-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching at home.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, we are right in the middle of the holiday season,
and I saw that Instacart is now offering
same-day delivery for Christmas trees.
So remember to tip, because your delivery guy
definitely has an ax.
Yeah, wow.
Of course, it's Instacart, so get ready for a text that says,
"They're out of Christmas trees.
Is Pepsi okay?"
And you go, "Pepsi? That's not even --"
Yep, Christmas trees on Instacart.
It's a beautiful new family tradition
of gathering around papa until he swipes right
on the perfect balsam fir.
"Dad's getting his phone out. Come on, let's gather up."
I don't want someone else picking out my Christmas tree.
I don't even like someone else picking out my cantaloupe.
I was like, "Oh, you thought that was ripe?
Didn't you knock on it?"
Is that what you do with a cantaloupe?
Do you knock on it?
-You got to thwap the end. You smell it. You know.
-Certain things I just knock on
and think I know what I'm talking about.
Do you knock on a pineapple? That does nothing.
You peel the leaf of a pineapple.
-You pull the leaf.
-Watermelon I knock on, of course.
That goes without saying. -Knock on wood.
-I knock on watermelons I don't even buy.
I just go up and go, "Hey, what's up?"
-Fill it with vodka. -Yeah, yeah.
Did you guys see this?
New York just passed a law that makes all gift cards
purchased in the state valid for at least nine years.
-Ooh!
-You know you got someone the perfect gift card
when it takes them 8 1/2 years to use it.
"Well, you like Home Depot, so..."
8 1/2 -- Yeah.
They're good for nine years, although I'm not quite sure
what to do with a valid gift card from Borders Bookstore.
What am I doing? What am I doing?
Find me a Borders.
Let's get to some news.
Due to a rise in COVID, RSV, and flu cases,
New York City health officials issued an advisory
urging people to wear masks again.
I think they're getting tired of these announcements,
'cause this one felt a little more casual than the rest.
Take a look at this.
That's... -Wow.
-That was fast. ♪♪
That's it?
That was fast.
That's right -- New York City is experiencing
high levels of COVID, flu, and RSV,
and health officials are calling it a "tridemic."
-Aw, come on, man. We can do better than that.
-What's that, Tariq?
-I said we can come up with a better name than a "tridemic."
That's so clunky.
-Yeah, you're right.
"Tridemic" doesn't even rhyme with anything.
What are you thinking?
-Um, the three-sles.
-That's good.
Scarlet three-ver.
-Hepa-thri-tis.
-Gono-three-a.
-The thrice-capades.
-The thrice is right.
-Trip-slip.
-Fuzzy triple.
-Mm...
uh, "Three Strains and a Baby."
-"Three Strains and a Rabies."
-[ Laughs ]
-Once, twice, three types of achy.
-The Tri Guys.
-We can just call it "Three's Company."
-How about "All I Want for Christmas is Achoo"?
-Rocking around a Christmas three.
-Oh. The tres race.
-Ooh! The tres force.
-Left without a tres.
-All aboard the flu-flu strain choo-choo train.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's it.
That's the one. That's it. Tariq Trotter got it right.
[ Dinging ] That's it, buddy.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
Well, guys, Elon Musk is still on his
"trying to make people upset" tour.
And Elon is being slammed for a tweet
he posted yesterday that said...
Fauci was like, "Yep, much like a Tesla battery,
Elon's on fire."
Yeah. You could tell Fauci wasn't having it
because he wrote back, "Congrats on making Twitter
the Johnson & Johnson vaccine of social media."
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
Meanwhile, Elon also said that Twitter's character limit
for tweets is going to increase from 280 to 4,000.
People are like, "4,000 characters?
At that point, I may as well get my news from the news."
Switching gears, King Charles just released
the first royal Christmas card of his reign.
Ready for it? Here it is.
"Wishing you a very happy Christmas and New Year."
It has the same emotional feeling
as a holiday card from your dentist.
"I can see through this."
Seriously, the love and emotion just flows from that guy's pen.
Are there budget cuts at Buckingham Palace?
Is that -- Is Elon firing everyone
in the card division over there?
Well, here's some big news.
The other day, a lot of people were surprised to
see Ben Affleck getting coffee at Starbucks.
-Oh!
-Ben Affleck was drinking Starbucks,
and it didn't take long for Dunkin' to respond.
Watch this.
-Well, well.
You think you're better than us, Benedict Affleck?
You think you're wicked smart going to Starbucks,
sipping $6 drinks like the freaking King of England.
