>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HHOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
BUT, FOLKS, THIS ISN'T JUST ANY OLD "A LATE SHOW."
TODAY, MARCH 12, MARKS THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE
LAST SHOW WE DID IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER BEFORE WE
STARTED BROADCASTING OUT OF A DISCARDED ALTOID TIN.
AT LEAST IT WOULD MARK THE ANNIVERSARY IF I STILL FOLLOWED
THE CALENDAR OF THE BEFORE TIMES.
WE ALL NOW LIVE IN THE PERPETUAL MONTH OF "SWEATS-TEMBER."
TONIGHT, WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT THIS YEAR THAT WE, TOGETHER,
SPENT APART.
BECAUSE THIS IS "A LATE SHOW'S QUARANNIVERSARY SPECIAL:
THE YEAR THAT TOOK 100 YEARS BUT WAS ALSO SOMEHOW ONE LONG DAY."
>> Stephen: SO MUCH HAS CHANGED IN THE PAST YEAR.
THINK ABOUT HOW WE COMMUNICATE NOW!
LAST FEBRUARY, IF SOMEONE SAID "ZOOM ME," YOU WOULD HAVE SAID,
"WHAT?
YOU HAVE TO TALK LOUDER.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE WE'RE IN A VERY CROWDED BAR!
HAY, CAN I HAVE A SIP OUT OF YOUR BEER USING MY BARE FACE?"
THIS TIME LAST YEAR, WE SUDDENLY ALL FOUND OURSELVES IN LOCKDOWN,
WHICH ALLOWED US TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH OUR FAMILIES--
ALSO, QUANTITY TIME.
BECAUSE SHORTLY AFTER THIS TIME LAST YEAR, SCHOOLS CLOSED ACROSS
THE COUNTRY.
IT STARTED AS KIND OF A "SNOW DAY," THEN BECAME A "SNOW
MONTH," AND FINALLY A "SNO WAY I'M GOING TO MAKE IT UNLESS
MY KIDS GO BACK TO SCHOOL."
AS WE LEARNED MORE ABOUT THE DISEASE, IT GOT A LITTLE
SCARIER.
FOR EXAMPLE, WE FOUND OUT "YOU CAN BE INFECTED WITH THE VIRUS,
HAVE NO SYMPTOMS, AND STILL BE CONTAGIOUS."
THAT'S RIGHT: JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEE IT, DOESN'T MEAN COVID
ISN'T THERE.
IT'S LIKE TERMITE DAMAGE, OR THE LAST FIVE NICOLAS CAGE MOVIES.
SO IN APRIL, THE C.D.C. BEGAN RECOMMENDING THAT "PEOPLE WEAR
CLOTH OR FABRIC FACE COVERINGS WHEN ENTERING PUBLIC SPACES,"
WHICH REPLACED THE WHITE HOUSE'S RECOMMENDATIONS FOR FENDING OFF
COVID: MASSIVE DOSES OF PRESCRIPTION-STRENGTH BEAN.
BECAUSE IT'S AMERICA, IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE MASK WEARING
DEVOLVED INTO A POLITICAL ISSUE.
APPARENTLY, SPREADING AEROSOLIZED VIRUS IS A CHERISHED
FREEDOM.
WHO CAN FORGET PATRICK HENRY'S FAMOUS CRY, "GIVE ME LIBERTY OR
GIVE ME DEATH!
OR SLIP ME SOME TONGUE AND GIVE ME BOTH!"
AND THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE YEAR, WE COULD ALWAYS LOOK TO ONE
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL AS A BEACON OF SCIENCE AND SANITY: OUR GUEST
TONIGHT, EPIDEMIOLOGIST AND MAN EXPLAINING HOW BACK RUBS CAN
BOOST THE IMMUNE SYSTEM, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
FAUCI WAS SO POPULAR THAT, BACK IN APRIL, HE BECAME A WRITE-IN
NOMINEE FOR PEOPLE'S "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE."
THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT A MAN BEGGING YOU TO STAY SIX FEET
AWAY THAT JUST MAKES YOU WANT HIM MORE.
SHOCKINGLY, THE WINNER TURNED OUT TO BE MICHAEL B. JORDAN,
WHO, WHILE NOT AN EPIDEMIOLOGIST, HAS BEEN
PUBLISHED IN THE "NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MAMA LIKE!"
I'M EXCITED TO TALK TO DR. FAUCI.
