How do you describe our
relationship to others?
I was actually telling _______ about this
just the other day
that like
if you have like a black and white
painting,
like I'm like
the dark and you're like, the light.
Or vice versa.
Because we switch it up
and yeah, like, together
it's like this one cohesive thing
that you can kinda look at, and it makes sense.
Yeah.
What are you hesitant
to tell me?
Um,
Uh,
what am I hesitant
to tell you?
I guess...
Have you ever been afraid
of, like, bringing something up
because you feel like it would just
make everything collapse under your feet?
Yes.
Yeah.
That's, like,
kind of what
I've been struggling with lately.
Hmm.
Well, whatever it is,
you don't have to deal with it alone.
And, like,
like, whatever
your mess is, like,
I will make it my mess
and clean it up together.
Okay.
I don't know.
I feel like we
have the capability
to keep each other grounded,
but we just don't always
exercise it.
I guess.
I know. - Because, I don't know, maybe
you're scared about
getting really close to me
as I am with you.
But I know that I am with you.
Yeah, I am, too.
Okay.
What do you think is the next step
in our relationship?
That's a tough question.
Yeah, we're always, like, zigzagging.
Yeah,
You know,
moving in together.
Starting life together.
And, like,
I don't know, essentially being, like,
life partners, you know.
Yeah, I see that.
And it's
it's not something that, like,
I don't know, I'm very confident that we're going to be
in each other's lives for a long time.
Like, you're
you're special, and
you want to know people.
I want to let people know that-
That you are like,
yeah.
How have we changed the most
since the last time we were here?
Well,
the most obvious is
we're in a relationship now.
Yeah, that's pretty like-
- So, that's fun.
More intimate.
Yeah.
More trusting of each other.
Closer.
Mm hmm.
And more aware
of each other.
Yeah.
What do you think I need most from you?
And are you providing it?
Tricky question.
I don't know how you're going
to receive my answer,
but
a certain type of understanding
you know, something sticks out in my head
that you told me a
few years back.
And I, like,
have never forgotten it because it
just, like, stuck out to me.
And you said that
it's hard for you to be in a room
full of people whose energy
don't match at that moment.
Yeah, I remember.
Yeah. - Wait, I said that to you?
You said that to me. - About you?
And I said, I agree.
Same thing for me.
Okay.
You said, sometimes my energy is just not
it doesn't equate
to other people's energy.
And it's hard for me to be
around that energy, you know?
And
I feel like I try to give you that.
Yeah, you do.
Like when you're feeling
low energy or down.
Mm hmm.
I try my best,
regardless of where my energy
or like my head is at,
to be in a state where, like,
you feel like
you don't have to jump up to reach me,
and I'm trying to give it to you more.
Yeah.
No, honestly, I'd
say that you always have.
Mm hmm.
Thanks.
Yeah, you can say that completely.
Thanks.
I appreciate that.
That acknowledgment, I appreciate that.
Um...
you answer the question.
Patience.
Maybe.
I feel like you need a lot
of like patience
from me.
And I feel like I've gotten better
with providing it as I understand more,
but I definitely still am
not at the level where I should
or where I want to be.
You know?
I do try, though.
I try really hard.
I know.
I see it.
And,
yeah,
I feel like that's...
You're the most
patient person
that I have right now.
So, I want you to know that. - Thank you.
You put up with a lot,
and you're very patient about it.
I don't feel like I put up with a lot.
I feel like I don't understand a lot.
You know?
Maybe so,
but
that lack of
understanding doesn't make you
react negatively.
And so in that sense, you're very patient
about it.
Yeah.
What does my love
feel like?
There was this day that,
surprisingly, I was with my dad
and he had a friend
who owned horses
and there was this
one horse that I liked in particular.
It was like a black and gray horse.
And the friend
let me ride the horse without a saddle.
So I was just like holding on
to the horse's mane.
While my dad was holding on
to the horse's mane, like running
next to me.
And like, as a kid, it was like
really, like, freeing.
And, like,
my lungs felt like they were wide open.
My diaphragm felt like it was
wide open, and I was getting
all the
fresh air that I
possibly could all at once
like running through this
giant, giant field on this horse.
And
that's what it feels like
but also,
the horse was afraid of mud.
