Footballers play Squid Game... To win the Ballon d’Or
SQUID GAME The Final
Player 7 vs Player 10
What the hell?! This Squid Game makes no sense whatsoever...
Neither do you, dickhead
Even I don’t have a clue what’s going on - and I’m from South Korea!
Sorry boss, these dickheads haven’t got a clue what’s going on.
- Idiots - They are footballers, remember…
Your excellency?
Let them choose their own game…
SQUID GAME The Final v2.0
For the final game you chose... 1v1
- Let's go! - First to score 3 goals wins…
- Er, Mike... What happens if a player is unable to continue? - You mean death?
- I mean my ankles… - Then the last man standing is the winner
And remember: there are no restrictions!
Wich mean sadly for me, there are no red cards...
My money is on Heung Min Son… who do you want to win?
Not Harry Kane. The money grabbing Man City want to be.
Game on!
- Play on! - Kane controls it! He shoots!
- No goal! - F***… It’s just not happening for me this season...
You did capture the correct Harry Kane right?
Yes, your excellency.
And not one of those lookalikes from Twitter?
No, your excellency.
Game on!
- No! Give it back! - Your wish is my command...
My eye! You Heung-Min Son of a bi**h!
Yes!
0-1!
A pin in the eye… just adding that to my list of capital punishment ideas for 2022
Ha! You really getting into this!
Game on!
Haha! Harry Kane has an open goal! He can’t miss!
Argh! My ankle!
Luis Suarez approves!
I’m going to need something even heavier!
That reminds me of the movie Tremors...
That almost reminded me a Paul Scholes...
Game on!
Haha! Thanks Tanguy!
Harry Kane has another open goal! And Heung-Min Son can’t stop him this time!
Heung Min Son can’t… ...but I can…
Nuno Espírito Santo?!
- Do you worst! Like you have all season... - Let's go!
- Quickly your excellency, will he score? - Yes!
Nooo!
Yessss!
- No! - Yes!
- Yes! - No goal!
No!
Even Joelinton would have scored that…
Who?
Game on!
Argh! My other eye!
- No! - 1-1!
Yes! How the hell did I score there?
- Heung Min Son just went full Eric Dier... - Let's go!
- This is tragic. Should we just kill them both? - Hmm… it has gone very Spursy…
- I can’t see a sodding thing… - Game on!
- Heung Min Son is through on goal… - No!
- Goal! - No!
- 1-2! - Where’s Nuno Espírito Santo when you need him?
Probably in talks for the Man Utd job...
- It’s funny coz it’s true... - Which idiot would join Manchester United?
It’s over. I can’t see a sodding thing...
Don’t worry Harry! I’ll save you!
Eric Dier! Yes!
That’s the bozo that scored an own goal against Newcastle...
Game on!
- Offside! - What?!
There is no offside, dickhead... No restrictions, no offside...
- Oh no... - Son is through on goal…
For South Korea! Wait...
- What’s he doing? - He’s stopped...
What’s going on?
I think he’s giving up the Ballon d’Or right at the edge of victory… that’s very Spursy.
Just had a bit of sand up my nose… Yes!
- Game over Harry… - Wait!
Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur!
Sorry Harry, I already saved your arse in the first game! I’m not doing it again!
Oh when the Spurs! Go marching in! Oh when the Spurs! Go marching in!
Game over Eric...
Player 10, eliminated...
EPILOGUE
What do you mean, it was all a lie?
His excellency wants you to know that Ballon d’Or is a fake…
Oh let me guess, his excellency is actually Robert Lewandowski in disguise...
...and this was all an elaborate plan for him to eliminate his rivals for the Ballon d’Or...
...and now you're going to gas me to death or something.
- Correct! - Really?
Of course not dickhead! Lewy died in the marbles game...
- Oh. Then who are you both? - I’m…
- Erling Haaland?! - No!
- Robbie Savage? - No!
- Rapunzel on steroids? - No! I’m Amanda Staveley!
- Who? - The front woman of the Saudi takeover of Newcastle United!
Oh. Which makes his excellency over here the frontman of the Saudi takeover - Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman?
No…his excellency over there is...
Kevin Keegan! The new manager of Newcastle United!
And I’ll tell you something Heung Min, I’d love it if you signed for Newcastle! Love it!
So your plan was to kill all your rivals best players?
No shit dickhead!
All to stand a better chance of winning trophies...
Correct!
We knew the only top players that would sign for Newcastle United would be Spurs players!
That’s why we didn’t kill you for cheating in the tug-of-war!
And why I helped Harry Kane beat Robert Lewandowski - let's face it, the way Harry's been playing he wouldn't stood a chance...
And because your club saved the life of a Newcastle fan the other week!
So, Heung Min, will you be the first big name player to sign for Newcastle?
No! I’d rather be dead!
- Wait! - I’ll do it!
- You have passed the final game… - The final game?
- Holy f... - It’s me Heung-Min!
- Daniel Levy?! - Daniel Levy!
Which makes his excellency over here…
Antonio Conte!
I’m so confused...
The final game was a test to see if you’d remain loyal to the Super Tottenham from the Lane!
Or whether you’d be a money grabbing Judas like Harry Kane tried to be…
As for the rest of our plan, it’s exactly the same as the one I explained…
...with the added bonus that now, Newcastle and the Saudis and their trillion squillions...
...will be kicked out of the Premier League for good!
Once we can release the deep-fake footage of Amanda Staveley confessing to the murder of 32 footballers and their billionaire owners!
Which leaves so-called Mighty Tottenham in pole position to become the new football superpower in world football!
- Should we do the evil half again Antonio? - Why not?
Why else do you think I would have agreed to manage this mickey mouse banter club?
Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur!
That is so typically Spursy…
- I quit… - Oh f***!
Here you go Robert...
This is the real Ballon d’Or.
- Now you can finally rest in peace... - Thanks Heung Min
Now to bring down that banter club Spurs...