From those Old Navy commercials with Julia and Snoop Dogg,
please welcome Kumail Nanjiani.
(applause)
Thank you.
I have had the great honor of working alongside
Julia Louis-Dreyfus twice in my career and I can tell you the experience was
everything you want it to be—
inspiring, hilarious, absolutely terrifying,
not because she's a scary person, no,
because I am a scared person who gets very
nervous when I'm asked to work alongside a legend.
But Julia, you went out of your way to make me feel comfortable and welcome.
I'm blown away by your talent. While she crafts incredible characters
on-screen, she exhibits exceptional strength of character off-screen.
She uses her voice to fight for the vulnerable, she's a brilliant
leader and motivator, she knows how to get stuff done,
she's—dare I say—presidential.
So, okay, now hear me out, Julia, this is a big pitch,
this is a big pitch—this is a big one.
(applause)
I've heard you say you never want to run for office, but I really think you should reconsider.
I think you should run for President of the United States of America,
and that is the subject of my Twain Talk.
Okay, here we go. Okay?
So, the first reason you should run for president is obvious:
(She has experience already) in Veep.
In Veep, Julia plays a VP who decides to run for president, becomes president
when the president resigns, runs in an election which results in an electoral tie, wins
the popular vote, loses the election, then decides to run for president again, which
is actually much simpler than our current political situation.
But people here are like, "Veep is a TV show, that's not real political experience, there's no
way someone without political experience could EVER become president.
I have an answer for that— guess what is a massive asset right now?
Being a Washington outsider. The insiders are out, outsiders are in. She will
deplete the marsh, she will...
(laughter)
she will empty the quagmire, she will siphon off the mud
(no offense to almost everyone here).
Now not only would she be the first female president,
she'd be the first president to have guest-starred on Family Ties.
(laughter)
Julia, you don't want that honor to go to Tom Hanks when he runs in 2024.
(laughter)
She'd be very good at answering questions without really going into details, you know,
the deficit is growing, climate change is real, yada yada yada... we're invading Canada.
(laughter)
Julia has the experience to deal with Congress
because she already knows what it's like to get f—— by clowns.
(laughter)
I'm seeing you explain it to your mom right now, and I—
(laughter)
I cannot believe it has not come up before today.
And I want to be clear, that is from a GQ photo shoot—I did not photoshop that.
I'm not a pervert, although it is my screensaver.
(laughter)
And finally, telling you exactly why she would make a great president requires a story.
The first time I met Julia, I was on an episode of Veep with her.
We were doing the scene and then between takes she pulled me aside and said,
"hey, Kumail, is it okay if I say something mean about your appearance on the next take?"
I said, "sure... what is it?"
She said, "I'd rather just say it on camera."
Do you remember this? Uh huh?
Back then you never thought I'd be at the Kennedy Center showing a picture of you f——— a clown.
(laughter & applause)
So, she got my permission to say something mean and on the next take she
said something to me that actually made it into the episode—
let's watch what she said.
(Kumail) If you have some white wine vinegar, that'll get it right out.
(Selina) What?
(Kumail) White wine vinegar will lift a stain...
(Selina) You take your eyebrows and you get out.
(laughter)
Can we bring up that picture of the clown and Julia again?
(laughter)
This brings us to the most important reason why she would make a great president—
she is diplomatic.
That used to be part of it.
(laughter)
(applause)
But you were, you were diplomatic. You were able to say the funny mean thing
but also prepped me so that it didn't hurt my feelings...too much.
Because that's what being a president is about—
screwing people over without having them feel bad about it.
And she asked me before she did it, so she values consent.
So I beg you, Julia, please, please run for office. But, even if you don't, we are very
lucky to have you. You've inspired me personally to understand that it's
possible to be grounded, real, and hysterically funny and that you don't
have to be a dick to be a comedian. Thank you.