There is a saying in Islam - inshallah - which means God willing.
Inshallah. There you go.
Stay classy!
Hello. I'm Miss Holland.
I'm from a small town in Holland where life is a simple one.
I know I am great but you call yourselves great!
That's why you have done a Brexit.
So I have come to find out what makes Britain so great,
learn to be British and find myself a husband.
Welcome to Miss Holland Show!
Great British religion is in fashion at the moment.
The Muslims are all over the news.
But what about the great British Christians?
My team has organised me to meet a imam and a pastor to teach me
about these great British religions.
Oh, oh...
Oh. dear, Oh, no.
Oh! Almost got you underneath the dress!
We don't want that!
So what does your...Bible say?
Koran. Koran.
Yes, that is the name of our Scripture.
Great. It is like Vogue but different?
No, it is not like Vogue.
I live by the rules of the Bible - Vogue.
I don't think the Bible talks about fashion.
No? No.
Women - they all wear costume, like Darth Vader.
In the Middle East.
The sandstorm can blind you, so they cover their faces.
Very clever. But it's nothing to do with Islam,
it's a cultural expression.
So you are not fans of Star Wars?
No.
What... Who are important characters in your religion?
Prophet Muhammad is very, very, very important.
Yes, I know Muhammed.
How do you know? He's a really strong black guy who'd...
..punch people, you know. That was Muhammad Ali.
Different? Yes. Oh.
He was born in...in Bethlehem.
And he was a baby Jesus?
As a baby... Yeah.
BJ was born and people came to give money for the BJ.
Where...does God live? He is everywhere all the time.
Everywhere. But you can have moments where you...
Like CCTV everywhere?
He is watching you all the time?
Can God move through me? Yeah. If you wanted him to.
How? How do we do this? Well, you've got to...
I want to learn to have the great British God.
You can pray, you can ask him. I mean, you just ask.
And what does it feel like? Well, um...
Like an orgasm? Yeah, I mean...
..it'd be better to pray for you.
OK. Do you want me to pray for you? Yes, please.
Please say, "Jesus, thank you that you made Miss Holland."
Jesus, thank you that you made Miss Holland.
If you are real, please show yourself to me.
And now?
Well...
That's all you need to do.
And then you can just...
You may not have anything right now, I mean...
SHE SINGS INDISTINCTLY AND OUT OF TUNE
# ..in Holland...
SHE CONTINUES SINGING
# ..Miss Holland! #
SHE CONTINUES SINGING
What are you feeling? Not yet.
SHE CONTINUES SINGING
No, nothing. There was a moment there.
There was something. I felt something.
What about the elephant?
Ganesh. That is Hindu religion.
Oh. They believe in multiple gods.
No, they're wrong. I didn't say that.
Do you think Kanye West is like the new Jesus?
Well, he thinks he is, I think.
And how do we know if he is not the real Son of God?
Well, that is a really good... How DO we know?
How do we know? How do we know? Maybe he is.
CHURCH BELL RINGS
That's Jesus. Well, we prayed and... He's arrived.
Maybe that's him. I think so.
Looks, fame and money.
These are all the things I want.
They come and go.
There will come a time when your fame will disappear,
when your money may disappear
and you may struggle with food.
It's just... It's really sad.
I'm sorry.
What do you say I should do to become married?
Have you heard of online dating? You'd look great on there,
so put up a nice photo...
Can we practise a kiss?
No. I'm not practising a kiss! No? Not with me.
I'm really good. Yeah... Um...
The made-up you, you know, the make-up and the fantastic look
that you have right now,
can you display this 24 hours a day for them?
No. I do not look like this in the morning.
And I don't want my husband be like,
"Argh! What is that in my bed?!"
You know, I want him to like me how I am.
That is why you should present yourself for who you are.
Yes. So this is all disgusting, really.
I didn't say that.
So Jesus was a great British man
who gave us the Church of England?
If that is what you've understood...
..then I've failed miserably.
That's two of the many great British religions.
They are so great that the BBC told me it's not
so good for the fun-making.
I'm going to play with great British balls instead next time.
CRACK!
SMASH!