Enjoy your foam in a dome, you L.A. jabron.
Just go ahead and go.
Tom Brady left us, and we're fine.
We still got Matt Damon and a half-dozen Wahlbergs.
We'll bounce back,
even if we feel the way Bill Belichick looks.
-Oh! That's so sad. Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Moving. -No, you know ben.
This is Dunkin'. He's Dunkin' all the way.
-Yeah, come on.
-And, finally, we have exactly five shows left
before we go on Christmas break, which means it's time for
that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.
It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."
-♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters ♪
♪ Five days left ♪
-That's right -- every show between now and Christmas,
we'll be giving one lucky audience member
an mm-mm-mm Christmas sweater
from the "Countdown to Christmas Cabinet."
Since there are five shows left, let's open door number 5.
Where do we go? Where do we go?
-Right here. -Alright, go for it, bud.
Whenever you're ready. Oh, my gosh!
Wow! I don't know what that is.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
Is that a sweater?
[ Cheers and applause ]
I don't know what the heck -- -Turn it around?
-Yeah.
That's the back of it there.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah.
-Wow.
Alright. Wow! -Wow.
-Oh, my gosh. This is heavy.
Alright, now let's see who's going home -- Wow!
This is 100 pounds.
Let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater.
Everyone look at your seat number, okay?
If I call your number, come on down.
Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?
[ Drumroll ] Who wants this sweater?
This is a... [ Cheers and applause ]
314!
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
Come on down.
Come on!
It's getting heavy.
Come on!
Hey, come on, we got a show to do.
Come on, get over here.
Here, go on over there.
Gosh, this sweater's heavy.
You take your time with that one.
Gosh. Welcome. -Oh, sorry.
-Thank you for coming. Thank you for being here.
What is your name? -Marcella.
-Marcella, where are you from? -California.
-Hey! [ Cheers and applause ]
Marcella, this is perfect for California.
-Yeah.
-Everyone in L.A. will be wearing these.
Do you have anything like this at home?
-Nope. -Oh! Nothing even close?
-Uh, no. -Yeah.
Marcella, would you try this on for us tonight?
-Yeah. -Alright, cool.
Roots, can I get some music? ♪♪
We need some help here.
Alright, good luck.
I feel your head.
I feel your head in there. Okay, good.
Marcel-- Oh! Can you breathe?
-Yeah. -Yes, you're good. Alright.
Sorry. -I'm, like, nervous.
-No, that's alright. Oh, yeah, good, Marcella.
Yeah, gorgeous. -Oh!
-No, this is perfect. Marcella, turn around.
This is good.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, my gosh. That is unbelievably gorgeous.
Beautiful. Thank you so much, Marcella.
Congratulations. Thank you very much.
-I just had an ugly Christmas sweater, um...
-You just had an ugly Christmas sweater party?
-Party. -Yeah.
-And it's too late. -Yeah, too late now.
But you got to go back.
But you have this to go to the next one.
Have another party next week. Thank you very much.
Congratulations. Thank you. Good job!
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-Can I have a hug? -Yeah, of course.
-Thank you.
-Fur and glitter and everything.
Well done, pal. You rocked that out.
Guys, you know what?
I'm not done. [ Cheers and applause ]
How come only one person gets to win something, huh?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's take this to the next level!
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's time for "Tonight Show Stocking Stuffers"!
Here we go!
♪ It's "The Tonight Show" ♪
-♪ Stocking stuffers ♪
-Now, there is no need to check under your seats for this one.
Every night until Christmas break,
we're giving away an awesome gift
to every single person in our studio audience.
You guys excited? You guys ready?
[ Cheers and applause ]
You guys want to see what you're going to take home tonight?
Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?
[ Drumroll ] Tonight's stocking stuffer is...
a Nintendo Switch, OLED-model system,
"Splatoon 3" game,
and a 3-month subscription to Nintendo Switch online.
-That's right, Jimmy.
This holiday, splat the halls with "Splatoon 3,"
the new game from Nintendo where you compete with friends
and splash the most ink.
Play on your TV or handheld or tabletop
with the Nintendo Switch OLED mode.
Who knows?
You may even get splatted by Jimmy
when he's playing online, via Nintendo Switch online,
which means you'll all get, for free for three months,
so much fun.
Jimmy?
-Thank you!
Thank you to our friends at Nintendo.
Enjoy your gift, guys.
We'll be right back with Kate Hudson!
Congratulations!
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