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hey there everybody and welcome to this video on helping children cope after a divorce I'm your host Dr Donnelly Snipes I have a lot of other videos on the YouTube channel on
parentification as well as parental alienation and those are unfortunate
uh situations what we're talking about today is how to understand what's going on with the
children during a divorce and provide the most positive resolution possible
one of the first effects of divorce for children especially younger children is personalization
when there's chaos in turmoil in the household which often happens before the divorce is even
thought about it can create a lot of stress for the child which can lead to poor sleep
and behavioral issues so it's important to recognize that when they are occurring
um and provide redirection provide the child alternate ways to express that stress or cope
with that stress however when the divorce does occur if the child had acted out or is acting
out or having behavioral issues whatever you want to say they may blame themselves they may think I
was bad so my parents are getting a divorce and it's imperative that they understand number one
they are loved and they are wanted in your life all the time you may not like some of
their behaviors but they are loved and important to you and eventually process with them what is
that behavior saying start to become more mindful of what's going on that might be triggering these
behaviors is the child's Behavior saying hey I'm not getting enough sleep because I'm up worrying
all night or listening to the two of you fight or is it saying I'm scared about what's going to
happen and I don't have other outlets so I'm just like right there all the time and anytime somebody
does something to trigger me I let loose on them because I don't know how to cope with all of this
anxiety I'm feeling or is it saying something else but ultimately it's important to figure this out
young children may see a parent being removed from the home as an indication of what will
happen if they are bad so if they make a mistake then or if they're having behavioral issues at
school or whatever they may be afraid that they too are going to be divorced
it's important to explain to them that that's not how it works make sure they understand
that the divorce is about the grown-ups it's not about them it's not that either
caregiver loves them any less it's about the grown-ups and the other parent's a good person
it's also important to reinforce again they're not their behaviors they are always loved and
wanted in your life you may not like all their behaviors but they are always loved and wanted
they are not going to be divorced they are not going to be rejected because of their behaviors
structure and stability is also imperative disrupted circadian rhythms and routines
can cause a host of emotional behavioral and even physical issues it's important to
remember that our circadian rhythms are set not only by the length of the day and when we go to
sleep and wake up but also by when we eat the temperature and even things we do during the
day so children do need that structure in order to maintain those circadian rhythms
therefore keeping things as stable as possible is really helpful if you typically get up
and do XYZ on Saturday then when they're at parent numbers two parent number two's house
there needs to be something similar happening ideally in order to maintain that that rhythm
If the child will be moving between houses consider having duplicates of things at
both houses so they don't get to parent number two's house and not have something that's really
important to them now if it's something like a blanket or a stuffed animal you may not be able
to have a suitable replacement because sometimes it's just that one I know my kids were that way
but sometimes you can have something that will do in a pinch and don't let behavioral issues
slide it's imperative again to be consistent the child's life already feels chaotic enough if they
make poor choices which you know children are want to do okay it's important to discipline it not say
oh well they did that because they're stressed out because of the divorce I'll just ignore it
and when things settle down it'll be fine no it is imperative to maintain consistency so
the child has that sense of Safety and Security like okay the rules are staying the same I know
what's going on it's also imperative when there are behavioral issues again to ask yourself
what is the child communicating with their behavior are they communicating that they are
just angry at me beyond belief but they don't know how to say it or they're afraid to say it what
what's this Behavior communicating and how can I help them communicate it with words or resolve it
with other more appropriate actions and good thing check yourself sometimes many times children react
based on their caregiver status so if you are much more stressed out anxious angry it could cause
your child to feel anxious fearful that you won't be able to support them or you know they that you
need their help and they don't know how to help you so that creates a lot of anxiety so check
yourself if you notice their behavior is suddenly changing think to yourself what changed recently
that coincides with their behavior change and what might that behavior be saying to me
parental unavailability is another thing this is a physically and emotionally exhausting
process for everyone but it's vital that you don't check out it is vital that you
provide that emotional and interpersonal support the child so needs right now
consistent awareness of what's going on with the child and that means hearing what they're saying
both through their words and their actions if they're suddenly getting withdrawn and they
they're not usually withdrawn what's going on if they're suddenly being you know more gregarious
or trying to be more helpful you know and to an extreme extent what's going on there and hearing
what that behavior might be communicating and responding to help them feel safe and empowered
respond with empathy and validation you may be really anxious or angry or depressed or something
right now and that's okay you have a right to your feelings just like they have the right to theirs
and even if you don't think the child should feel anxious right now or you don't think they have a
right to be angry right now well that's you it's important to validate how they feel and then say
okay how can I help you feel safer how can I help you deal with these feelings and then again create
safety so the child knows that if they tell you how angry they are it's not going to overwhelm
you you are a rock you are a boulder and you can take whatever they throw at you verbally um you
may not like it but it's not going to overwhelm you and it's not going to make you not love them
grief is also an important consideration during the divorce process you have experienced a bunch
of losses as a result of the divorce even if you were the one that you know wanted the divorce
but the child also has so it's important to recognize the losses whether they're interpersonal