WE TRIED TO GET HIM ON THE SHOW ALL LAST YEAR, BUT HE WASN'T
AVAILABLE.
THEN AROUND JANUARY 20 HIS SCHEDULE STARTED FREEING UP FOR
SOME REASON.
BUT BEFORE WE GET TO THE GOOD DOCTOR, I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU
A LITTLE ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE DURING THIS QUARANTINE.
YOU SEE, FOR ME, AND PERHAPS FOR SOME OF YOU, THE PAST 12 MONTHS
HAVE BEEN BOTH TERRIBLE AND WONDERFUL.
IT WAS, AS DICKENS WROTE, THE BEST OF TIMES AND THE WORST OF
TIMES.
INCIDENTALLY, I'VE BEEN IN QUARANTINE FOR A YEAR, AND
THAT'S AS MUCH OF THE BOOK THAT I'VE READ.
A LITTLE TROUBLE FOCUSING.
YOU SEE, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES BECAUSE WE SAW THE TOLL
THAT THIS PANDEMIC HAD ALL ACROSS AMERICA, WITH PEOPLE
LOSING THEIR LOVED ONES AND THEIR JOBS, AND HAVING TO ADAPT
TO A STARK NEW REALITY.
AND, OF COURSE, THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION REALLY SHANKED
THEIR RESPONSE.
IT'S IRONIC THAT THEY DISCOURAGED MASKS, BECAUSE THEY
SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO SHOW THEIR FACES IN PUBLIC.
BUT THE PAST YEAR WAS ALSO THE BEST OF TIMES, BECAUSE WHERE OUR
LEADERS FAILED, WE SAW AMERICANS STEPPING UP, HELPING EACH OTHER
OUT, WORKING TO GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.
AND EVEN THOUGH THIS VIRUS GROUND A LOT OF THINGS TO A
SCREECHING HALT, IT WAS INSPIRING TO SEE AMERICANS FIGHT
TO MAKE SURE WE STILL MADE PROGRESS, WHETHER IT BE TAKING
TO THE STREETS TO DEMAND AN END TO SYSTEMIC RACISM OR TAKING TO
THE VOTING BOOTH TO BRING NEW LEADERS.
AND LIKE A LOT OF YOU, I HAD BIG PLANS WHEN THE QUARANTINE
STARTED.
I TOLD MYSELF I WAS GOING TO GET IN SHAPE.
AND ONE YEAR LATER, I AM IN A SHAPE.
SO MISSION ATTEMPTED.
BUT THERE WERE POSITIVE THINGS, TOO, LIKE A FEW MONTHS INTO THE
QUARANTINE WHEN I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE
SOURDOUGH BREAD.
I HAD BEEN TRYING FOR MONTHS, BUT I COULDN'T MAKE IT WORK.
AND THEN, AND THIS IS TRUE, A STRANGER SENT ME A 150-YEAR-OLD
SOURDOUGH STARTER.
IT ARRIVED IN THE MAIL, FROM SOMEBODY I DID NOT KNOW, AND
LOOKED LIKE PAINT CHIPS, BUT I SAID, SURE, I'LL PLAY "FOOD FROM
A STRANGER ROULETTE!" AND IT TURNED OUT GREAT!
IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES BECAUSE, BEFORE THIS ALL
STARTED, I USED TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE.
WOW!
THAT MAKES ME SO NOSTALGIC-- AND CREEPED OUT.
WHY WAS I TOUCHING STRANGERS' HANDS?
AND WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?
WAS I A VECTOR?
BACK IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH THE BAND AND THE AUDIENCE,
WE CALLED WHAT WE DID "THE LATE SHOW."
BUT YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT FOR THE PAST YEAR, WE'VE BEEN
CALLING IT "A LATE SHOW," BECAUSE IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE
SHOW WE USED TO DO.
IT'S A VERSION OF IT.
AND, I PROMISE, WE'LL GET BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" JUST AS
SOON WE WE CAN DO IT IN A WAY THAT'S THE SAFE WAY FOR MY
STAFF, CREW, AND AUDIENCE.
BUT IT'S ALSO THE BEST OF TIMES BECAUSE, OCCASIONALLY, I DO HAVE
AN AUDIENCE OF ONE: MY WIFE, EVIE.
WHEN I WAS FIRST STARTING OUT IN COMEDY, I REMEMBER THINKING, "IF
I CAN MAKE STRANGERS LAUGH THE WAY I MAKE EVIE LAUGH, I'LL BE
DOING OKAY."
