Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
You know Hollywood has a talent for taking symbols of our cherished childhood and smashing them to Indescribable amounts of fecal matter.
And nowhere is that more prominent than in the the horrors of the Super Mario Brothers movie.
The game about two Italian plumbers who rescue a princess from a Dragon was such a huge hit that they put it on everything. Candy, magazines, comic books, The Works.
so it only figure to put together a Super Mario Brothers movie as quickly as possible.
And when we saw the trailer for this movie we realized that it wasn't just Super Mario Brothers, it was Super Mario Brothers on steroids!
I'm serious dude this movie was packing the flamethrowers, rocket boots, giant monsters, and a bad ass looking City. So, naturally, we got hyped.
It was opening day there was lines around the block and we are about to see the bad ass action film of the year. we sat down in our seats and the film began.
Alright the traditional Mario music this is gonna be just like the game.
A long long time ago the Earth was ruled by dinosaurs, they were big so not a lot of people went around hassling them.
You know it just don't get no better than this.
Then a giant meteorite struck the Earth, goodbye dinosaurs.
But what if the dinosaurs weren't all destroyed. What if the impact of that meteorite created a parallel dimension where the dinosaurs continue to thrive and evolve into intelligent, vicious, aggressive, beings.
And hey, what if they found a way back.
Oh my god, this movie's gonna blow.
So let's see what's wrong with this horse's ass of a movie, well for starters the graphics in the game are actually better then the graphics in the opening. That's strike one.
Koopa is a human being instead of a dragon. That's strike two.
And two Italian plumbers are played by a British man and a Latino.
And that's strike three, you know what what the hell, five minutes into this movie and already is has three strikes against it. This is going to suck ass.
Alright so the film centers around a love story between Luigi and the only good-looking archaeologist in the entire world Daisy.
There chemistry is about as awkward as Tom Cruise and well I guess anyone he's dated.
I want to apologize right now, in case well when I start to get talking and I start to say things that sound really weird.
Don't worry Luigi, it's not you, it's just bad writing.
Upon taking her out to dinner we find out the Mario brothers aren't even brothers at all they're father and son.
Mario here brought me up
But wait a minute doesn't Mario specifically at one point say Mario Brothers Plumbing and isn't the title of the stinking movie?
So wait what are you trying to say they're- they're father and son and brothers
He's been my mother my whole life.
You're messed up movie you're f**king messed up.
So after that incestuous moment we find that Daisy is abducted and taken to a parallel world where humans evolved from lizards instead of evolving from monkeys. Suck on that creationism!
And in the horrifying City of- name not announced there's an evil Tyrannosaurus Rex known as King Koopa played by Dennis Hopper.
only he doesn't breathe fire and throw hammers like in the video game, no this Koopa is more like a mix between Donald Trump and Dr. Evil.
See you later alligator.
Disney's Reluctant Dragon would have been scarier than this.
How nice.
his plan is to merge our two Dimensions together and de-evolve mankind. He does this by using a rock from a meteorite that hit Earth thousands of years ago that Daisy apparently keeps around her neck
or some shit like that, I don't know, I'm usually asleep at this point.
Stupid.
His evil henchmen in this movie are creatures known as Goombas and I have to admit I honestly think they went out of their way to make sure these creatures look nothing like the original game.
It's like they're trying to piss us off.
Yeah I bet.
Name!?
Mario
Last Name!?
Whoa! Whoa! We're gonna hear Mario's last name? Dude we've never heard Mario's last name before, this ought a be interesting, uh, cool alright so, uh, what's Mario's last name?
Mario
Yeah, now what's your last name?
Mario
No, no, no, no what's your last name?
Mario
No, no, okay what's your first name?
Mario
Alright, now what's your last name?
Mario
F*ck you
What's your first name?
Luigi
And what's your last name?
Mario
Shut up! What's your last name?
Luigi Mario
Those are both first names, what's your last name?
Mario
Shut it, what's your full name?
Luigi Mario
Those are both fir- Okay, what's your first name?
Luigi
And what's your last name?
Mario
Shut the f*ck- What's your full name?
Luigi Mario
what is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?
Mario Mario and Luigi Mario.
Are you f**king kidding me?
They couldn't think of last names, so they just gave them their first names again? That's like something a kid writes down when he doesn't know the answer on a test.