And
we came to a mud pile
and the horse stopped short
and I went
flying off the horse into the mud.
And it feels like that too.
Oh, god.
It feels like: fuck.
Gotta be wild.
But mostly the first one.
Sometimes the second one.
That's fair.
Yeah.
You just feel like I can breathe.
What has changed the most for us
since our last time on ?
I moved along a lot
in my transition, which is great.
I think mentally, like, we're miles
away from where we were before.
We've changed so much as people.
It's kind of hard to put that into
like a
on a scale.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I definitely feel like
I've gotten
better from like this time last year.
But like,
I think the worst part about it is like,
I know that
I've physically gotten better,
but mentally, like, it hasn't changed.
I don't know.
I think that recently
what I've picked up on is that
since transitioning,
like I've just picked up on a lot of
like secondary, like,
gender characteristics, you know?
Like that whole thing
that we were talking about, about like
me not wanting to
let you take the majority of groceries
into the house,
like physically
not being comfortable with that.
That's ridiculous.
And it's not something
that I would think about.
Like before I would have been like,
yeah, like take this inside. But like,
now
I don't know, I think I'm
just overcompensating
and I think that it might be
it's definitely something
I have to look into just because
I don't want to
you know.
I feel like so much has changed.
We are living, like,
completely different lives than we did
last time we were here.
I feel like I've aged.
You know, before
it was like a serious relationship,
but now it's like a serious,
established relationship.
And I'm actually, like, planning my
moves
to include you and be inclusive
of what your plans are too.
So that's
probably a big difference as well.
Yeah.
It's pretty cool.
I know.
What's one thing about your sexuality
that you haven't shared with me yet?
Um.
I don't think that I'm attracted
to, like, cis males.
Mm hmm. - You know what I mean?
And
I feel like that gets a
little bit complicated
because I don't want to undermine
your identity.
You know,
I don't want to undermine
how you present yourself.
And I also don't want to, like
fetishize you.
Yeah.
Fetishize. - Fetishize you.
Fetishize you.
You know, because you're not, like,
the only...
I'm not a cis male. - No.
Yes, I know that.
I'm saying you're not like,
the only, like, trans male
that I've had relations with.
Hmm.
And I don't want that to be, like,
something that defines
how I choose to love people.
You know?
It's just something I'm very
up in the air about.
Okay.
And I don't- I don't want you to feel like
that's taking away
from your identity in any way.
No, it doesn't. Not at all. I don't-
I don't think I'm-
I'm
someone who, like-
I don't think I hate my body.
I don't think I
am uncomfortable with who I am.
I think other people are.
They might be,
but, um,
it's not something that,
like, bothers me either
like that.
Like,
I'm just comfortable with who I am,
you know?
Yeah.
I like that
you like me for who I am.
I do. I love you for who you are.
Yeah.
That's.
That's not that- there's nothing
wrong with that
really.
you know, I'm
not confusing
any kind of, like, insecurities.
I'm not trying to let-
project that on to you, or
I'm not going to make you feel bad
about anything like that.
Okay.
Yeah.
Has your love for me
changed in ways that surprised you?
Yeah,
I definitely, definitely
used to love you very cautiously.
Mm. - You know?
I don't know why.
It's not like you ever
did anything
to make me feel this way,
but I was always afraid to fully,
like, let myself love you.
Now I'm just, like,
I don't know,
just kicking it back, like,
riding the wave, you know? Just.
That's it.
I feel like I can love you more openly
and freely and, like, with
all of my effort,
not effort, but, like, all of my self.
And I'm not constantly, like,
thinking, am I making a mistake?
Am I doing too much?
Now
I could be so
angry at you, so angry at you,
but I'm fine.
You know?
Like,
not fine because I'm- we're arguing,
but I'm fine
because I know
we're going to go to bed and wake up
and it's going to be fine in the morning.
Hmm. - So
that's definitely new for me.
And i like it.
You?
Yeah.
It's the same.
Um,
yeah.
I'm not
so anxious about what
we're going to do or whatever.
Like, I just have to think back, like,
you know.
Like what-
What are the things that I said that I would,
you know, keep to.
Mm hmm.
In terms of, like,
healthy ways of, like, loving someone,
I'm good. - Okay.