-Thank you, thank you.
So, man, I am bad at breakups.
I really am. I don't even --
What do you even ask on these first dates now?
"What kind of music do you like?"
Who cares?
This is my new first-date question --
"How likely are you to yell at me in public?"
[ Laughter ]
That one's going to come in handy.
I don't want to be in that relationship,
eight months in she's screaming at me in front of strangers.
I'm like, "It's cool. We both like Chance The Rapper."
[ Laughter ]
I was in an Uber right after the breakup.
And you ever overshare with the driver?
Try to make a little connection.
He was like, "How are you?"
I was like, "I just had a breakup."
He was like, "Let me tell you some stuff about breakups."
And the second he said that,
I was like, "I think I made a mistake."
He's like, "You know what I did when my girlfriend left me?"
I said, "What?" He said, "I had sex with everyone.
You think that helped me?" I was like, "No."
He said, "It did."
All right.
He's like "You know what else I did?
I called her up. I told her all about it.
You think that made me feel better?"
I said, "God, no." He said, "It did."
I was like, "I'm going to stop guessing,
'cause you're very unpredictable."
And it went on like this for 40 more minutes.
I finally got out of the car.
I was like, "Do you think that was helpful for me at all?"
He said, "Probably not." I said, "It was."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I Uber a lot. I'm a terrible driver.
You know, I'm a bad driver. I get mad at other drivers, too.
You ever get cut off by a reckless driver?
And then you catch up with them to see what they look like?
It doesn't matter what race or gender.
Every time I see what they look like,
I'm always like, "I knew it."
[ Laughter ]
Could just be a white guy. I'm like, "Classic.
Classic white dude.
Takes what's he wants, contributes nothing to society."
I'm only going to do the example for white people.
[ Laughter ]
But racism, that must be learned behavior.
Don't you think?
It must be.
Otherwise, you would meet racist babies.
Which would be hilarious.
Just itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny racists.
"What were his first words?"
"We'd rather not say.
Also, they were taken out of context, so..."
I've been drinking too much.
I really have.
I peed on the street the other night.
Yeah, I'm not bragging, but...
This cop walked up to me.
He's like, "You are not seriously peeing on the street?"
I said, "No, I'm doing it ironically."
[ Laughter ]
He handcuffed me while my penis was still out,
so that makes it look like I committed a way worst crime
than public urination.
[ Laughter ]
One of two times I've been handcuffed drunk.
The other time I was in New Orleans.
I was walking down the street. 19 years old.
And this guy on the street says,
"Do you want a hit of this blunt?"
And I said, "Yes, I do."
And the second I take a hit,
these cops out of nowhere slam me against the wall.
They're patting me down.
This cop looks deep into my eyes.
He goes, "You seem very drunk."
I look back, and I go, "I am messed up."
He's like, "How much have you had?"
I said, "I've had a few too many."
He was like, "How much is that?" I was like, "You know too many?"
He said, "Yeah." I was like, "A few more than that."
[ Laughter ]
He didn't even crack a smile.
I'm not saying I'm Oscar Wilde. But I'm near blackout.
I deserve something, you know.
So he's patting me down. He feels in my back pocket.
To this day, I have a little notebook in my back pocket.
And he said, "What is that?"
And I'm drunk, so I said, "That's my joke pad."
And he's like, "What the hell is a joke pad?"
And I said, "I'm a stand-up comic."
And the second it came out of my mouth, I was like, "No."
[ Laughter ]
He's like, "You're a comedian?" I said, "Yeah."
He goes, "We'll see about that."
Takes the joke book out of my back pocket,
starts reading the jokes out loud.
After every joke, his partner would go,
"Worst piece of crap I've ever heard."
[ Laughter ]
The two guys handcuffed next to me
are now laughing hysterically.
They were supposed to be on my side.
They flipped.
And it only went on two or three minutes.
But it felt longer, 'cause this guy's got no delivery.
He's missing my key nuances. You know?
Finally uncuffs me. He uncuffs the other guys.
They figured we had enough.
They keep my joke book. They drive away.
And the second they drive away,
one of the guys I'm handcuffed with turns to me.
He goes, "Oh, my God, dude.
I had cocaine on me.
[ Laughter ]
But they didn't search me 'cause of your horrible jokes."
Thank you so much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You saved him.
Hey. Thank you, brother.
Sam Morril.
For tour dates, go to sammorril.com.