AND NOW I LITERALLY CAN'T MAKE STRANGERS LAUGH, BUT I DO GET
TO HEAR EV FROM TIME TO TIME.
AND I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT I REALLY LOVE INTERVIEWING PEOPLE
VIA ZOOM.
WE'VE HAD SOME AMAZING GUESTS, AND I'VE HAD SOME REALLY
FASCINATING CONVERSATIONS WITH THEM IN THIS NEW ZOOM FORMAT.
I THINK THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HAVING NO AUDIENCE, IT
BEING JUST ME AND THE GUEST, LOOKING IN EACH OTHERS EYES,
THAT'S JUST MORE INTIMATE SOMEHOW.
ALTHOUGH, I PROMISE, AUDIENCE, WHEN I WAS INTERVIEWING
CLOONEY, I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU THE WHOLE TIME.
IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES BECAUSE WE HAD TO FIND A NEW WAY
TO MAKE THIS SHOW, ON THE FLY, AS WE WERE DOING IT.
IT'S LIKE REBUILDING A TRANSMISSION WHILE YOU'RE DOING
60 DOWN A FREEWAY.
AND IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES BECAUSE MY STAFF AND CREW DID
IT.
THEY MADE IT ALL HAPPEN.
AND, INCIDENTALLY, THAT INCLUDES EVIE AND OUR THREE KIDS, WHO
WERE ALL ROPED IN TO BE CAMERA PEOPLE, ELECTRICIANS, AND
PRODUCERS WHEN WE TAPED THE SHOW FROM HOME.
AND I LOVED THOSE MOMENTS WITH MY FAMILY.
IT WAS A CHANCE TO SAY TO THEM, "LET'S PUT DOWN ALL OF THE
SCREENS AND DEVICES AND SPEND A LITTLE TIME TOGETHER MAKING SURE
DAD'S SHOW IS ON OTHER PEOPLE'S SCREENS AND DEVICES, BECAUSE DAD
DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO WORK ANY OF THESE SCREENS AND DEVICES."
WE DID "A LATE SHOW" FROM SO MANY DIFFERENT PLACES: A TUB, A
FIRE PIT, A PORCH, A SPARE BEDROOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA FOR
FIVE MONTHS, AND NOW HERE WE ARE IN WHAT USED TO BE A
SUPPLY CLOSET IN THE ED SULLIVAN OFFICE BUILDING.
IT'S BEEN A TOUR TO REMEMBER, SO WE'VE DECIDED TO REMEMBER IT
WITH THIS ACTUAL "LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT" CONCERT
T-SHIRT.
IT'S GOT A ROCKIN' LOGO ON THE FRONT, AND ALL OF THE TOUR DATES
ON THE BACK.
EVEN THAT ONE SHOW WE DID DOWN IN DELAWARE FEATURING SPECIAL
GUESTS JOE AND DR. JILL BIDEN.
I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE TWO CRAZY KIDS?
WE ALSO HAVE A MASK WITH THE SAME LOGO AND A MUG, AND A MUG
RIGHT THERE.
AND WHAT QUARANTINE MERCH WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT SWEATPANTS
WHICH SAY "NO SWEAT, ALL PANTS."
AND ALL OF THIS IS AVAILABLE colbertlateshow.com/covidtour,
OR YOU CAN JUST SCAN THIS Q.R.
CODE WITH YOUR PHONE.
AND WHILE WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE BEEN LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE
ABLE TO KEEP OUR BUSINESS GOING DURING THIS PANDEMIC, A LOT OF
SMALL BUSINESSES HAVE NOT BEEN SO LUCKY.
SO, WE ARE DONATING 100% OF "A LATE SHOW'S" PROCEEDS TO ACCION
OPPORTUNITY FUND'S SMALL BUSINESS RELIEF FUND.
A CHARITY SO NICE THEY FUNDED IT TWICE.
IT SUPPORTS SMALL BUSINESSES IMPACTED BY THE COVID-19 CRISIS.
SO HEAD TO colbertlateshow.com/covidtour,
OR SCAN THE Q.R. CODE RIGHT HERE, AND PICK UP YOUR OWN "LATE
SHOW" SWAG. IT'S STYLISH AND COMFORTABLE,
COMFORTABLE, AND PERFECT FOR RELAXING ON THE COUCH AFTER A
HARD DAY OF WORKING ON THE COUCH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SUPERSTAR SEXY SCIENCE MAN,
DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
♪ ♪ ♪