maybe the child is not able to spend as much time with their friends because they're only at your
house every other weekend um and that also changes their routine and changes the things that they did
they may feel different now that they are living you know their parents are divorced
and they may need to grieve the fact that they've got less time with each parent because not only
are they not living with each parent 24 7 365 but both of you each parent has to do everything
around the house has to take care of all of those responsibilities that used to theoretically be
split so your time has a lot more demands on it but it's important to understand this
and work with it as best as possible to make sure that you're spending some quality time
with that child on a consistent basis that you're not getting so caught up in work and paying bills
and cleaning the house and whatever else that the child feels like they get lost in the mix
cognitively how just like your concept when you got married that you would be
with this person for the rest of your life well that changed and you had to adjust your
understanding of your relationship and your vision of your relationship with that person
and your vision for your family and your child henceforth when the divorce occurred the child
too is having to change their understanding of relationships and you know why is it that
two grown-ups can not like each other's behaviors and one has to move out but my caregiver can
dislike my behaviors but I'm not get gonna get pushed out of the house I don't understand so
they're having to adjust their understanding of the world and of consequences and everything else
and environmentally they may have to grieve the loss of their stuff and obviously you're
probably not gonna sell their stuff but for example if they have a dog that they
love very deeply and they sleep with every night and that dog can't go to
parent number two house then when they're when they're at parent number two's house
they may miss their dog and they may feel grief that they can't be with that animal
powerlessness is another issue that we've talked about already a little bit but it will continue to
come up divorce is rarely Democratic and the child typically didn't have a say in it in general it
is not a good idea to put children on the spot and ask them okay which of us do you want to live with
if children are older that might be possible but my experience has been working with families that
a lot of times that creates anxiety in the child they don't want one parent to feel rejected they
don't want one parent to get angry they're afraid of what the rejected parent might do
uh so that can be difficult for the child that's generally not the first place that
people are going to turn to to give a child power in these situations
you can however allow the child to have a say in things that directly impact them to
the extent possible like how to decorate their new room or when we're spending our
quality time together what do you want to do for fun instead of me telling you what we're doing
children are often afraid of hurting one parent's feelings if you're going to allow them to make a
choice between parents it's imperative imperative that the non-selected parent accept the child's
Choice with Grace and humility and you may not say anything overtly but you also need to be aware
of all of your non-verbals that may just kind of scream to the child hey you broke my heart
um so again you know really consider the Ripple effects of your
intention to empower the child is it really empowering or is it putting them on the spot
regularly remind children that it's okay even expected for them to love their other
parent and enjoy spending time with them so it's okay when you come home from parent number two's
house it's fine to tell me what you did and how how good of a time you had and everything
and I'm glad that you have a good relationship with that parent I'm not jealous I don't feel
insecure I am glad that you are able to have a good relationship with that parent
that will help the child not feel guilty for having fun with one parent or the other
parental conflicts Shield children from conflicts whether they're about parenting or anything else
and certainly avoid making them take sides if you've got a beef with the other parent Take
It Outside Take It Outside where the child's ears are not overhearing because sometimes
you may say something that is insensitive um and discuss it grown up to grown up and ideally down
regulate your emotions before you come back in so you don't come in just seething because the
child will pick up on that and that energy can feel terrifying and overwhelming to the child
watch your language and what it communicates to the child if they do hear you discussing things if
you say things like that's more important to you than your kids are the child hears that the child
internalizes that don't say that even if that's what you believe make sure you're not saying that
in front of the child because the child will internalize that as I'm not very important
fake it till you make it when important things come up like recitals or graduations or holidays
or even handoffs it's important to be civil to prevent the child from having anxiety you don't
want to taint your child's recital or graduation by having them stressed out because they know
the two of you are going to see each other or potentially have to interact and they're worried
about how you're going to behave that's not no that's not okay so it's important to remember it
ain't about you and embrace the fact that both of you are showing up for the child and what it means
for the child to feel support from both parents now you don't have to sit together in the audience
but it's important that you are able to be civil if you run into each other
um so the child doesn't feel guilty for doing things that might force you to interact
Etc remember children personalize things they think it's my fault they think I should do
something to fix it and so keeping your feelings in check during this situation now if you're angry
later you can go process that you know with your friends or your therapist or whomever but it's
important for the child to be able to feel happy about what they're getting ready to do
um and and I mean everything from a graduation to just the handoff where they're going to
spend time with the other parent you don't want them to be anxious leading into that
knowing that oh every time we have a handoff it's it's really stressful for everybody
divorce marks the end of one thing in the beginning of something else for everyone in
the family for children it often also represents a huge life change that is
totally out of their control children need to feel safe and secure that they are loved and
will be cared for throughout this transition and empowered to speak up when they have a
need so there's a lot of stuff and all this kind of goes back to that secure attachment
but there's a lot of stuff that children need to feel and experience during a divorce to
internalize to really believe hey I'm safe I'm loved and I'm not being rejected