In a nasty divorce, how do I protect my kids from devastating emotional harm?
Every parent in a divorce situation needs to know this. I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a clinical psychologist
with years of experience working with families of divorce. I'm going to share a strategy with
you that you'll never hear from your attorney but it's absolutely essential to the mental
health of your children. First, the context and then I'll give you five practical strategies.
For about 13 years early in my career I did child custody evaluations for the court.
These are bitter angry divorcing parents who can't figure out how to share their kids. The court sent
me into that situation to figure out what's going to be in the best interest of the children and I
have to tell you that was always my focus. Now, I want good things for parents but the kids are in a
vulnerable position. They didn't choose this. They don't get to dictate what direction it's going to go.
So, I really went in with their best interest in mind. Part of the context I want you to understand
comes from Dr. Elizabeth Ellis who wrote a book called Divorce Wars. I don't highly recommend
it for the average reader it's very academic but there's a lot of really great information
and research that she compiled. The main thing that I want you to get from Dr. Ellis's research
is the five factors that determine the outcome of divorce for children. Number one is conflict.
Specifically, conflict between the parents about the kids. I'm not even going to share the other
four with you in this video because number one, conflict between the parents about the children
is by far the most powerful indicator of outcomes of divorce for kids. Now, let's keep that in the
back of our minds as we have a conversation about some specific strategies that you can employ. You
will not hear from me the same kind of rhetoric that you're going to get from your attorney.
I am not your attorney and what I'm sharing with you here is not legal advice, it's family advice,
it's relationship advice, it's mental health advice, for your children. So, remember where I'm coming
from. The court is a terrible place to solve family problems. I say that with years of experience
working as an expert witness in the court situation for families and the court is a terrible
place to solve family problems. It violates some of the principles that I'll be sharing with you
here today. So, notice that you're going to be getting a little different message from me than
you might get from your attorney. That's okay, consider where I'm coming from. If conflict is
the number one factor that determines the outcome of divorce for children. We want to do everything
we can to reduce or minimize that conflict in a way that serves our family best. So, it's in
that context that I share with you these five strategies. Let's start with strategy number one,
take care of yourself. You are the most valuable resource that your children have access to.
You've got to take care of yourself. I'm reminded of this every time I get on a commercial airliner
and that you know when you're taxiing out on the runway and you're about ready to take off and they
go through the safety routine. Just in case you've been in a coma for 20 years they show you how to
fasten a seat belt like you haven't been paying attention. But they get to this point where they
say, "If we lose cabin pressure these attractive yellow oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling
and you put that on your face so that you can keep breathing", they always say
at that point in the presentation, "If you're traveling with someone who needs assistance
like a young child for example please put your own mask on first". Why did they say that? Because your
natural tendency as a parent is to take care of the child, right? That's where you're drawn.
But if you're out cold in the aisle you're just part of the problem. You're in the way now. You've
got to take care of yourself so that you can show up for your child. This is huge and one
of the things that I work on most in my coaching with parents, take care of yourself. That's the best
way you can ensure that that number one asset will be there and available for your child.
Strategy number two, create the most sane, stable, loving, environment you possibly can
in your world. Picture this for a moment, we've got one world that separates and becomes two worlds
and for kids, I call this mom's world and dad's world. One of my clients suggested recently
maybe we call this planet mom and planet dad. When you think of it that way we have these
very different worlds and these different worlds have different languages, expectations,
rules, standards. There's a reason why there's two separate worlds now. Your children have
to live in both of those worlds. Most of your concerns are going to be about the other world,
right? Notice that, because you control your world to an extent, right. I mean you have some
say over what the rules and expectations and values are in your world not the other world. You
don't have any control over that one. So, the second strategy has to do with just staying on home
planet here, okay. Whatever's happening in the other world is happening and your kids can handle it.
I'll repeat that if I have to, your kids can handle it. So, let them handle that and you come back to
your world. You create the most sane, stable, loving, open principle-based environment you possibly
can in your own world. You with me? You're going to do that based on nine principles. I'm not going to
go over all of the nine principles in this particular video today. But I've written them
down for you on a nice clean little pdf that I will send right to your inbox. Just go to the URL
on the screen right now drpauljenkins.com/9principles
all one word and I'll put that in your inbox. These 9 principles are what I have found to be
effective. In fact, I would venture to say that they're guaranteed to allow you to create that
same stable loving environment you can in your own world get the 9 principles.
I promise they're gonna make a big difference for you. Here's strategy number three and this
is again going back to our goal to minimize the conflict, get clear about who the enemy is.
Hint, it's not the other parent. I know this is going to rock your world potentially. The enemy is
not the other parent. In fact, the enemy is probably a departure from the nine principles that I just
shared with you. Anytime we get away from those nine principles we're in trouble. For example,
love, forgiveness, compassion, respect, those are all on the list of those nine principles. What if we go
to hate and anger and viciousness? Not on the list by the way, but that's a departure from the nine
principles. That's what the enemy is, it's when we depart from those principles. The other parent is
not the enemy. Get clear about that. Strategy number four is similar, get clear about what your job is
and if you follow the previous strategy well you'll know that the other parent is not
the enemy. So, your job is not to protect these children from the other parent. Again, I'm coming
from a background of having worked with families for now three decades. The court is a terrible
place to solve family problems and your attorneys will tell you that you have to do this to protect
your children. Don't be too quick to buy into that philosophy. That is not your job the other parent
is not the enemy. It's one of the parents of your kids and they need their parents. What is your job?
Your job is to love them no matter what and even if. I've probably got hundreds of videos on this
channel that speak to that specifically. That's your job, okay. it's not to make sure that they
anything. It's not to protect them from the possible negative effects
of what's going on on the other planet. Get that out of your head because it will only cause
you frustration and it will annoy other people. I promise, get clear about what your job is.
And here's strategy number five, this might sound familiar to you,
take care of yourself. Oh yeah, that was strategy number one too. It bears repeating because this
is the part that we lose track of and when we lose track of this our kids suffer.
You've got to take care of yourself. Do whatever is required. Get good exercise.
Get good sleep. Eat a balanced nutritious diet. Take regular time for prayer and meditation.
Take care of you, you are the number one asset that you bring to these children and
they're going to need you. I hope that got you on a direction that is going to help you and your kids.
Remember to grab these nine principles because you'll want to work on those drpauljenkins.com/9principles
and I'll send it right to your inbox.