THEME:
"GAS PROTESTORS AND THROW MAILBOXES INTO THE SEA."
THE DEMOCRATS OPENED THE NIGHT WITH A CELEBRITY CAMEO:
>> GOOD EVENING.
I'M EVA LONGORIA BASTON.
>> Stephen: WOW.
TRUMP DESPERATELY NEEDS THE SUBURBAN HOUSEWIVES, BUT BIDEN
BEAT HIM TO THE DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.
THOUGH, NEXT WEEK, I THINK THE R.N.C. WILL HAVE AT LEAST ONE
DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE.
THEN THE CONVENTION WAS KICKED OFF IN EARNEST WITH A MONTAGE OF
AMERICANS OF EVERY STRIPE RECITING THESE FAMOUS WORDS:
p>> WE THE PEOPLE.
>> WE THE PEOPLE.
>> NOSOTROS.
>> WE THE PEOPLE.
>> WE THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW HOW, WHEN YOU REPEAT SOMETHING OVER AND
OVER AGAIN, IT STARTS TO LOSE ALL MEANING?
THIS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT.
BECAUSE THE THEME OF THE NIGHT WAS "WE THE PEOPLE," AND REGULAR
PEOPLE WERE FEATURED ALL EVENING.
I WAS DEEPLY MOVED.
NOT JUST BECAUSE SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE PEOPLE.
IT'S BECAUSE THIS FEELS LIKE THIS IS THE REAL BEGINNING OF
THE ELECTION.
A CHANCE FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO DO THE WORK THAT OUR ELECTED
OFFICIALS FAILED TO DO FOR THE PAST FOUR
YEARS: TO HOLD DONALD TRUMP ACCOUNTABLE.
IT'S A LITTLE BIT LIKE WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROAD TRIP AND
FINALLY REALIZED DAD'S LOST AND WE HAVE TO TAKE THE WHEEL.
AND ALSO SEND DAD TO JAIL FOR STEALING THE CAR.
(
BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS LIKE, TO PERFORM THE NATIONAL ANTHEM,
THEY HAD SINGERS FROM EACH STATE.
IT WAS THE MOST MOVING GAP AD EVER.
THE DEMOCRATS TRIED TO KEEP IT CASUAL.
>> WE'RE GOING TO CHECK IN WITH FOLKS AROUND THE COUNTRY AND
ASK, "HOW ARE YOU DOING?" >> Stephen: HONESTLY, I'M
FEELING PRETTY WEIRD.
I'M DOING A LIVE TV SHOW FROM A FAKE OFFICE TRYING TO MAKE JOKES
WHILE THE REPUBLIC HANGS BY A THREAD.
OH, WAIT, YOU WEREN'T TALKING TO ME.
I'M SORRY.
NOW, ONE OF THE AMERICANS THEY CHECKED IN WITH WAS A WOMAN
NAMED MICHELLE, A SCHOOL NURSE FROM EL PASO, TEXAS, WHO ROCKED
A COOKIE MONSTER "LATE NIGHT MUNCHIES" SCRUB TOP.
VERY NICE, BUT IT COULD BE AWKWARD.
BIDEN WAS PLANNING TO ACCEPT THE NOMINATION IN THE SAME OUTFIT.
I HAVE TO SAY, WATCHING THE FIRST NIGHT OF THE CONVENTION
WAS VERY INSPIRING.
IT GAVE ME HOPE.
BECAUSE IT BROUGHT ME BACK TO WHERE I WAS FOUR YEARS AGO: IN A
ROOM WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
WE HEARD FROM CONGRESSMAN JIM CLYBURN:
>> GOOD EVENING, I'M CONGRESSMAN JIM CLYBURN, HERE IN HISTORIC--
>> STANDBY.
>> GOOD EVENING, I'M CONGRESSMAN JIM CLYBURN.
>> Stephen: WHAT AN EMBARRASSING MISTAKE.
OH.
WHAT AN EMBARRASSING MISTAKE.
THE REPUBLICANS ATTACKED DONALD TRUMP AND THE REPUBLICAN
ADMINISTRATION WITH THE MOST VICIOUS CHEAP SHOT IMAGINABLE:
ACCURATELY DESCRIBING HIS PRESIDENCY.
THERE WERE SCENES OF ECONOMIC DISASTER, PROTESTORS IN THE
STREET, AND A HEARTBREAKING IN MEMORIAM REEL OF EVERYONE
WHO HAS DIED OF CORONAVIRUS.
THEN THIS MESSAGE FROM AN AVERAGE AMERICAN WHO SPOKE ABOUT
HOW HER FATHER, A TRUMP SUPPORTER, PASSED AWAY FROM
ORONAVIRUS.