Mario's last name is Dur Mario.
And Luigi's last name is Mario too because they're brothers you see,
Wait no, no, no, father and son.
Now one of the things you might be asking yourself is why in this version as opposed to the game is it Luigi that ultimately gets the hot princess booty.
I mean who does that leave Mario with?
WAH!
Whoa boy!
Sorry Mario, but our princess is in another White Castle.
Unfortunately, the Duchess of Dairy Queen also has the rock and steals it from our heroes, which, unfortunately means a lot of these shots.
The only way to get it back is for Mario to use his balding, Italian charm to seduce her.
What some people will do for a role.
Sadly though most of the performances in this movie are downright terrible.
I mean I love Bob Hoskins, but half the time it sounds like he's coughing up a hairball.
Hey what is this!?
Get out of here!
and everytime I hear that New York accent, I keep expecting Roger Rabbit to pop up.
But by far, the biggest award for killing a performance goes to the poopa scoopa Koopa himself, Dennis Hopper.
It's literally like he woke up every morning and just said to himself, I'm not going to act today I don't know what I'm going to do, but it's not going to be acting.
In fact we haven't seen Dennis Hopper in a while, have we? But what do you expect when you're movies that have you saying lines like,
Ba-Bomb!
Let's hear that again.
Ba-Bomb!
and this is why you don't see Dennis Hopper anymore.
In fact, if you watch it slow motion you can hear actually pinpoint the moment where his career implodes in on himself. Watch!
Ba-Bomb!
There is no other line in this movie that can destroy an actor's career so quickly.
Monkey!
Okay maybe one other line. In fact, let's see those two back to back.
Ba-Bomb.
Monkey!
Ba-Bomb.
Monkey!
Ba-Bomb.
Monkey!
Ba-Bomb.
Monkey!
Ba-Bomb.
Monkey!
Ba-Bomb.
Monkey!
Ba-Bomb.
Monkey!
The only thing that's kinda cool about this movie is the way they teleport from one world to another.
It's not a great effect, but it's pretty inventive when you consider it comes from a city covered in shroom.
Oh, shut up and say Ba-Bomb.
Ba-Bomb!
So, on top of the bad acting and the lame story line, there are several lines of dialogue that are just entirely pointless. For example there's a strange running joke where Koopa tries to order a pizza.
I'd like the Koopa special.
Pterodactyl tail on that?
Yes. Dino, lizard, hold the mammal, no worms, and, uh, spicy.
Ok, not funny.
Prepare for destiny! Where's my pizza?
Okay, still not funny.
Sir, your pizza's here! Not now. Looks like I win.
and altogether, not funny.
So, the final conclusion we have to draw from this is, not funny plus not funny equals not f**king funny!
I mean do these people have to go back to film 101? If you want a joke to work, you need humor. Don't you know that!?
Jesus, I can't imagine this film getting any worse.
I know this is going to sound a little strange, but I want you to meet my father.
Well, it's an honor to meet you sir and a pleasure and I just- I just wanna, thank you for all your help.
Okay, I'm going to wrap this up before I puke. The Mario Brothers get the rock back, stop the evil Koopa, turn him into a Muppet,
and return back home, Daisy can't go because she has to figure out where she belongs, and they have themselves a happy ending.
Or do they!?
Luigi, Mario?
Woah! woah! whats wrong!?
You're never gonna believe this.
I believe it. You do? I believe.
And I'm not kidding this is where it ends, on a f**king cliffhanger.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's wrong? How does Mario know what's wrong? Why does Daisy have a flamethrower?
Well thank heavenly Jesus we'll never find out the answer to those Questions. Super Mario Brothers ba-bombed at the box office and thus, never had a crappy Hollywood sequel.
Word of advice guys, concentrate on botching up the first shtty ass movie before you start thinking about ideas about how to f*ck up the next one.
Perhaps the biggest surprise of the movie is the fact that somebody actually wrote it.
Not one, but three people actually played a part in putting this together
and would you believe that this movie actually had two directors?
because one director can't possibly make a film this bad alone, it takes two with a concerted effort.
But to their credit could you imagine anyone else that could possibly direct a superior film?
Monkey!
It's got me there.
I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it, so you don't have too.
Ba-Bomb.