CONDITION WAS TRUSTING DONALD TRUMP, AND FOR THAT HE PAID WITH
HIS LIFE.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE THE REPUBLICANS GOING TO ANSWER
THAT STARK REALITY IN THEIR CONVENTION?
(AS TRUMP)
DANCE YOUR HEART OUT, MY PILLOW GUY."
IT WAS A NIGHT THAT FEATURED AMERICANS OF EVERY KIND.
WE EVEN GOT A PERFORMANCE FROM I THINK A FOREST WITCH.
VERY POWERFUL.
AND IT REMINDS ME: I NEED TO GET MY DREAMCATCHER BACK FROM
COYOTE.
NOW, AT ONE POINT, THEY CUT AWAY FOR SOME QUICK REACTION SHOTS
FROM THE AUDIENCE, AND THEN THEY STAYED ON THESE TWO WOMEN
FOR━- AND I'M ROUNDING DOWN NO━- ABOUT 100 YEARS.
AH, ALL THE AWKWARDNESS OF THE KISS CAM WITH NONE OF THE FUN OF
A BASEBALL GAME.
AND THEN, DEMOCRATS INTRODUCED SOME FOLKS YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT
TO SEE AT A DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION: NON-DEMOCRATS.
AND NOT JUST BERNIE SANDERS.
WE HEARD FROM A SLATE OF REPUBLICANS WHO ARE SUPPORTING
JOE BIDEN.
>> I'M GOVERNOR CHRISTINE TODD WHITMAN.
WHAT AM I DOING HERE?
>> Stephen:
OPENING A HALF GALLON BOTTLE OF GOLDSCHLAGER.
WHERE ARE MY PANTS?" IM SURE SHES FINE.
REPUBLICAN JOHN KASICH OPENED WITH A VISUAL METAPHOR.
SUBTLE, SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT.
>> AMERICA IS AT A CROSSROADS.
>> Stephen:
THAT'S WHERE I MADE A DEAL WITH THAT FIERY RED GUY."
KASICH SPOKE OF HIS LONG HISTORY WITH JOE BIDEN.
>> I'VE KNOWN JOE BIDEN FOR 30 YEARS.
>> Stephen:
RELATIONSHIP WHEN I ASK HIM TO PICK ME UP FROM THIS FIELD I'VE
BEEN ABANDONED IN.
JOE CARES.
JOE WANTS JOHNNY K TO COME HOME."
THEN IT WAS TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE HOTTEST, SEXIEST ISSUE OF
2020: THE POST OFFICE!
TO KICK IT OFF, THE PARTY TURNED TO A RISING LATINA SUPERSTAR IN
CONGRESS.
NO, NOT A.O.C., NEVADA SENATOR CATHERINE CORTEZ-MASTO.
>> THIS YEAR, MORE AMERICANS THAN EVER BEFORE ARE GOING TO
VOTE FROM ROOMS JUST LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: UNLESS YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK.
THEN YOUR ROOM WILL BE HALF THE SIZE AND YOUR SINK WILL BE
INSIDE YOUR STOVE FOR SOME REASON.
THEY HAD A MONTAGE OF THE OTHER DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEES
VOICING THEIR SUPPORT OF JOE BIDEN.
I ASSUME MARIANNE WILLIAMSON WASN'T INCLUDED BECAUSE SHE WAS
BUSY TEACHING A FOREST GNOME HOW TO USE A CRYSTAL TO TALK
TO A WISH.
THEN THERE WAS EVEN A SPECIAL SECTION ON BIDEN'S FAVORITE MODE
OF TRANSIT: >> HE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO
TAKE THE TRAIN TO WORK .
>> Stephen: SMART PLOY. TUG AT OUR HEARTSTRINGS BY MAKING US
NOSTALGIC FOR THE BYGONE PASTIME OF "TRAVELING ANYWHERE."
AND JOE BIDEN'S DAUGHTER EXPLAINED HER DAD'S
CONNECTION WITH EVERYDAY AMERICANS.
>> HE WOULD TREAT THE CONDUCTOR THE SAME WAY AS WOULD THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: OH NO, HE'S GOING TO KICK THAT CONDUCTOR'S ASS IN
NOVEMBER.
THEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE TWO BIG PRIMETIME SPEAKERS.
THE FIRST WAS VERMONT SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS, SEEN HERE
DEMANDING MORE RAISINS IN HIS RAISIN BRAN.
(AS BERNIE)
RIGHT TO TWO SCOOPS!" BERNIE MAY NOT BE THE CANDIDATE,
BUT HE HAS GOTTEN THE PARTY TO EMBRACE HIS "MEDICARE-FOR-ALL"
PLAN, LEADING ONE FORMER COLLEAGUE TO SAY, "HE MAY FEEL A
LITTLE BIT LIKE MOSES."
(AS BERNIE)
COMPLIMENT, BUT I KNEW MOSES.
I'M NOTHING LIKE THE GUY.
THE TOP TEN PERCENT OF HIS COMMANDMENTS ONLY APPLIED TO THE
TOP ONE PERCENT OF THE TRIBE OF ZEB-U-LIN!
NOW WHERE IS THE MILK AND HONEY FOR MY DAMN RAISIN BRAN?"
BERNIE ADDRESSED AMERICA FROM OUR NATIONAL STRATEGIC STOCKPILE
OF FIREWOOD.
AND HE ADDRESSED THE SERIOUS ISSUES FACING PEOPLE TODAY.
>> MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE WONDERING HOW THEY'RE
GONNA FEED THEIR KIDS.
>> Stephen:
YOU FEED THEM LOGS?
BECAUSE I HAVE A TON OF LOGS.
LOTTA FIBER. IT'S LIKE METAMUCIL ON A STICK."
THEN, THE PRODUCTION CUT TO EVERYDAY AMERICANS' REACTION TO
BERNIE'S SPEECH.
ONLY THEY DIDN'T SEEM TO KNOW THEY WERE ON CAMERA UNTIL IT WAS
TOO LATE.
(
BUT THE BIG HEADLINER WAS FORMER FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA.
(
JUST HAPPENS AUTOMATICALLY WHENEVER I SAY THE NAME
"MICHELLE OBAMA."
(
SHE BEGAN WITH A STIRRING MESSAGE:
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> Stephen: GOOD EVENING EVERYONE!
EVERYONE!
SHE SAID HI TO ME!
THEY MUST HAVE GONE PRETTY LOW, BECAUSE JUST SEEING HER MAKES ME
FEEL HIGH.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, SHE CALLED BACK TO HER FAMOUS 2016
CATCHPHRASE.
>> OVER THE LAST 4 YEARS, A LOT OF PEOPLE ASKED ME WHEN OTHERS
ARE GOING SO LOW, DOES GOING HIGH STILL REALLY WORK?
MY ANSWER: GOING HIGH IS THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS.
>> Stephen: A SOLID POLICY FOR BOTH AMERICA AND DAVE MATTHEWS
CONCERTS.
THEN THE TONE GOT REAL.
>> IF YOU THINK THINGS CANNOT POSSIBLY GET WORSE TRUST ME,
THEY CAN AND THEY WILL IF WE DON'T MAKE A CHANGE IN THIS
ELECTION.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS A SHORT WALK FROM "HOPE AND CHANGE" TO
"DUCK AND COVER!" THEN SHE MADE THE STRONGEST
POSSIBLE ENDORSEMENT: >> I KNOW JOE.
>> Stephen: GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!
RELEASE THE BALLOONS -- HE KNOWS MICHELLE OBAMA!!
OH, THERE'S MORE!
OK, GO AHEAD.
KNOW JOE.
HE IS A PROFOUNDLY DECENT MAN, GUIDED BY FAITH.
HE WAS A TERRIFIC VICE PRESIDENT.
HE KNOWS WHAT IT TAKES TO RESCUE AN ECONOMY, BEAT BACK A
PANDEMIC, AND LEAD OUR COUNTRY, AND HE LISTENS!
>> Stephen: AS OPPOSED TO TRUMP, WHO KNOWS HOW TO BEAT
BACK AN ECONOMY, IGNORE A PANDEMIC, DIVIDE OUR COUNTRY,
AND HE GLISTENS!
THE FORMER FIRST LADY CONTINUED LISTING JOE'S QUALIFICATIONS.
>> HE WILL TELL THE TRUTH AND TRUST SCIENCE.
>> Stephen: WOW, FOUR YEARS OF TRUMP HAS REALLY LOWERED THE BAR
FOR PRESIDENT.
I SUPPORT JOE BIDEN, HE BELIEVES THE EARTH OR BITS THE SUN AND HE
WON'T STAB YOU.
FORMER FLAID ENDED ON A POWERFUL NOTE --
>> WE HAVE GOT TO DO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO ELECT MY FRIEND JOE
BIDEN AS THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
THANK YOU ALL.
GOD BLESS.
>> Stephen: I WILL BE HONEST WITH YOU -- MY JOB IS TO HAVE A
JOKE FOR EVERY TIME SOMEBODY SAYS ANYTHING IN PUBLIC.
AFTER WATCHING MICHELLE OBAMA'S SPEECH, I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE
HAPPY TO FAIL AT MY JOB.
AND WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS AMBASSADOR SUSAN RICE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I TAKE YOU ON A VIRTUAL TOUR OF MILWAUKEE!
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.